To save me
by adolfiinax
Summary: BTS fanfiction, mostly focuses on Sara's story. Sara has just moved to Boston with her family. She meets her old childhood friend there and his 6 friends. Her life starts to change. She has been her pasts prisoner for so long that she doesn't know how to give that up.
1. chapter 1

I close my eyes. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying. Trying to stay alive. I'm only alive because of my brother. I love him too much to hurt him like that. He only has me. Well, we do have a dad, but he's always working so we don't really see him. He used to be a really good dad but ever since our mum died of cancer, he has been focused on his work. I think he is tired of living too. But he tries for us. Well for my brother.

The first day of school.

6 am, alarm clock

Argh... I hate this. I hate school. Why did I even apply for university? I could have just stayed home... ARGH! I walk to the kitchen to make breakfast. After I get it done I go to wake my brother. As I walk to his room I hear dad leaving for work. ''He didn't eat this morning either." I walk over to my brother's bed. He looks so innocent when he sleeps. Like he doesn't know how cruel the world is.

me: Luca wake up! It's the first day of your new school.

I walk to the window and I open the curtains. Sun is shining. It looks so beautiful. I remember how mum used to wake me up like this. Suddenly I feel a tear on my cheek. '' Fuck! Why does this still happen? It's been two years already.'' I look up at the sky. ''I really miss you mum.'' I don't really believe in heaven and God and stuff, but if it does exist mum would definitely be in heaven. I hear Luca waking up. I wipe my tears and turn around to face him.

me: Good morning sleepy head! *I said smiling at him* C'mon! Let's go eat some breakfast.

After we have eaten and dressed. We leave the house. I walk him to his new school. He is starting elementary school this year. The closer we get to school, the tighter his grip gets. At the gate, he stops. I get down on his level.

me: Don't worry. I'm sure it will be fine. You get new friends and I'm sure your teacher is great.

He shakes his head.

Luca: I don't want to go. *he whispers.*

I hug him tightly.

me: It'll be fine. I promise.* He doesn't let go of me.* Okay... You want me to walk you to your class?

He slightly nods. I get up and we start to walk to his class. At the door, he tries to hold on my hand but I shake it off. I get down.

me: Okay, now I need to go otherwise I'll be late. You'll be fine.

I smile at him and push him to the class. The teacher notices him and walks to him. I see a little smile on him. So I decided to leave.

I look at the time. ''FUCK! It's 8:30 already!" I start to run to the bus stop. I need to be school at 9:00 and the school is 30 minutes away. "FUCK WHY DIDN'T I JUST TAKE THE CAR?!" I just and just make it to the bus. "Fuck I'm in a bad shape. I should probably work out more. Tho what's the point?" I feel somebody staring at me. I turn around and see a cute boy. Realizing that I look at him, he quickly turns his head away. I turn away too lightly smirking.

When I get to the school I just walk quickly to the hall where the first introductory is held. On my way, I see so many people. I try to guess their ages but it's pretty difficult because they are all looking similar. Well, to me anyways. I see some people looking at me. I smirk. I know I look different. I am half Chinese half Norwegian. Mostly I look like my mum (Chinese), but I have dark green double eyelids and freckles. Naturally, my hair is also lighter brown shade but I have dyed it black. I only use black clothes and black makeup. My brother looks the same but he has really dark brown almost black colored eyes. The first introduction is boring as always. So I decide to go to eat I'm pretty hungry already. As I walk out of the hall I bump into somebody.

?: Watch where you are going.

me: Excuse me?!

?: Oh you are deaf and blind?!

I face his face. I glare at his eyes. "Oh, he has pretty eyes." I decide it's not worth of the trouble so I just walk away. Besides I'm hungry.

?: Yeah! Just walk away it's not like you would've been opponent for me anyway.

I'll show him middle finger when I walk away.

Cafe 13:00

I order a latte and I sat down. I put my headphones on and listen to music. Suddenly I hear somebody calling my name.

?: Sara!?

I look up and I see my brother. Well, he's not practically my brother but my mom and his mom were really good friends when they were young so we became close too.

me: Hoseok!? What are you doing in here? Aren't you supposed to be in Korea?

Hoseok: Yeah, well things change. But aren't you supposed to be in China?

me: I didn't tell you? Dad got a job from here in the USA so I came here too.

Hoseok: What a coincidence! So you are studying or..?

me: Yeah! I got in the uni so...

Hoseok: Really? In here? Which one?

me: Boston Uni...

Hoseok: Oh me too! We need to catch up soon but I need to go now I'm meeting my friends.

me: Yeah! You still have the same number? *he nods* Okay I'll call you later.

Hoseok: Unless you want to join me now..? I would really love you to meet the others!

me: I don't know... They are your friends...

Hoseok: Oh C'mon! Please..! They'll be your friends when you get to know them!

I rolled my eyes*

me: Fine... But I can't be long. I need to pick up Luca.

Hoseok: Yees! Let's go!

He grabs my hand and we leave the Cafe. We talk a lot on the way. " I can't believe how he hasn't changed at all since we were kids."

We arrive in front of the beautiful apartment building. He opens the door for me and I step inside. He presses the elevator button and we get in. Inside the elevator, he presses the 20. "Oh, we are going on the top floor. Whoever owns this place is pretty rich." Suddenly the elevators screen goes on.

?: who is she?

Hoseok: a friend

?: Oh... okay.

Then the elevator starts to go up.

me: Okay who exactly are these friends? Because they must be pretty rich.

Hoseok: Ah..! Their families are rich so...

me: Then how did you get to know them? As far as I remember your family wasn't this rich.

Hoseok: Ah! Don't bother your little head with that.

me: Excuse me?! Little head!? Did you seriously said that?! * I raise my hand to hit him (not for real, but a little)

Doors open and I can see everybody watching us*

Hoseok: Oh...! Hi guys! *awkward silence*

I put my hand down.

me: Hi...

everyone: *awkwardly* hi...

Hoseok: Oh right... This is Sara my dearest childhood friend. *he said smiling widely*

?: Oh hi! I'm Jimin they are Jin, Namjoon, Taehyung and the one who has his mouth open is Jungkook.

me: Hi!

Hoseok: Where is Suga?

Jimin: I think he went to the kitchen. YOONGI!?

?: Hey! No need to scream!

Jimin: This is Sara. She is J-Hopes friend.

Yoongi: Oh.. hi... *not giving a fuck*

me: Hi! Oh, it's you...

Hoseok: You know each other?

me: Not really... We bumped into each other earlier today...

Yoongi: Yeah you could say that... *clearing me*

I rolled my eyes.

me: So I wanna know who owns this place?

Jimin: Oh... Namjin.

me: Who?

Jimin: Jin and Namjoon... Jungkook shut your mouth!

I look at him. " Oh, he is the cute boy in the bus..." He smiles at me with his beautiful bunny smile. I smile back. He blushes. I smirk a little. " So cute." Suddenly I remember my brother.

me: Oh shit! What time is it?

Jin: 14:45 Why?

me: Oh shit! I need to go pick up Luca. How close is the Higginson elementary school?

Jin: I don't know. I think there is at least like 10 kilometers.

me: Oh shit I'm so late. Sorry, it was nice to meet you but I really need to go.

Jin,Namjoon,Jimin,Jungkook,Hoseok,Taehyung: Bye! It was nice to meet you too...

I go into the elevator and I go down. When I'm out I start to run. Suddenly I hear somebody shouting my name. I look behind me and I see Yoongi. My eyes widened.

Yoongi: I can give you lift if you want I'm going to that way anyway.

me: Oh okay...

I get into his car and he starts the car.

Yoongi: So where to?

me: Oh I thought you knew where it was...

Yoongi: Why would I know that?

me: Well you said you were going to that area so I thought...

Yoongi: Well I wasn't but they said that I need to give you lift so...

me: Oh...

"So he wasn't being nice to me, he just did what they asked... Well, what else would you expect from someone like him." I gave him directions and he started to drive. We drove in silence. Finally, we got the school just in time.

me: Thanks...

I just slammed the door before he could say anything. I ran to the gate. I saw my brother. He looked happy. He ran over and hugged my legs. I smiled. I guess this is why I am still here even though everything else is shit...

Yoongi's POV

I look at her when she runs to the gate. Was she mad? Or why did she leave in a hurry? I see a boy just like her run over to her. Who is he? Her son? No, he can't be. She's too young to be his mom. Maybe sister or aunt. I see them walking together hand to hand smiling. "She is kind of beautiful... Ah... What the fuck are you thinking..?" I drove off.

Sara's POV

I woke up sweating again. I had that same nightmare that I've had every night ever since it happened. I get up and I go to the shower. I put it on but I don't go in yet. I look in the mirror. I'm disgusted by looking at myself. I feel disgusting. Inside and outside. I go in the shower. I try to wash the feeling of but it doesn't help. It just makes it worse. I see the blade. My only escape. I put it on my wrist and I cut. The pain is so good. I see the blood on the ground. I cut my wrist again. This time I can't feel the pain. I cut my other arm, but it doesn't help. I feel empty. I am empty. Soon I pass out.

When I woke up in the morning I see that I'm not in the shower anymore. I'm on my bed. I look at my hands. Someone has wrapped them. " I'm sorry dad you had to see that..." I look at the clock it's almost six so I get up. I'm a bit dizzy so I have to hold on to the nightstand. I noticed a post-it note on it. I read it: "Please stop I can't lose you too." I know what he means but I know how to do it so I won't kill myself. I just throw the note in the trash and I go to the kitchen to make breakfast.

School 9:00

My first lecture starts. There is no one I know in here. Which is good because I don't want to see anyone right now.

?: Excuse me? Can I sit in here?

me: Sure...

?: Thanks. *she smiles*

I hope she isn't one of those who talks all the time...

?: I'm Ashley btw. Nice to meet you.

Of course, she wants to now know my name...

me: Sara

Ashley: Oh so pretty name... So is this your first year?

"Obviously... Why would I be here if it weren't..."

me: Yes.

Ashley: Oh mine too... *smile*

I fake her a smile and I try to look as concentrated as I can so she wouldn't bother me anymore. But I think she doesn't care because she talks again.

Ashley: Would you like to go to the cafeteria with me after this..? Because I really don't know anyone in here and you look like a nice person. *smiling*

"Okay... First of all where the fuck did she get the impression that I was nice? Form my all black clothes? Or my makeup? Or maybe that I sit alone and everybody else is sitting at least 3 meters away from me? Seriously I just wanted to be alone right now.

me: Sorry but I need to be somewhere after the lecture.

Ashley: Oh... Well, maybe some other time? I can give you my phone number so we can talk?

She gives me a post-it note her number on it. I give her a little smile and put in my backpack. The rest of the lecture we sit quietly listening to the professor. Finally, when the lecture ends I almost run out so I don't need to talk to her. "There's nothing wrong with her exempt she liked talking and I don't. And also she wanted to get to know me."

I walk around the campus. The buildings are quite big. My legs started to hurt so I decided to head in. And also I really needed to go to the bathroom.

I can hear voices coming from the bathroom but I really needed to go so I didn't care who was there. When I open the door I see four girls standing around one smaller girl.

girl1: This is the last warning! I need it as soon as possible which means tomorrow for you! Got it?

middle girl: But I can't get it for tomorrow...

girl2: * slaps her and grabs her throat* I think you heard her! She needs it for TOMORROW!

I can't stand it anymore.

me: What the fuck you think you are doing?

girl2: This doesn't concern you so stay away!

me: I think it does and can you take your hand off of her or do I have to?

girl2: Excuse me? Who do you think you are?

She tries to grab me but I just dodge it.

me: Too slow... *smirking*

girl1: Okay who the fuck are you how does any of this concern you?

me: Well I'm Sara and this concerns anyone who is a human being. And also I really need to pee but you are standing on my way. So please leave because I'm not in a mood for fighting right now.

girl1: Of fuck you!

She tries to hit me but I just move little so she hits the wall beside me.

girl1: Aaarg!

I just quickly put her in a headlock. I see her surprised face. I laugh a little.

me: Do you want to leave nicely or do you want to get more injured?

girl1: Fine we leave but just for now.

She glares at the girl.

girl1: Tomorrow. If you don't have it... Well, I think you know what's gonna happen.

They left the bathroom and I turn to the girl. When I see her I realized that she is Ashley.

me: You okay?

Ashley: Yes thank you.

I can see her tears on her cheeks. But now I really need to go to the toilet. After I have done my business I get out. I can see her still standing in here. I go wash my hands.

Ashley: Why did you help?

Her question got me off guard. I didn't actually know myself why I did it. Usually, I don't really care what others do.

me: I don't know. Something about them just was irritating.

Ashley: Oh...

me: Are you really okay?

Ashley: Yeah... I'll be fine. you don't need to act like you care. I know in the lecture you really didn't want to talk to me. And I know you wouldn't have called me.

me: You can't know what I think so don't ever try to guess!

Ashley: Sorry...

I feel kind of bad for her. She looks nice. She should have a lot of friends.

me: You wanna go to the cafeteria now?

Ashley: Yes! *she smiles widely*

me: If you don't mind me asking, what did they want from you?

Ashley: Oh... I just owe them something...

me: Okay… Well if you need help...

We head to the cafeteria. We stand in the line. Suddenly people start to get noisier and gather around some people. I really don't care but I can see that Ashley does.

me: What do you think is going in there?

Ashley: I think it's Namjin.

"Why does that sound so familiar?"

me: Who?

Ashley: The hottest couple in this school. Namjoon and Jin.

me: Oh... I didn't know they study here and most importantly I didn't know they were a couple...

We are done and we pay for our foods. We try to search a free table but suddenly I hear a familiar voice calling me.

Jin: Sara come here!

me: Oh... You wanna go sit with them?

Ashley: Are you kidding me? Of course! I didn't know you knew them.

me: Well I don't really but I know Hoseok so...

We walk to their table.

me: Hi!

Jin: Hi! ... So who is she?

me: Oh right. This is Ashley. Ashley - Jin and Namjoon, Jin and Namjoon - Ashley.

Jin: Hi! Nice to meet you!

Ashley: Y-you too...

Jin and Namjoon laugh little and smiles at her.

Namjoon: So you've known each other how long?

me: What time is it?

Jin: 13:30 Why?

me: We have known each other for 4 and a half hours.

Namjoon: Really? I thought longer...

me: Why?

Namjoon: Well... Because you don't really look like a person who would make new friends...

Jin and Ashley laughed. I just glared at Namjoon.

Namjoon: Sorry...

We started to eat and talk about everything and nothing... Suddenly others appeared to eat too.

Jimin: Oh hi Sara!

me: Hi Jimin! So, do all of you study in here..?

Jimin: Yeah!

me: Oh! That's nice I guess... So are you all studying same or..?

Hoseok: Well, we all are studying Korean but we all have also our own studies.

me: Oh so you have two-degree programs..?

Hoseok: Jimin and I have two, dance and Korean but others have more

me: Really? What do you have? *I ask others*

Tae: Acting and film

JK: dance and directing

Jin: acting and directing

Namjoon: music, English and engineering science

me: Wow! That's awesome!

Namjoon: So what do you study?

me: Chinese, deaf studies, art, painting, and visual arts

Namjoon: Seriously?

me: Yeah! I needed something to fill the days... *smiles* Oh what about you Yoongi?

Yoongi is eating silently and listening to music.

Jin: Hey! She asked you a question!

Yoongi: Hah..?

Jin: What do you study?

Yoongi: Oh... MusicSound design

me: Wow! I wanted to study music as well but it would have been too much because of my other studies.

Yoongi puts his headphones on again. "How can he be like that? I don't really give a fuck either but at least I try."

Ashley: Sara we should go the next lecture. It starts soon.

me: Oh yeah... Let's go! See you around!

everyone except Yoongi: See ya!

While walking to the lecture Ashley is going crazy. She is fangirling over the boys.

me: Calm down! They are normal humans too!

Ashley: Did you see them?! And I got to talk to them! OMG!

me: Seriously calm down or I will ditch you!

Ashley: I'm trying! But seriously I think I'm falling for all of them! Especially Jungkook!️

me: Oh the cute one?

Ashley: Yeah!

me: Well good for you but we are late we should run!

14:00

I don't have lectures anymore so I decided to go home. When I'm leaving the campus I run into Namjoon.

Namjoon: Leaving already?

me: Yeah! I don't have lectures anymore so I'm heading home.

Namjoon: Are you in a hurry?

me: Not really... Why?

Namjoon: Suga and I are heading to the studio so would you like to join us?

me: I don't know... I need to pick up Luca at 3 pm so...

Namjoon: Oh don't worry the studio is near the elementary school. Come, please..?

me: You think it's okay for Yoongi?

Namjoon: Yeah I'm sure! And also he doesn't like if you call him Yoongi... Call him Suga. And you can call me RM. *smiles*

me: Okay... I'll come but only for a while.

We get to the parking lot.

RM: We need to wait for Suga because I don't have a car or a license. *laughed*

me: Oh okay *smiles*

Soon Suga arrives. He looks annoyed. He glares shortly at me. I don't think he looks happy about me being in here.

RM: I promised Sara can come too...

Suga just nods. We get in the car and drive to the studio. The studio is big but somehow cozy.

me: Wow! This is awesome!

RM: Thanks! *smirks* You wanna hear what we are working on now?

me: I would love to!

Suga glares at RM. I think he didn't want me to hear it. RM just glares him back and puts the song on. We listen to it in silence.

me: Wow! That's good! Who wrote the lyrics?

RM: Suga

me: Really? That's impressive.

I smile at him but he just ignores me. "Fine. If you don't want me to be nice to you I won't." RM and Suga started to do their stuff. I'm just watching them work. I don't even know that I started to hum the song. Suddenly I noticed that RM and Suga are staring me.

me: What? Is something wrong?

RM: You can sing!

I blush.

me: No.. Not really...

RM: Yeah you can!

me: No I can't... I really need to go now it's already 14:50 I need to pick up Luca.

I start to gather my things. I can feel their eyes on my back. The room is filled with tension. And suddenly Suga speaks up:

Suga: I can take you. I need to stop by at the house anyway. RM can you take care things in here?

RM nods* I leave the studio and Suga follows me.

Outside:

me: I can walk it's not that far.

Suga: You'll be late. Get in.

I was kind of shocked by Suga's firm tone so I just get in the car. He drives me to the school. Just when I'm getting out of the car he grabs my hand. I look at him confused. He just stares at me.

me: Suga... I need to go... Did you have something?

Suga looks at my wrists. I suddenly notice that I still have the wraps in my wrists. He tries to take another wrap of but I pull my hands of his grip and get out of the car. I run to the gate. I glance at his car. He is still watching me. I turn my head away. "What's his problem?"

Suga POV

"Is she cutting herself? Why? I thought she was happy? She was happy yesterday, right? She was smiling. Well, there's her black look but I just thought it was some kind of rebellion thing... Why do I even care? I don't even know her. I just met her yesterday. God, why is she in my head all the time?" I start the car I can see that she is looking at me. I drive off. " Where am I going now? I can't go back to the studio because I said I would go to the house to get something. Argh! Why did I give her a lift? I should've just kept my mouth shut." I drive to my parent's house. I go in to see if anyone is at home.

Sara's POV

I just put Luca to bed. He is sleeping peacefully. I would like to sleep like that too. I leave him to sleep and I go to the bathroom to take a bath. When the bath is ready I get in. I take the wraps of my wrists. I can't help it. These marks are what keeps me alive. I could stop as dad asked but It would get worse. Like before. This is why I'm still alive. I know it sounds stupid and it's not normal but it's what I have to do to be here for Luca and dad. They still need me. Maybe later I can go to mum. I hope there isn't pain. Or people who can cost you pain. I slowly go under water. I keep my breath as long as I can. My lungs are burning. I love it. It makes me feel like I'm alive. The pain makes me feel alive. I get off the tub. I wrap a towel around. I walk straight to my wardrobe. I take my PJ's and put them on. I get my phone and see that there is a new message. It's from Ashley.

Text:

Ashley: I got your number from Hoseok. I wasn't sure if you would text me so... Any way you wanna hang out tomorrow after school?

me: If you don't mind my brother joining us then sure.

Ashley: I don't mind. What do you wanna do?

me: I don't really care. You can pick something.

Ashley: Okay! See you tomorrow!

I put my phone away and go to sleep. Maybe this night the nightmare doesn't come...


	2. chapter 2

A week later, morning

I hate mornings. I haven't slept well in a long time. Well almost never. I go to my wardrobe. It's good that all my clothes are black so I don't really have to think what I put on. I just take the first clothes that I see. It's black turtleneck shirt and ripped black jeans. Also I put on a cap. I don't feel like putting makeup on today.

My mornings go always the same way. I get up put on my clothes, make breakfast, wake up Luca, get him to school and then I go to school myself. It's pretty boring. After walking Luca to school I drive myself to school as well. I don't have a lecture this morning but I decided to go to the library to study. I sit down at the table and take my books from my bag. I open my book but I can feel someone staring at me. I look around and see Suga. "What the fuck is wrong with him?" He has been staring at me the past few days. Like doesn't he have anything better to do? He's just staring. He never comes to talk to me or anything. Just staring at me. I can guess what he is trying to figure out. I lift my hand so that my sleeves fall down. I show him my scars. He looks surprised. I just smirk and go back to my books. I can see him leaving. Finally some peace.

After the lectures I'm heading back to home. It's only 1 pm so I have time before I have to pick up Luca. In the hallway I run into Jungkook, Jimin and Taehyung.

Jimin: Oh hi Sara! What's up?

me: Nothing much, just heading home.

Jungkook: Oh… You wanna come to the Cafe with us?

me: I don't know...I should study. I'm a bit behind on my studies.

Taehyung: C'mon! Just for coffee… Please!?

me: Well… okay then, but I can't be long.

Taehyung: Yes! Let's go.

We walk to the nearest Cafe. I actually needed caffeine because I'm really tired. It's nice to be out with someone my own age for awhile. "These guys are so funny. I wonder why they don't have girlfriends?"

me: Can I ask something? It's a bit presonal so I understand if you don't wanna answer...

Jimin: Sure.

me: Why are you guys single?

They all started to laugh.

Jimin: I don't know actually. I guess we just haven't met anyone we like.

me: But there's always girls around you, just date one of them.

Taehyung: I don't know… They are.. a bit boring…

me: Seriously? *laughing*

Taehyung: Jimin used to date them all the time but it got boring, right?

Jimin: I don't know… They just wanted me because I was famous… So it got superficial.

me: So you don't date anymore?

Jimin: I'm not saying that, but I just want to find someone who I could have a relationship.

me: Yeah.. I can understand that.

We are talking about everything. They are so easy-going and fun. I can't believe that Hoseok haven't introduced us before. "I like these guys." It's already almost 3 pm so I need to leave to pick up Luca. The time goes so fast with these guys.

me: I really need to go now...

Taehyung: But others are just coming here too.

me: Sorry but I need to pick up Luca. I'll see you later!

Jk, Jimin, Tae: Okay! See ya!

When I get out of the Cafe I bumped into someone.

?: Hey! Watch..

I look up and I see Yoongi.

Yoongi: Oh it's you...

I just rolled my eyes and walk away. I go pick up Luca and then home.

A week later

I wake up in the morning all sweaty. I put my alarm off and go to the bathroom. It's been like this every morning since it happened. I take a quick shower and put on the first clothes I found. I look at my phone. There's a message from an unknown number. I don't look it because I really don't care who it's from. I just leave the phone in my room and go to the kitchen. I make breakfast for me and my brother.

I walk Luca to school like every other morning. I wave him when he looks around. He waves back and runs to his friends. I turn around I start to walk to the bus stop. Suddenly someone calls me.

?: Sara get in!

I turn to look where the sound comes. I see a black car parked aside of the road. I see Suga inside. I just keep walking. I don't wanna deal with him right now. He starts to drive slowly behind me.

Suga: For fuck sake! Get in!

I just show him a middle finger and I keep walking. He stops the car and gets out of it. I feel someone grabbing my hand. I turn around. I glare him.

me: Take your hand off me!

Suga: Get in the car. *still holding my hand*

me: No. I don't want to! Go fuck yourself.

Suga grabs my hand tighter. I flinch a bit because of my founds. Suga notices that.

Suga: Sorry... Please get in the car now?

He grabs me from my shoulder and starts to drag me in the car. I go in because I don't really have a choice anymore. I already missed my bus. What the fuck does he want? He has been so weird lately. He has been staring me for the past two weeks. What does he want?!

Suga: So... I need to talk to you...

me: No shit. *I rolled my eyes*

I'm holding my wrist. It's burning. The cut has opened and it's starting to bleed. He noticed it.

Suga: Are you okay? Do I need to take you to a hospital?

He looks worried. Like genuinely worried.

me: Are you serious right now? No!

Suga: Okay okay... Sorry...

We drive in silence.

Suga's POV

I really didn't know why I had driven to the school. I just needed to know that she was okay. And now I had hurt her more. I didn't know what to say. I wish there was something I could do to help her.

Sara: You can leave me here. I can walk the rest.

Suga: No.

Sara: Seriously what is your problem?! First, you drag me into your car saying you want to talk and when I'm in your car you just shut up?! You are really starting to annoy me!

Suga: I-I just... I just...

Sara: You just what? Just stop the car!

I don't want to stop but the next light turned red. She opened the door and got out before I could say anything. I see a small red van in her hand. My heart skips a beat. I did that... I can feel my heart beat raising. I really hate myself for hurting her more than she already hurts.

Sara's POV

He is so weird. There's something wrong between his ears.

Time skip 7 pm

I'm walking down the street. I need to buy some food and stuff. Luca is with a nanny so I don't even have to rush back home. I'm watching people who are walking around. They look happy. I see girl group walking towards me. They're laughing and smiling. They look so happy. I feel the sudden emptiness in me. "No, not now. C'mon Sara focus it can't happen middle of the street." I try to walk in the alley. I fall on the ground. I'm starting to shake and I can feel tears falling on my cheeks. "I need something sharp. Anything." I see a piece of glass on the ground. I need to bring my mind back to reality before... I cut my wrist. It's too deep but at least the pain helps me to come around. I try to get my breathing steady again. I see someone standing in front of me. I can't look up. I'm starting to pass out. "I knew it was too deep. Too much blood."

Suga's POV

I can see Sara walking ahead of me. Suddenly she starts shaking and then she disappears. I run over where I saw her last. There's a little alley and I see something on the ground. I run over and I can see Sara on the ground with glass in her hand. Then I noticed the blood. "Fuck Sara! Here?!" I take her into my arms. She has already passed out. "I'm not going to leave you alone." Suddenly I hear her whisper.

Sara: No ho-hos-spital...

I just nod and take her into my car.

Sara's POV 10 pm

"Outch! My head hurts. I can't open my eyes. They're too heavy. Where am I?" I hear someone coming into the room. I open my eyes quickly to see who it is.

Jin: Oh you are awake.

me: W-where am I?

Jin: At me and Namjoons.

me: Oh... How did I get here?

Jin: You don't remember? *I shake my head* Suga brought you.

me: What? Why?

Jin: I don't know he just brought you here and left.

me: Oh... * Then I remembered Luca* What time is it?! Oh no... Luca! I need to call the nanny! Or dad...

Suddenly the door opens and Suga comes in with Luca.

me: Luca! You are here!

I try to get up of the bed but my muscles don't want to work with me. Suga carries Luca to the bed.

Luca: Sara Suga said that we are gonna sleep in here.

Sara: Really..? Did he now..? *Glares at Suga* Would you like that? * smiles at Luca*

Luca: YEEEEEES!

Sara: Okay I guess we can stay here one night.

I just can't say no to him. And also I can't move so... There's really not a choice.

Sara: Okay now have you washed your teeth?

Luca: No... * shaking his head fast*

everyone in the room: (me, Suga, Jin, Namjoon, Jungkook) "So cute"

me: Okay let's go...

I try to get up from the but my muscles don't want to work with me again. Suga sees it.

Suga: Can I do it..?

me: Oh... If it's okay with Luca..?

Luca: YEEES!

me: Okay then... He should take a bath too...

Suga: No worries.

everyone looks at Suga surprised*

me: Leave the door open... Please?

Suga: Why?

me: I need to see him...

Suga: You mean you have to see me...?

me: Yeah! I don't trust you... *I said smirking*

After they are done I'm going to put him to sleep. And I doze off myself too. I wake up around midnight. I see Luca sleeping aside me. He looks so peaceful. I get up because I'm hungry. I walk to the kitchen. I can hear voices coming from there.

me: Oh hi... You are here.

I see Suga, Hoseok, and Jimin talking and eating at the table.

Hoseok: Oh you're awake. Are you hungry? You should eat something... Can you walk..? Let me help...

me: Hoseok. I. Am. Fine. Okay?

Hoseok: No you are not! You think that's fine? *he points to my wrists*

I now realize that I don't have long sleeves. I cover my hands.

me: I'm Okay.

Jimin: Do you wanna eat something..?

I nod slightly. I walk over the table and sit next to Jimin and in front of Hoseok. He looks at me worried.

me: Why did you bring me here.? *I glare at Suga*

Hoseok: HE DID THE RIGHT THING! DON'T YOU DARE TO BLAME HIM!

Suga: You said no hospital so...

me: Yeah but there are so many other places..! Like your house or mine or anywhere else..!

Suga: Well I live here so this is my house. And this was closest... And you were bleeding pretty bad..!

Hoseok: He did nothing wrong!

Jimin: Why do you do that..?

me: I'm going to sleep now. Good night!

I just left the kitchen. I can hear Hoseok shouting something to me but I don't really care.

Time skip 8 am

I wake up and I can't find Luca beside me.

me: Luca..?!

I go find him. I walk around the house and finally, I found him with Suga playing in the yard/balcony.

me: Hey you! Have you eaten yet?

Luca: Sara seee..! Suga made me paper plane!

me: Wow! But have you eaten?

Luca: Yeah! Jin made me pancakes and I got lots of jam and chocolate topping.

me: Seriously..!? I'm going to be right back. I have to go kill Jin now..!

Luca: C'mon Sara! Chillax!

Suga: Yeah Sara chillax!

They both pouted. I can't but laugh at this site.

me: Fine... But you are not gonna have that tomorrow!

Luca: But Suga promised already! *pouting*

me: Yeah?! Well, he had no right to promise you that because we are going home now.

Suga: You could stay...

me: No we can't. Oh, and I need to go fire the nanny.

Suga: You can! And why?

me: We can't! And because she let you get Luca without my permission.

Suga: No she didn't. It was an older man who let me get him.

me: Dad..?!

Luca: Yeah! Dad said I could come to see you with Suga.

me: Oh... But Luca we need to go pack your things now. C'mon!

Suga suddenly came close to me. He stood only a few inches away from me.

Suga: You are staying in here!

I step back.

me: No. Let's go, Luca!

Suga: Why?

me: I need to see that dad is okay. And Luca has school. He should actually be there right now.

Suga: Your dad is a grown man he can handle himself. And we can take Luca school from here.

me: He can't look after himself so I need to be there for him. And Luca's school is like 10 kilometers away...

Suga: Why can't he look after himself?

me: He just can't...

Suga: Well get a maid or something. Why do you need to be there. It's not like you are doing that well either.

me: You know nothing about me so don't assume anything. Luca let's go!

Suga stands in front of me.

Suga: I'm not letting you leave!

me: Why do you care..? It's not like you know me or something...

Suga: I don't but Hoseok does. And he is really worried about you.

me: Well he's Hoseok... He's always worried. Get out of my way!

Suga doesn't move.

Suga: I'm only letting you go get your stuff from your apartment because you are moving with us.

me: No...

Suga: And that's final! Luca, what do you think? You wanna move here with us?

Luca: Yes!

I can see how his eyes brighten and his smile gets even wider. I can't believe I'm going to do this...

me: Fine...But only for...

LucaSuga: YEEES!

Suga: You are so easy do you know that? *smirking*

me: Fuck you!

Luca: 1 dollar

me: Oops! We need to get the jar from home.

Suga: What's that?

Luca: We have cursing jar. If you curse you have to put a dollar in there. And when the year has gone we look who has cursed less and then he gets the money.

Suga: Oh... Who's winning.?

Luca: Me of course!

Suga: Yeah I should have known... *laughing

I bunch him in the shoulder.

Suga: Hey what was that for?

me: Just being you... *smirking*

Time skip 1 pm

We get to the house. I see that dad has left work like always. I open the door and we get in.

me: Luca, show Suga where your room is will you..? And back your clothes to the big bag. And then get your school stuff and but the into the smaller bag. And if there's room then you can take some toys, okay? And don't think I won't check!

They go upstairs and I go to dad's room. I leave him a post-it note even though I don't think he's going to realize that we are gone. Then I go to my room and I pack my own clothes. I take my school stuff too. I look at my phone. There are two messages from that unknown number. I decided to see what it says.

?: Can we talk? Suga

?: I'm sorry for bringing you into the house. I was worried and I didn't know what to do.

"Why does he write me. Why doesn't he just say that to my face?" I hear someone knocking the door.

Suga: Are you ready?

me: Yeah. And it's okay... I know you meant well...

Suga just goes downstairs without saying anything. "He is so strange."

Time skip park 16:00

me: Hey! We should leave already. Jin said that we need to be home by 16:30.

Suga: Home..? *smirking*

me: Ah... You know what I mean. Luca c'mon let's get going! Jin is making food for us.

Luca: Five more minutes, please..!

me: Okay five not a minute more.

Suga: You seriously should learn to say no to him... *smirking*

me: Yeah maybe... But with those eyes how can you..?

Suga: True... I think everyone at home is in love with him.

me: Yeah... He is so gonna be one of those spoiled brats.

we laugh*

"He is pretty nice sometimes..."

Suga's POV

"She is so beautiful when she smiles." I run over to Luca. "He's such a good kid. I wanna have a boy like him when I'm older."

Sara's POV

We are a bit late from dinner. I can hear Jin in the kitchen jelling to others. I quickly hide behind Luca. Suga sees it and laughs at me. "You should do the same thing" And right then Jin comes from the kitchen.

Jin: Well look at who finally decided to show up! Suga you...! *glares at him* Oh hi Luca! *smiles widely* C'mon let's go to eat!

Jin takes his hand and takes him to the dining room. I smirk at Suga. He just glares me back. We go to the dining room as well. When everyone is at the table we start to eat.

Time skip 20:00

I just put Luca to bed. He wanted to stay up with his new friends but nobody would want to be his friend if he didn't get enough sleep. I decided to go to the kitchen to get some water. I drink it and just as I'm about to go back to my room I feel someone behind me. I turn around and I see Suga.

me: Fuck, you scared me!

Suga smirks*

Suga: You look good in your nightie.

I feel uncomfortable. Why is he suddenly like this. He steps closer to me.

Suga: You look good without all that makeup.

me: What are you...

Suga: You know that I like you right?

me: What..? You what..?

Suga: Are you really blind and deaf? I like you, Sara!

me: No need to shout...

I push him away from me.

me: I think I'm going back to bed now...

Suddenly Suga puts his hand on my chin. He makes me watch him in the eyes.

me: Hey! What are yo...

Then he kisses me to my forehead.

Suga: Good night!

Then he just smiles and walks away. What the fuck was that..? I go back to my bed. He is so weird. I'm so tired that I doze off immediately.

I wake up the middle of the night screaming. "I hope nobody heard." I go to the shower. I feel it again. The emptiness growing inside me. My heart starts to beat fast and uneven. I'm shaking all over. I'm crying hysterically. I need something. I notice a blade on the counter. I take it and I cut myself but this time the feeling doesn't go away. I cut myself again and again but it doesn't help. I see hallucinations again.

me: No! Go away! I don't want to..! Mum...!

I'm crying harder and harder. I want this to go away.

me: Noooo..! No.. no no no no….!

Suga's POV

I suddenly wake up the middle of the night in a scream. "What was that?" I can't hear anything anymore. " It must have been a dream." Then suddenly when I'm about to fall back to sleep I hear someone crying. I get up and I start to walk towards the noise. It's getting louder. I see that it's coming from Sara' s room. I get in but I can only see Luca sleeping peacefully on the bed. I go to the bathroom and I see Sara covered in blood hysterically screaming and crying. I see the blade in her hand and I take it away. She starts to scream at me and she hits me. I can't understand what she's saying. I get down on the ground with her. I try to take a look at her hands to see if the wounds are deep but she starts to kick me away and scream even louder. I can see helplessness in her eyes. She is genuinely scared of me. I get behind of her and hug her as tight as I can. Jimin and Hoseok have woken too and sees me on the ground covered in blood with Sara.

Suga: Take Luca somewhere he can't see her like this!

Jimin and Hoseok are frozen.

Suga: NOW!

Hoseok moves back to the bedroom. He takes Luca in his arms and carries him away. Luckily he is still sleeping.

Suga: Get her a towel and call a doctor! Now Jimin! Now!

Jimin finally moves, he is still in a shock but he calls the doctor. Namjoon comes in the bathroom with a towel.

Namjoon: I told Jin, Tae, and Jungkook not to come here.

Suga: That's probably best.

Sara is still crying hysterically but she's not screaming anymore. I hold her in my arms. "Who hurt you like this?" We sit on the floor waiting for the doctor to come. Suddenly she passed out.

Suga: Shit she has lost a lot of blood!

I wrap a towel on both of her wrists. I try to keep them above her heart so that her heart would stop from pumping too much.

Suga: Help me to lift her to the bed.

We carry her to the bed. I go sit on the bed behind her. I put her head between my legs. She looks like she's just sleeping. Well covered in blood but her face is so peaceful. I think I have never seen her this peaceful. The doctor finally arrives.

Doc: Why didn't you call an ambulance?!

Suga: No! She doesn't want to go to the hospital!

Doc just glares at me.

Doc: There might not be another way... How long has she been passed out?

Suga: I don't know...

Namjoon: About 10 minutes.

Doc: Okay. Can you help me? *looks at Namjoon and Namjoon nods*

They begin to treat her wounds. I froze still I can't do anything. I feel a warm tear on my cheek but I don't want to wipe it away.

Doc: Okay she will be fine for now. But I need to give her blood and I need to monitor her the night.

Namjoon: Okay. ... Suga c'mon you should go get cleaned. And I think Luca would like you to be with him if he wakes up.

I just nod and get up. I start to walk to my bathroom but my legs give up. Luckily Namjoon catches me. He helps me to my bathroom and puts me to the bathtub. He starts to take my pajamas off and washes the blood of me.

Author's POV

Everyone is waiting in the living room for the doctor. Sara still hasn't woken up even though it's almost six am. Suddenly they see a small furry head at the top of the stairs. Luca has woken up. They tried to act as natural as they could so Luca wouldn't notice that Sara was missing but of course he noticed.

Luca: Where's Sara? She said she would take me to school today.

Jin: Oh I'm sorry but ...

Namjoon: She had to go to school already so we are taking you to school today. *slightly smiling*

Luca: All of you?

Jin: No, Jungkook is gonna drive you.

Luca: Oh, okay! *smiling*

Jungkook and Luca leave for school. At same time doctor come out from the room.

Doc: She's not awake yet. But her vitals are good so there's no reason why I should stay here anymore. But I'm sending a nurse later to take her vitals.

Namjoon: Oh okay... Thank you!

The doctor leaves and Suga runs to Sara's room.

Suga's POV

"You can never do this again!" I stroke her hair. It's still covered in blood. I caress her face. She slightly opens her eyes.

Sara: C-can.. you.. p-please.. s-stop.. that?

Suga: You're awake!

Sara: D-don't shout...

I smile and kiss her forehead gently.

Sara: Don't.. do that...

Suga: Hey! You can't tell me what I can do and what I can't do. You no longer have any saying in your life. I'm going to make every decision for you from now on.

Sara: Hey..! *cough cough*

Suga: You are never going anywhere without me.

Sara: Okay, who do you *cough* think you are? You are not my dad or brother and especially you're not my boyfriend...

Suga: Yet anyway! *smirking* ... SARA IS AWAKE!

Sara: Hey do you want me to go deaf or something?!

Sara's POV

Everyone comes to my room. I only now noticed that I'm lying on Suga's lap. I try to get up but he doesn't let me. I glare at him but he just glares me back.

Jin: Oh did we interrupt something... *smiling*

me: Oh shut up!

JiminJK: Sara are you okay?

me: Yes I'm fine.

Suga: No, you are not.

me: Yes I am. By the way, where's Luca?

Namjoon: Oh Jungkook drove him to school. We thought that you wouldn't want him to see you like this.

me: Thank you! *I yawn*

Namjoon: Oh we should go now, so you can sleep...

Everyone goes out except Suga.

me: I think that we meant you too.

Suga: Nope. I'm staying here.

me: Yeah and who said that you could stay in here?

Suga: I did.

He lays beside me and starts to stare at me.

me: I know that you think that I'm beautiful but you still don't have to stare.

Suga: You can never do that again.

me: Can't promise anything. *smirking*

He takes my head between his hands.

Suga: You. Can. Never. Do. That. Again.

I just turn my head to another way. "I really can't promise him that." He comes really close to me and hugs me from behind. I try to push him away a bit but he's stuck on me like a lilac.

me: Hey! I can't breathe.

He loosens a little. " Fine stay that way then.." I'm starting to fell asleep. The last thing I hear is his little snore before I fell asleep.

I wake up at 1 pm. I can see that Suga is still sleeping. I finally see all the blood on me. I decided to go to the bath.

Author's POV

The doctor comes back with the nurse.

Jin: She is still sleeping.

Doc: Has she woken up at all?

Jin: Yes.

Doc: Oh good... Can I ask you something..?

Jin: Sure. What's up?

Doc: This wasn't the first time was it? *everyone shakes their heads* Yeah that's what I thought. She had lots of scars in her wrists.

Namjoon: Well we don't actually know how many times she has done it. She moved here yesterday after... Well, she tried it the night before last...

Doc: I see... Do you know if she has ever seen psychology or psychiatrist?

Jin: We don't know her that well but Hoseok might. Hoseok? J-Hope?

Hoseok: Hm?

Doc: Do you know if she has ever seen psychologist or psychiatrist?

Sara: Yes I have and I never will again.

Everyone looks at Sara who has come down from upstairs.

Doc: Oh you are awake.

Sara: Yeah. And you can go now. I'm not in danger anymore so...

Doc: I need to check your vitals again. Can you please sit down?

Sara sits down and the nurse starts to take her vitals.

Doc: So Sara... Why did you try to take your life?

Sara: I don't think it's any of your business. Take the vitals and go.

Doc: Uhm... Would you be willing to see a psychiatrist or psychologist..?

Sara: No! Are you done now? *nurse nods* Well have a nice life then. You can leave now.

Sara gets up and starts to walk towards her room.

Jin: Sara...

She looks at him but continues walking. She slams her door close. Everyone looks at each other confused.

Sara's POV

"Fuck!" I see that Suga is waking up.

me: You should take a shower. You are covered in blood.

Suga: Oh right... Was the doctor already here? *I nod* So you are okay?

me: Yeah! Why is everyone asking me about that? I'm fine. I'm always fine!

Suga: Maybe because you tried to kill yourself?

me: But I didn't! I wouldn't do that to Luca or dad!

Suga: But why did you...?

me: Ash..! I- I just... ... I'm going to take a walk.

And I walk out of the house. "Can't they just leave me alone?" I walk for a while but it's starting to get cold without jacket so I go back to the house.

Suga's POV

"She is so complicated. If she didn't try to kill herself what did she try?" I take a shower and then I change her sheets. It's almost 14:30. "I should maybe pick up Luca." I get downstairs and I see others talking in the dining room.

Suga: Hey! What's up?

Jungkook: Why doesn't she want help?

Suga: Oh... I don't know... She said she didn't try to kill herself...

Suddenly I hear her voice behind me.

Sara: Yeah I didn't, so can you please stop worrying about me... I'm okay now and I'm sorry if I scared you.

Jimin: You're sorry!? Look, just tell us how can we help?

Sara: You can't, nobody can okay..!

Hoseok: But Sara... There have to be something we can do...

Sara: Yes there is. Don't feel sorry for me. Okay? Just live your life like it was before.

She walks away.

Suga: You wanna come to pick Luca up with me?

Sara turns around. I can see that she's thinking.

Sara: Okay.

We get to the car and drive silence to the school. We are a bit early so we wait in the car.

Suga: Sara... Will you be alright?

Sara: Yeah, I hope someday I will...

Suga: Can I help?

Sara: No, I think that nobody can...

Suga: Why?

I see a tear coming from her eye. She quickly wipes it away.

Sara: I-i don't know... * her voice cracks a bit*

Suga: Well... I want you to know that I'm here if you need me...

Sara: Thanks...

She gets out of the car. " Why do I feel this hopeless with her. I really want to help her. I think I'm falling in love with her... She is so different from others. Somehow more broken than others." I take my songbook and a pen. I just write a song about her. It took only a few minutes. I quickly put the songbook away when Sara and Luca get in the car. "I need to go to the studio."


	3. chapter 3

Time skip next morning 6:00

I'm waking up all sweaty again. The nightmare is never going away. I take a shower, dress up and get downstairs. I see Jin cooking breakfast in the kitchen.

me: Can I help?

Jin: Oh good morning! If you want you can set the table.

Sara: Sure...

I set the table and slowly others start to get in the kitchen as well. When everything is ready I go to wake Luca. We come together downstairs. Somehow the volume has risen while I was gone.

me, Luca: Morning!

everyone: Morning!

We started to eat and talk. It's so homey in here around this table. Suddenly I hear someone calling me.

?: Sara?

me: Hm?

Suga: Are you going to school today?

me: Of course.

Suga: Well I can give you a lift.

me: Oh, okay...

Everyone is smirking at us. Right now I just don't have any desire to start fighting over something this stupid so I keep my mouth shut. Soon Suga, Luca and I are leaving to take Luca to school. Suga and Luca are talking about something the whole car ride. I'm getting out of the car to walk Luca to the gate and I see Suga doing the same.

me: Are you coming too?

Suga: Yeah!

He and Luca keep talking and talking. When we are at the gate Luca gives both of us a hug and then runs away. "Suga is so good with Luca."

?: Are you Lucas parents?

Sara: Hm?

?: Hi I don't think we have met. I'm Mrs. Williams your son's teacher.

me: Oh hi! Nice to meet you! But we aren't actually Lucas par...

Suga: Hi nice to meet you! I'm Yoongi Luca's dad.

I look at him with my mouth open. I hit him slightly. He smirks at me and keeps talking with the teacher. When the bell rings the teacher goes back inside and Suga and I go back to the car.

me: What the Fuck was that? You can't just lie to the teacher. Now she thinks we're Luca's parents.

Suga: Yep!

me: You can't do that!

Suga: Why not? You are practically his mom so I don't see the problem...

me: I'm not his mother. I'm his sister and what do you think she's going to think about us when she founds out that we've lied to her..? Seriously?! *I hit him*

Suga: Hey! You really need to stop hitting me. This is domestic violence.!

me: * I rolled my eyes* in your dreams

Suga: Why would I dream you hitting me?

me: How the hell should I know? Just drive me to the school now.

Suga: Yes dear!

I rolled my eyes. "God he can be annoying sometimes!" He keeps smiling the whole car ride. When he parks the car I have to ask him:

me: What's wrong with your face?

Suga: What do you mean?

me: You are smiling...

Suga: So you still don't know...?

me: What?

He lifts his hand and I only now noticed that he has been holding my hand this whole time. I blush and shake his hand off. I get out of the car and start to walk to school. He runs over to me and takes my hand on his. I try to shake it off but he holds it tight.

Suga: So honey... What are we doing after school today?

me: God..! Well, I don't know about you but I'm going to the library after my lectures.

Suga: Well I'll see you there then.

He leaves quickly pecking my cheek before I can say anything.

me: Cheap!

He turns around and blow's me a kiss. I can't believe him someday.

me: Cheaper!

Suga: And that's why you like it... *smirking*

me: In your dreams..!

"Why is my heart beating so fast. I hope it's not another episode." I see Ashley in the hallway.

me: Hi Ash!

Ashley: Hey! Where have you been? You weren't school yesterday...

me: I know sorry... I had something... Hey, wanna study in library afternoon?

Ashley: Yes! When are you going there?

me: I don't know I think I'm going to eat first so maybe around one...

Ashley: Okay I'll be there around 13:30. I'll come after my lectures.

me: Okay see you there!

I walk to the music room. I have arts and sometimes we have lectures in the music room. When I get in the room I see Suga sitting another side of the room. I quickly sit down and try to be as unnoticed as possible.

Suga: Are you trying to avoid me?

me: You think too much of yourself...

He smirks and sits right next to me. Somehow my heart starts beating really fast again. I push my chest and try to breathe as calmly as possible. Suga notices it.

Suga: Hey! You okay?

me: Yeah I'm good!

Finally, my heartbeat stabilizes. " What the fuck is this? Am I having minor heart attacks or what?"

me: Hey why are you even here? I thought this is an art lecture and for juniors.

Suga: Well it is but our lecture was canceled so I decided to come here instead. * smiles his gummy smile*

"God... That smile... Ah..️..Okay what the hell Sara!? You don't even like him!" Finally, the lecture starts I can concentrate on something useful. Suddenly I realize that he is gazing at me. Why is he doing this now?

me: *whispers* What are you doing?

Suga: *whispers* Looking at you.

me: *whispers* Why?

Suga: *whispers* Because you look so pretty today...

me: *whispers* Well stop it. I need to concentrate.

Suga: *whispers* I can't.

me: *whispers* Why the hell not?

Suga: *whispers* Because I think I'm falling in love with you.

me: What?

Suga: *whispers* Ssshh! I think you heard me.

me: *whispers* Okay I think you should leave now. You are creeping me out.

Suga: *whispers* Why? Because I love you?

me: *whispers* Just stop saying that...

Suga: *whispers* But I can't.

me: *whispers* Ssssssh! I need to concentrate.

He keeps staring me. I try to ignore him. But he starts to touch me, my hands, my face.

me: *whispers* Stop it!

Suga: *whispers* But I don't want to.

me: *whispers* But I do so, please...

Suga: *whispers* Fine, but only for now.

He still keeps staring me but I just ignore him. After the lecture, I try to escape but he is too quick. He grabs my hand tightly.

me: Fuck...

Suga: Trying to run from me?

me: Okay now you are officially creeping me out.

Suga: C'mon let's go to your next lecture.

me: You're not coming there.

Suga: Yes I am.

He starts to drag me around the school holding my hand thigh. Everybody is looking at us when we walk. He takes me to my next lecture and sits next to me.

me: Don't you have anything else to do?

Suga: Nope.

me: Please can you go away? I really need to concentrate.

Suga: No.

me: Fine. Then I'll go.

He takes my hand and holds it tight. He looks at my eyes. It feels like he is staring at my soul. I turn my head away. I can't let him bother me. After the lecture, he walks out of the room without saying anything to me. "Sometimes he is really weird." I walk to the cafeteria and grab something to eat. I don't really feel like talking now so I go to the library to eat. Finally, Ashley arrives too.

Ashley: Sorry I'm late... I was talking with.. ohm.. nevermind... I'm here now.

me: Well you ain't exactly late. You said around 13:30 and it's not even 14:00 yet... But... Did you get this part..? I kinda wasn't paying attention...

Ashley: Oh, yeah it was easy...

She starts to explain it to me. We have been studying for a few hours and it's getting boring. Suddenly I feel someone grabbing my shoulder. He pulls me behind the bookshelf.

me: Hey..!

Suga: I thought it would be just you and me..?

me: Well I'm here to study and Ashley can help me with that. You, on the other hand, can't so... I really need to get back to studying.

I try to leave but he puts both of his hands beside me. He comes closer to me. I can feel his warm breath on my face. It gives me chills.

Suga: You really are something aren't you..?

I lift his hand and walk under it back to our desk. Ashley looks at me astonished. I roll my eyes and she smiles at me still trying to figure out what is happening. I sit down back to my chair. Then I feel someone hugging me behind. I see Suga's head on my shoulder.

me: Hey! What do you think you are doing?

Suga: Ssshh! This is the library you can't shout in here.

me: I wasn't shouting and can you let go of me?

Suga shakes his head. " Seriously who does he think he is?" I just ignore him as best I can but he just keeps hugging me. Suddenly he closes my books and packs them into my bag. He takes my hand and tries to get me up from my chair.

me: Hey! I wasn't ready yet!

Suga: Yeah you were and we are late we need to go now.

me: Late from what?

Suga: You'll see. C'mon!

He pulls me behind when we walk to his car. He opens the door for me and pulls me inside. Then he sits in the car and starts it. We ride in silence until he finally parks his car at the side of the road.

me: Okay where are we going?

Suga: You'll see...

He takes my hand and walks me to this new, hip restaurant.

me: Okay what are we doing here?

Suga: Eating.

me: Yeah but...

The waiter takes us to our table. He gives us menus.

waiter: I'll be back shortly to take your orders.

Suga: Thanks. ... What do you want to eat?

me: I'm not really hungry.

Suga: What are you anorexic too?

me: No! I'm just not hungry.

waiter: Can I take your order?

Suga: Yeah! I take the veal marsala and she'll take carbonara.

waiter: And drink?

me: Wate...

Suga: We take red wine.

waiter: Okay! I'll be right back.

me: I don't drink alcohol.

Suga: Really?!

me: Yeah.

Suga: Okay...

The waiter comes back with the wine.

Suga: She'll drinks water instead but I'll take the wine.

Waiter nods.

Time skip

We get our foods. And Suga starts to eat his. I look at my plate but I'm still not that hungry. I take little bites but it's not even that good.

Suga: C'mon you should eat.

me: I'm not hungry.

Suga: Fine. *rolls his eyes*

We eat in silence. He just stares at me. "Why does he keep staring?"

Suga: Why do you dress only black? Is it some kind of statement or something?

me: Nope. I just like black that's all.

Suga: Oh okay... What about your hair is it your own color?

me: no...

Suga: What color is it then..?

me: Oh it's brown.

Suga: Why do you dye it?

me: Hey! What's with the questions?

Suga: Just curious...

He finishes eating and we leave the restaurant. We get in the car. Suddenly I feel his hand on my thigh. It's slightly moving towards... I flinch. I quickly get out of the car and I start to walk quickly away. Suga gets out of the car as well.

Suga: Sara what's wrong?

I can feel the tears gathering in my eyes. I started to run. I'm shaking all over. I hear someone running behind me.

Suga's POV

Sara is running away. I decided to go after her. When I finally reached her, I can see she's crying. Her hands are shaking and her eyes are glazed. "What's wrong?" I hug her tightly. She is shaking and crying. "What did I do?"

Suga: Sara... Sara, you are okay..!

Sara: You are just like everyone else..!

She shoves herself away from me. She is staring at me.

Sara: YOU ARE JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!

Suga: Sara what did I do?

Sara: ALL THAT PEOPLE LIKE YOU EVER WANT IS SEX! LEAVE ME ALONE!

Suga: Sara...

She starts to run again. I'm too shocked to react immediately. When I finally come back to reality I see her running afar. Then I realize what happened. "Oh fuck!"

Sara's POV

When I finally calmed down I didn't know where I was so I decided to call a cab.

Suga's POV

I drove quickly back home.

Suga: Is Sara here?

Jimin: I thought she was with you...

Suga: Well she isn't anymore!

Jin: What's wrong? What happened between you two?

Suga: Just let me know if she comes back...

As I'm about to leave Sara comes back.

Suga: Sara you are here.!

She quickly runs into her room.

Suga: Sara I'm sorry... I...

She comes back downstairs. She has bags with her.

Sara: Luca come!

Jin: Sara what's wrong? What happened? Where are you going?

Suga: Sara..!

She takes Luca's hand and goes to the elevator. Just as the doors are closing she said:

Sara: You need to ask that from Suga...

Then the doors closed and she was gone. Everyone looks at me.

Namjoon: What happened?

Suga: I... I argh...

I just run to my room. "Why did I do that?"

Next morning

I wake up to an awful headache. I wish yesterday was just a bad dream but it wasn't. I hurted Sara. I could see it in her eyes. She was hurt and disappointed. I get up and dress up. I go downstairs. I see everyone around the table. Jin pleads for me to sit down. I sit down and I see everyone staring at me.

Jin: We want to know what you did.

Suga: It's none of your business.

Jin: I wasn't asking. *he's glaring at me*

Suga: I just.. I hurted her okay..!

Namjoon: How? Why?

Suga: I didn't mean to but I... Ah!

Jin: Well we decided that you need to apologize to her and that we aren't going to talk to you until she is back in this house.

Suga: What?! That's childish!

Jin: Maybe, but that's what we're going to do.

They all glare at me and walks away. "Great! Now they are against me too."

Sara's POV

Luca is whining. He wanted to stay in that house but I couldn't do that so he had to leave too. I take Luca to school and I get back home. I don't want to go to school today. I know that Suga will be there and I don't want to face him now.

Time skip 2 weeks later

15:00 Grocery store

Sara's POV

I got back to school finally. I saw Suga staring me but I didn't care. I ate with other boys but as soon as Suga came I left. I don't want to talk to him. "I should have known that he was only after sex. They always are." I picked up Luca on we went to buy some groceries.

me: What do you want to eat today?

Luca: I don't want you to cook.

me: Who then?

Luca: Jin.

me: But honey he can't...

Luca: Then I won't eat.

"Ash! He has been like this past two weeks." I can't handle it anymore so I texted to Jin.

Text:

me: Do you want to come for dinner tonight? Well, you would have to cook but... Luca doesn't eat my cooking's anymore... And Namjoon is welcome too!

Jin: Absolutely! What time?

me: 4pm? I'm at the groceries now, do you want me to buy something?

Jin: No need... We'll see you in an hour!

me: Okay!

Reality:

me: Jin is coming over with Namjoon... He'll cook for you.

Luca: Yes! But what about others? I wanna see them too... I wanna see Suga.

me: Another time okay? *he nods and smiles* Let's go home now.

I haven't seen him smiling in two weeks even once. It's good to see him happy. I wish he could meet the boys more but Suga... Well, I guess he could have a sleepover someday... I don't need to see him then. We arrive home same time as Namjin.

Luca: Jin!

He runs over them and gives them a big hug.

Jin: I heard that you aren't eating. Why?

Luca: I only like your cooking!

We all laugh and go to inside. We have a wonderful time and Suga doesn't cross my mind even once. Luca fell asleep in my arms so I go put him in his bed and then go back downstairs. We talk all night until is midnight.

Jin: I really had fun but I think we should head back home!

me: Oh yeah it's already midnight... But I had fun too! It's fun to spend time with you guys. It's weird that it doesn't even show that you guys are 6 and 4 years older than me.

Namjoon: Seriously?! You are 98?

me: Yeah!

Namjoon: Wow! I thought you were the same age as me...

me: Nope... But I had fun. I think I haven't had this fun ever since... Well... It was fun and we should do it again soon!

Jin: Definitely! ... Can I ask something..?

me: Uhmm?

Jin: What did Suga do?

me: Oh... I think if he hasn't told you I shouldn't either... It's between us...

Jin: Oh okay... But you should work it out... You two would make a cute couple...

Namjoon: Jin..! Well, we should go! Let's do this again soon! Good night!

me: Good night!

I wave them and I close the door. I go to bed. I can't sleep because something Jin said kept bugging me. "You and Suga would make a cute couple." "Fuck! Why am I thinking this? He hurted me! But then again he doesn't know why I reacted that way... He doesn't know what happened to me..." I fell asleep.

Next morning.

I just brought Luca to school. I see Suga standing at the parking lot. I just ignore him. He starts to walk towards me.

Suga: Can we talk?

me: What is there to talk about?

Suga: Please?

I look at him. He looks like he hasn't slept in a week. Somehow I nod and we walk to his car, but I can't get in. He notices it.

Suga: You wanna go to the park?

I nod and we walk to the park. We walk around and I wait for him to start talking. When it takes time I decided to talk first. I sit down on a swing. He sits beside me.

me: So.. What did you want to talk about?

Suga: I-I'm sorry... I shouldn't have done that...

awkward silence*

me: It's okay...

Suga: It is..?

me: No, but you didn't know...

Suga: What..? Why?

me: Why did I react like that..?

Suga: Yeah...

me: I... I can't tell you that...

Suga: Oh... Why..?

I feel a tear on my cheek. I quickly wipe it away.

me: I just can't... Last person who knew died...

Suga: What do you mean?

me: My mom... She knew... And now she's dead...

Tears are falling out of my eyes. Suga looks at me. He takes my hands in his.

Suga: I'm sure she didn't die because she knew.

me: Yes she did..! She got worried for me and that's why she got sick. Because she was taking care of me and not herself...!

Suga takes my face between his hands.

Suga: She didn't die because she knew! I wanna know!

I quickly get up.

me: I can't talk about it... I don't want to talk about it...

Suga: You have to! Look what it's doing to you! You are cutting yourself. You are having psychotic episodes. You need help! Let me help you!?

me: It's not your problem...

Suga: Yes it is Sara! I love you! And I want to help you! You just have to let me!

me: You- you shouldn't love me... Nothing good ever comes out of it...

I started to walk away. He just stood still. I wipe away my tears. My heart is aching. I feel like my heart is drowning. I know I'm getting another episode but I don't want Suga to help me this time. But before I know it I'm starting to shake and my legs give up. I fell on the ground.

Suga: Sara!

He grabs me into his arms. I feel empty and powerless. I'm disgusted by myself. I just want this feeling to go away. Suga holds me tight in his arms. He is looking into my eyes. Then suddenly I feel his lips on mine. He's kissing me passionately. I can't breathe. When he broke the kiss I'm gasping for air. My heartbeat is getting steadier. I'm not shaking so much anymore. But I can't stop my tears from falling. Suga gets up and carries me to his car. I'm getting sleepy. He starts the car and I fell asleep.

Author's POV

Suga carries Sara inside to the house. Nobody else is at home. Suga takes her to his bedroom and puts her to the bed. He tucks her in and lays beside her. He soon fells asleep too.

Time skip 14:00

Jimin, Hoseok, and Jin come to home.

Hoseok: Did you see Suga at school today?

Jimin: No, maybe he was finally making up with Sara... Or he was drinking again...

Hoseok: Yeah... I'll go see if he's here.

Jin: Why? He's grown man he can take care of himself.

Jimin: I know that you think this not talking is the best way to make him make up with Sara but it's been two weeks already and nothing has happened... He is our brother..!

Jin: It's called tough love and it's the only kind of love he understands.

Hoseok: Whatever... I'm checking that he's okay...

Hoseok goes to Sugas room. Then he comes back smiling.

Jimin: What? ... Hey! Why are you smiling like an idiot?

Hoseok: *Starts to laugh*

Jin: C'mon! Tell us!

Hoseok: Suga and Sara...

JinJimin: What?!

They run upstairs to Sugas room. They open the door and sees Suga and Sara sleeping in a spoon. They started to smile too.

Jimin: You think they made up?

Jin: You never know about those two... *smirking*

They closed the door and let them sleep.

Jin: Oh fuck! We need to pick up Luca!

Sara's POV

When I woke up I couldn't figure out where I was. Then I turned around and saw Suga sleeping next to me. He looked so cute when he's sleeping.

Suga: I know I'm handsome but you don't need to stare.

me: In your dreams...

Suddenly he grabbed my waist and pushed me closer. We were so close each other that our noses touched.

me: oh... Can you let go..? I need to go to the bathroom...

He opened his eyes and stared at me.

Suga: Why? Are you...

me: I need to pee...

He looked at me suspiciously but let go. I got up and got to the bathroom. I saw myself from the mirror. "God I look horrifying!" I wash my makeup off and put my hair up. Then I got back to the room. Suga is just changing his shirt. I turn around quickly blushing.

me: Fuck you should've warned me!

Suga: Why?

Suddenly I see what time it is. (15:20)

me: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I need to pick up Luca!

I run to the stairs but suddenly I hear Luca's voice in the living room.

me: Oh thank God you are already here!

I run to hug Luca. Then I see everyone's questioning look.

me: Oh hi! Everyone...

Then Suga appears downstairs too. *Everyone is smirking.* Suddenly Luca asks:

Luca: Are you and Suga fighting?

me: No, why would you say that..?

Luca: Well J-Hope said that you are making up, so why would you be making up if you weren't fighting?

me: Ahem... We... *I glare at Hoseok* Don't worry everything is okay.

Suga, Hoseok, Jin, Jimin, JK, RM, Tae: Is it?

me: Aah...

Suga comes closer to me.

Suga: Is it?

me: I guess... Maybe...

Jin: *rolls his eyes* So no?

me: I don't know, okay..?

everyone: Okay...

Everyone goes back to their own stuff. "God Suga! Why are you like this? It would be so much easier to ignore you if you wouldn't save me all the time..." I'm buried in my own thoughts when someone pushes me from the shoulder.

me: Hey!

Hoseok: You wanna eat?

me: Oh.. Sure.

I get up from the sofa and walk to the dining room. Everyone is already on the table. There's only one chair available and it's next to Suga. Everyone smirks when I sit down. I don't care because I'm starving. After dinner, we stayed at the table just to talk. Suddenly I feel someone touching my hand. I look down and see Suga's hand in mine. I glance at him. He seems happy talking with others, so I don't take my hand away. We sit in there holding hands and laughing with others. "Maybe I could tell him... I don't know..."

Later that night Hoseok and Suga.

Suga: Do you know what happened to Sara when she was younger?

Hoseok: No why?

Suga: She blames herself for the death of her mother...

Hoseok: I know that but it had nothing to do with her. She had cancer.

Suga: Yeah...

Hoseok: You should ask her.

Suga: I did but she doesn't want to tell me...

Hoseok: Well I'm sure she will when she is ready.

Suga: Yeah... I just want to help her...

Hoseok: I think we all do...

Next morning

Sara's POV

It's Saturday morning. Luckily I don't have to go to school today. It's almost noon. I should get up. I put on black jeans and a white shirt and on top of it a black t-shirt. I tie my hair up. Then I go downstairs to eat breakfast when I get out of my room I hear familiar voice downstairs.

me: Dad!? What are you doing in here? ( I slept at the boys) Aren't you supposed to be at work?

dad: Yeah! But I thought that I would spend time with you two.

me: Oh.. okay!

dad: So let's get going..!

me: Where?

Luca: It's a surprise!

me: Oh really.? Do you know what the surprise is..?

Luca: Yeah it's...

dad: Hey! Don't spoil it..! Okay let's go!

We leave the house. We get in dad's car. He drives us to the aquarium. Luca is really excited. He is almost screaming in joy. We just laugh at his excitement. He is so adorable. After a tour in the aquarium, we leave to eat. Of course in a Chinese restaurant. We always eat in a Chinese restaurant with dad. I guess it's his way of remembering mom. After we have eaten it's already 5 pm.

dad: Okay it's time for your surprise.

me: What? Wasn't this already the surprise?

Luca: No this was my surprise... Next is yours...

me: Oh okay... What is it? *I started to tickle him.*

dad: Hey don't tease your brother... Okay, let's go!

We get back in the car. Dad gives me a blindfold.

dad: Okay, put it on.

me: Why?

dad: Because... It's a surprise!

me: Fine, but it's your fault if I puke.

He starts to drive. It takes forever. Finally, he stops the car.

dad: Don't take it off just yet..

me: Okay...

We walk inside the house. Dad guides me to an elevator. He pushes some button and the elevator starts to go up. It takes forever but finally it stops. We get out of the elevator and they guide me somewhere.

dad: Okay, now you can take it off!

I take the blindfold off. I see all my friends in front of me. Then I look around. We are on some building's rooftop. They have decorated it with lights. There's a big table in the middle and it's full of food.

me: Hey! What's this?

everyone: Happy birthday!

me: But it's not my birthday...

dad: I know honey but since I missed it last week I wanted to make it up to you.

I hug my dad.

me: Thank you!

Dad hugs me back tight.

dad: You know that I love you very much right?

me: Yeah dad I know...

dad: I'm sorry for being so distant. I...

me: I know dad.

dad: Have you stopped..?

me: "I know what he means but I can't tell him the truth." Yeah dad, I have. "We both know it's a lie."

Both of us are tearing and we finally broke our hug. Everyone comes to congratulate me.

Hoseok: We have one more surprise for you.

Then they turn off the lights. And there is a lot of fireworks in the sky.

me: Wow!

I hug Hoseok, my dad and Luca. We are all smiling. At this moment I'm very happy.

Later that night.

Everyone has already left. There are only a few people left cleaning up. I'm laying on the ground, watching the stars. Someone lays next to me. He takes my hand and starts to play with my fingers. I look at him.

me: What are you doing Suga?

Suga: Watching stars.

I smile at him. Suddenly I decided to tell him.

me: I was gang-raped when I was twelve.

Suga doesn't say anything but his grip on my hand tightens.

me: I... It was at my uncle's wedding. I-I was there with my mom... But I got lost... I... There were these nice looking men so I ask them ...

I started to cry. I still could remember it like it happened yesterday. I got up and Suga hugs me tightly.

me: When I get an episode, I relive it. It's like it happens to me all over again.

Suga's POV

I don't know what to say. She looks like she is twelve again when she tells me this. She looks so small and vulnerable. Her crying is getting heavier and she can't talk anymore. I wish I could take that pain away. We're just sitting here. Everyone else has already left. When she has calmed down a bit she continues talking.

Sara: My mom always blamed herself for what happened to me. She started to worry about me all the time. I've had those episodes always and she was always there for me. She would bring me back to reality, but after she died I had to do it myself.

She shows all her scar's to me. Her arms and ankles are full of cuts.

Sara: She would take care of me but not herself. And after she got sick she still wouldn't take care of herself.

Suga: I'm sorry...

Sara: Don't. I don't need it. I'm managing.

She is too strong for her own good. She shouldn't be taking care of her family. She should be the one who can be broken and messed up.

Sara: After mom died I ran into the wrong guy...*she slightly smiles* I met this guy who I thought understood what I had been through. We would party and drink all night long. We would use anything to forget what we had been through. That year I overdosed five times. My body hated me, but I didn't get episodes that often. But then he turned out to be just like those men.

Suga: He raped you?

Sara: Yes and no. I didn't say no so it's not a rape by law. Then my father got a job here so I decided to move here too.

Suga: I'm sorry...

Sara: I already said I...

Suga: Not that... I'm sorry for what I did...

Sara: Oh it's okay. How could you know? Nobody does.

Suga: Your dad?

Sara: He knows what happened 7 years ago, but not about him...

Suga: You didn't tell him? Why?

Sara: He had just lost the love of his life. Normal life was tough enough on him... And I was really messed up then. Drinking and using at night's and taking care of Luca in the days. And school.

Suga: You should have still told him. It's his job as your father to know these things.

Sara: Maybe...

It's almost morning already. We have been talking hole night.

Suga: We should go home..?

Sara: yeah... I'm not tired though...

Suga: Me either...

She smiles a little. She is so beautiful when she smiles.

Sara: Hey!

Suga: Hm?

Sara: You are staring.

Suga: Sorry... I'm just thinking...

Sara: Don't think, talk.

Suga: Hm?

Sara: My psychiatrist used to say that.

Suga: You've seen a psychiatrist?

Sara: Yeah when I was younger mom used to drag me there. But I don't really believe in psychology.

Suga: oh.. Why?

Sara: We know too little what goes in our head, so I don't want anybody to mess up with it more.

Suga: *laughs a bit* So you...

Sara: Let's go it's cold in here.

I hug her tightly. She flinches a bit but then hugs me back.

Suga: I'm glad you told me.

We get back to the house. She decided to come to sleep here too. When I'm about to go to my room she asks:

Sara: Ahem... Would you mind sleeping with me tonight? Just sleeping. I just don't want to be alone.

Suga: Sure...

We go to her room she goes under the sheets and I go beside her. She comes closer. I put my hand around her and she doesn't try to take them off. Soon she is asleep. I smile at her cute little pout. "I'm so in love right now!"

Next morning 9:00 Sunday

Sara's POV

I wake up in a terrible headache. "Crying is literally killing me!" I turn around but Suga has already gone. "Where is he..?" This was the first time I slept well. I didn't have that nightmare. A headache is getting worse so I need to get dressed and go to search for some painkillers. I go to the kitchen and I find Jin in there.

me: Do you have any painkillers?

Jin: Hangover?

me: ... Do you?

Jin: Yeah! I go get it.

Jin gets me the pills and I go back to my room. "Argh! Maybe sleep will help." I go to bed and I fell asleep almost immediately.


	4. chapter 4

Time skip 14:00

I wake up and the headache is gone. I get up and see Suga staring at me.

me: What?!

Suga: You are awake. I bought your stuff.

me: My stuff..? Why?

Suga: You are moving here.

me: Excuse me what?! No, I'm not.

Suga: Yes you are. Your dad and I talked about it and...

me: YOU DID WHAT?!

Suga: We agreed that it's better for you and Luca to live here.

me: WHO THE FUCK GAVE YOU THE PERMISSION TO GO BEHIND MY BACK TO TALK WITH MY DAD ABOUT ME AND LUCA?!

Suga: No need to shout! I'm right here I can hear you just fine.

me: I can't believe you. I tell you one little thing about me and now you think you can make decisions for me?!

Suga: It's not that... We were talking with the boys and we thought that you would be better here...

me: GET OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT NOW!

"Who the fuck he thinks he is!" My head is aching again for yelling at Suga. So I decided to text to Jin.

me: I need more painkillers can you bring me?

Jin: Sure.

Jin comes to my room with the pills.

Jin: Are you okay?

me: Yeah...

Jin: I heard you earlier and what it's worth, I would love to have you here. But I don't agree with Suga's approach either.

me: Thanks... I could have moved here, but the way he did it... I just...I feel like killing him right now.

Jin: Yeah! But you should get some rest so that headache doesn't get worse.

Jin leaves the room. "Why couldn't Suga just ask me if I wanted to move here? Why did he have to go behind my back?"

Author's POV

Jin: You shouldn't go in there for a while. *looks at Suga*

Suga: Why?

Jin: Because according to her words she feels like killing you right now.

Everyone laughs.

Hoseok: Suga you really know how to handle her. *smirking*

Suga: Shut up!

Everyone is laughing at Suga.

Suga: You think she'll stay?

Jin: I have no idea. I don't know what goes on in that head.

Suga: I think no one does...

Later that evening 19:00

Sara's POV

I didn't get any sleep because I was so pissed at Suga. It's like he tries to make me mad all the time. I was doing some school stuff because I haven't been really doing so good in that area but now I'm bored and I need some change. I go see if there's anyone else in here. I go downstairs but there's no one in here. I go to the balcony. I really feel like smoking right now but I don't have any smoke left. I think others don't even smoke. I lean against the railing.

Suga: Are you still mad?

I flinch. Then I turn around and look at him.

me: Yes!

Suga: I'm sorry... I wasn't thinking...

me: That's the problem with you. You never think.

Suga: Sorry...

me: Okay that's just annoying... "And cute"

Suga gets up from the chair and comes closer.

Suga: Can I make it up to you?

me: No! Go away!

Suga doesn't listen to me. He keeps moving closer to me.

me: You aren't thinking again..! I'm serious now. Go away!

He's still coming closer. I put my hands on his shoulders so he can't get any closer.

Suga: I really want to kiss you now. You look so cute when you are mad.

me: Hey! Calm down! No one is kissing now.

Suga: Shame... I'm a really good kisser.

Then he just goes inside like nothing happened. "Seriously? Sometimes I don't get him?" I go inside too because it's getting chilly outside. Well, it's already the end of September. Suga is sitting on the couch watching TV. I sit next to him. The show is so bad that I have to change it. I try to take the remote from Suga but he notices that I want it and he takes it and puts it behind his back.

me: Hey! This show sucks, I wanna change it.

Suga: But I want to watch it.

me: No you don't. You just want to make me angry again.

Suga: That too, but I really like this show... *smirking*

me: Please..? "He looks so sexy when he smirks."

Suga: No.

I try to get it from behind his back, but I end up laying on top of him. He smirks. "I hate him right now. I love him right now." I peck his cheek. He gets confused and I get the remote from him. I smirk. He is still confused but he gets up. I change the channel. Finally, he realizes what happened.

Suga: Hey! That was unfair..!

me: How so?

Suga: You know how I feel about you.

I just smirk at him and keep watching the show. He keeps staring at me. Then he puts his hand around me and pulls me closer to him. I don't mind it.

Suga's POV

Sara is falling asleep. Her eyes are getting heavier. Soon she is in sleep. She is cute when she sleeps. Jungkook and Ashley came home from their date. They look happy. They notice us and comes to us.

Ashley: Is she sleeping?

Suga: Yeah!

Jungkook: She looks so peaceful...

Suga: Yeah! I'm gonna carry her to her bed.

I leave the lovebirds and I take Sara to her room. I lay her on the bed. When I try to leave she takes my hand.

Sara: Stay...

I smile little. I lay beside her and I fell asleep too.

3:00

Sara's POV

I wake up screaming. Suga wakes up too. I can't breathe properly. My eyes are teary.

Suga: Sara what's wrong?

I just hug him tight. This feeling has to go away! My heart is beating really fast. The feeling isn't going away. I break the hug and I run into the bathroom. I try to find something sharp. I find scissors but I feel Suga grabbing my hands trying to get it.

me: No I need it!

Suga: No Sara. Please... Give it to me!

The memories and hallucinations take control. I push Suga away. I cut my wrist but doesn't help.

me: No... no no no... Mom! I want out! No.. No! Mom! Help!

Author's POV

Hoseok wakes up in someone's scream. He immediately goes to Sara's room the bed is empty so he goes to the bathroom. He is in shock. Sara is screaming and covered in blood. Suga is laying on the floor bleeding.

Hoseok: JIIIIIIN!

Jin has already woken up and runs to the bathroom. He puts Hoseok's sit on the bed. Now everyone else is awake and comes running.

Jin: Call 911!

Namjoon takes the phone and calls. Jin goes to the bathroom. Sara is still screaming. Jin: "Well at least she's alive." Jin goes to check on Suga. He checks Suga's pulse, it's very weak. He tries to look where all the blood is coming from. There's deep cut in his thigh. Jin takes a towel and tries to get the bleeding stiff. Sara tries to cut herself again.

Jin: No! SARA NO!

Namjoon comes in and tries to take the scissors away from Sara, but doesn't get it. It looks like Sara can now see Suga because she starts to scream even louder. Her hands are shaking and she is crying desperately. She cuts her ankle a few times. Hoseok starts to cry seeing what Sara is doing to herself. Jimin and Taehyung go comfort him. Finally, the medics came. They quickly take care of Suga's leg and lift him to the barrow and take him to the ambulance. The ambulance leaves to the hospital. Sara is still screaming but the other medic has gotten the scissors from her. They carry her to the other ambulance and it leaves to the hospital too. Everyone is in shock. They quickly go into the cars and leaves to the hospital.

Next day

Sara was brought to the psychological ward. No one could see her until she was mentally stable. Suga had surgery on his leg. The cut was so deep that it had damaged some blood vessels. It wasn't serious but Suga couldn't walk. Suga was just brought from the surgery and he hasn't woken up yet.

Suga's POV

I'm awake but I can't open my eyes, they are too heavy. I can hear others talk but I don't know what they are saying.

Namjoon: Suga you're awake!

I slowly open my eyes. It takes all my concentration to get them open.

Suga: *cough cough* Where am I?

Jin: Hospital...

Then I remember what happened. I get up quickly to sit down. My wound is burning. It's really painful but I can't think about it now.

Suga: Argh! Sara! Where's Sara!?

The doctor comes in the room.

doc: You shouldn't be sitting.

Suga: Where's Sara?

doc: Okay... So you've had surgery on your leg. The surgeon was able to repair the damages but you are looking at long recovery.

Suga: I don't care! Where's Sara!?

doc: I'm sorry but I don't have any information on her.

Suga: Well go find someone who has!

The doctor leaves the room. Everyone gathers around Suga.

Jin: Are you okay? We were really worried about you...

Suga: Do you know what happened to Sara?

Everyone looks down.

Suga: What?

Namjoon: She was taken to the psych ward...

Suga: What!? She's not crazy!

Namjoon: We know that but this time it was bad...

Suga: What do you mean?

Namjoon: She... She couldn't stop hurting herself...

Hoseok: They don't tell us anything because we aren't family...

Suga: I need to see her!

I try to get up from the bed. My wound is hurting more and more but I don't care. I need to know that Sara is okay.

nurse: You can't get up! You will rip open the wound!

Suga: I don't care! I need to see her now!

I get up from the bed. I try to stand up but my legs gave up and I fall on to the floor.

Jimin: Suga!

The nurses run over to me and try to lift me back to bed.

Suga: Get away! If you aren't going to take me to her I'm going myself!

The doctors and nurses talk something.

doc: We can take you to visit her once she is stable...

Suga: Stable?!

doc: She lost a lot of blood... And she is medicated now so she doesn't hurt herself again...

A tear is coming from my eye. I feel so helpless... A few hours later they finally take me to see her. They open the door and I see her sitting on the floor shaking and crying. I go to sit beside her. I hug her tightly.

Suga: I'm sorry... I'm so sorry...

Sara: I- I d-don't wanna be h-here...

Suga: I know...

I take all the medication hoses out of her. "She doesn't need drugs to make her more confused..." She looks so helpless and broken. We sit on the floor for a few hours. The drugs are wearing off. She is about to return to reality.

Sara: I hurt you...

She looks at my leg and then my eyes.

Sara: I hurt you..!

She is starting to cry again.

Suga: No, don't think about it... I'm okay! I'm going to be just fine!

She is looking at the leg and gasping for air. I take her face between my hands.

Suga: Hey! Look at me! I'm okay! Just breathe, okay?

The doctors come in.

doc: She needs rest and so do you. Also, the police would like to talk to you.

Suga: Why police?

doc: It's hospital policy to call police in cases like this.

Suga: Well I'm not talking to them and neither is she. There's nothing to talk about.

Nurse's takes me back to my room. The police come to talk but I don't wanna say anything to them. And I don't really know what happened...

Luckily others tell the police what happened and I don't need to talk to them. I hope Sara will be fine...

Week later

Sara's POV

me: As I told you before, I'm not talking to you. I don't need to. I wanna go home.

psychologist: You know that you aren't getting better before you start to talk to me...

me: Yeah whatever...

I've been in the psych ward for a week now. They are trying to make me talk about my memories. It's doesn't help. It didn't help when my mom was dragging me to a psychologist. It didn't help then why would it help now. I really want out of here. Suga is coming to see me today. I don't know if I wanna see him. He always tries to help me. Doesn't he get that no one can help me? I always end up hurting the people who are trying to help me. I'm messed up, don't they know that already.

Later...

Suga: Hey! Can I come in?

me: Yeah!

Suga: Are you good?

me: You know my answer already...

Suga: Yeah! You are good when you get out of here... So you had a psychologist today?

me: Yeah... Didn't get discharged...

Suga: Yeah...

Then we just sit in silence. This is how all of our conversations go nowadays. I walk to the window. It's snowing outside. The snow looks so beautiful. It covers the ugly autumn under it. It looks so pure. New beginning... I want that too... I scratch my wrists.

Suga: Does it itch?

me: Hm?

Suga: Your wounds... Does it itch?

me: Sometimes...

Suga: You changed your style...

me: Hm? ...Oh yeah... My psychologist thinks that colorful clothes could help... Dum... *laughs*

Suga: It looks good...

I keep staring forward to somewhere in the future.

Next morning

nurse: Here are discharge papers. You need to fill them and then you are free to leave.

me: What? I'm discharged? I thought that she said I get out when I start talking...

nurse: Well we have too many patients so mentally in the best state have to be discharged.

me: Well I'm not complaining...

When I walk out of the hospital I feel the cold air filling my lungs. I feel at the same time sad and happy. A tear falls down on my cheek. I wipe it away. " I'm sorry Suga... I don't wanna hurt you anymore... I love you so fucking much!"

Next day

Suga's POV

I'm going to see Sara today. She is getting skinnier in there. Is she eating properly? I walk to the front desk.

Suga: I'm here to see Sara Olsen.

front desk: I'm sorry but we don't have a patient in that name.

Suga: What do you mean? She was here the other day. She hasn't just disappeared.

front desk: Oh yes! It looks like she got discharged yesterday.

Suga: What? But she isn't okay! How can you just discharge her!

front desk: I'm sorry but I can't answer to that. If you don't have anything else...

"God Sara! You can't just disappear!" I get into my car and drive to her dad's house.

Suga: Hey is Sara in here?

Sara's dad: No isn't she in the hospital?

Suga: No she got discharged! Can you believe them, discharge a mentally ill patient? So she isn't here?

Sara's dad: No! I thought that... Have you called her?

Suga: Like million times but she's not answering.

Sara's dad: We should call the police, she can't just disappear like this!

Author's POV

Sara's dad calls the police and Suga calls to others. Police come to the house but there's nothing they can do. Sara is adult and she's only been gone for a day.

Suga: So the fact that she is mentally ill means nothing!?

Policeman: I'm sorry but you have to wait 48 hours to report her missing and then we can start to investigate this.

Suga: Fuck this shit!

Jin: Suga calm down...

Everyone is getting more and more anxious. Everyone fights even from the smallest things. Luca starts crying.

Taehyung: Luca what's wrong?

Luca: W-where's S-Sara? I miss her!

Taehyung: Oh honey! She's... She's just...

Namjoon: She's missing...

Jin: Namjoon!

Namjoon: What? He has right to know... But don't worry the police will find her!

Lucas crying gets louder. He's just a helpless little boy. Taehyung takes him to his arms. Everyone is going crazy. They are trying to call Sara but she never answers.

Suga: " Where the hell are you? You can't just leave like this!"

Suga throws his phone to the ground. It breaks down into small pieces.

Jimin: Suga calm down! You are scaring Luca!

Suga goes to sit next to Luca on the couch. He hugs him. "How could she leave him?" Next morning they report her missing and the police starts to investigate it.

3days later 20:00

There haven't been any updates on the investigation. They have tried to keep the days as normal as possible for Luca. The police come to the house to give an update.

policeman: Hello!

Suga: So? Anything new?

policeman: Yes! We found her...

Suga: Seriously? Where?

policeman: All I can say that she is doing well and is not in any danger.

Suga: What do you mean?

policeman: She has requested that we won't tell you where she is and that we tell you that she's okay.

Suga: Excuse me! What again!?

policeman: She is an adult so we can't force her to come back. Our job is to make sure that she is okay.

Suga: Well can you tell me where she is so that I can go get her back?

policeman: She has requested...

Suga: I don't give a fuck what she has requested! Where is she?!

Jin: Suga... She doesn't want us to know... Thank you for telling us...

The policeman leaves but Suga runs after him.

Suga: Please I need to know where she is...

policeman: I know how you feel but I can't tell you...

Suga: Why not? Is there like a law or something...?

policeman: No but I...

Suga: Please tell me!

policeman: I'm sorry but I can't even if I wanted to. I don't know where she is. Only the local police know.

Suga: Please anything!

policeman: I'm sorry...

Suga: Please!

policeman: ... All I know is that she is in China, Sanya I think...

Suga: Thank you!

Suga runs inside takes his car keys and leaves. Everyone looks at him confused. Suga drives to his home and packs his bads, takes his passport and drives back to Sara's dad house. Then he packs Lucas bags and comes downstairs.

Suga: Luca we are going to get Sara.

Jin: Suga what's going on?

Suga: Where's Luca's passport? Oh, and I need your written consent that I can take him with me. * hands the paper to Sara's dad to sign*

Jin: Suga! Do you even know where she is?

Suga: Yeah! But we need to get going.

Jin: Hey! Are you out of your mind? It's almost 9 pm Luca should be sleeping

Namjoon: Jin that's useless, he doesn't intend to change his mind.

Suga: He can sleep in the airplane. Let's go!

Sara's dad gives him the paper and Luca's passport. And they leave to the airport. The next flight to Sanya is in 6 hours away. "I'm coming to get you Sara and I'm not leaving without you!"

In Sanya 6 am hotel

"We're finally here." Luca is sleeping on the bed. "Maybe I shouldn't have brought him but he's the last chance if she doesn't want to come back." I go lay beside him. I'm really tired.

2days later

"I still haven't found Sara. It feels like she knows that I'm here and is hiding from me on purpose. But this is a big city… The police haven't been any help. They aren't looking for a person who doesn't want to be found."

Suga: What if we take a day off and go to the beach?

Luca: Yes!

Suga: Okay! Go get your swimsuit... Oh, I forgot I didn't pack you that... Don't worry we can buy you a new one...

We go buy Luca a new swimsuit and go to the beach. It's so sunny and warm. Luca is building a sandcastle. He looks happy for the longest time.

Suga: Hey I go buy us some snacks, don't leave anywhere!

I walk to the kiosk. Suddenly I see a familiar figure in the bar. I walk over.

Sara's POV

I was waiting for my drink when I hear a familiar voice.

Suga: I thought you didn't drink.

I turn around and see Suga standing right next to me.

me: I don't. It's non-alcohol.

Suga: So you have been hiding in here for the past week.

me: ... Yoongi... You should go back home...

Suga: You know what's my answer.

I slightly smile at him. He's more handsome than I remembered. Then I see Luca in the background.

me: You brought him.

Suga: Yeah! He needs his big sister. And I'm not going to be the one who has to tell him that you aren't coming home.

"I've missed Luca so much... He looks like he hasn't eaten properly."

me: Have you fed him? He looks skinnier.

Suga: Would you eat if your sister would just leave you with strangers?

me: I left him with dad... Like you said he should be the one taking care of him...

Suga: Yeah, but I didn't mean that you should just leave without telling anyone! Do you have any idea how worried we have been? Or don't you just care?!

me: I'm...

Suga: What? Are you sorry?

me: No, I'm not sorry...

Suga: What? Why? Why did you even leave?

me: I needed time to think... I was going to come back eventually...

Suga: When? Next week? Next month?

me: No... Maybe next year...

Suga: What?

me: I would have come back for Luca.

Suga: What about...

me: What? What about what? Us? Boys?

Suga: Yeah?

me: I don't know... Yoongi I seriously don't know!

Luca sees Suga talking with me and runs to me.

Luca: Sara! You are here! I thought that you left me!

me: No honey! I would never leave you!

I get down on his level and hug him tight.

me: I'm never gonna leave you, okay! I'm always here for you!

Tears fall from my eyes. I get up. Suga wipes my tears with his thumb.

me: Are you hungry? You look like you haven't eaten in a long time. I know this very good place here, let's go!

We walk to this small restaurant. "I love this place! Mom used to take me here all the time when I was younger." The restaurant owner is my mom's old friend and knows me well, but she has never seen my brother because we moved to Seoul before he was born, before my life was messed up.

owner: Sara! Is it really you?

me: Hi Lei!

She gives me a big hug. Then she looks at Suga and Luca.

Lei: So... Who are they? I don't think he can be your son.. but he could be your husband.

me: Lei... This is Luca, my brother...

Lei: Brother... So Xia's son?

me: Yes... And he is Yoongi.

Lei: And what is he to you? Boyfriend? Husband?

me: Lei... No, we are.. friends. But we come here to eat so do you have an empty table?

Lei: Always for you! Come!

We get in the table and waiters immediately starts to bring us foods. I love how Lei always cares for me. I remember when I was younger we would come here every Saturday when we lived in here. I look at the wall I see the old photo of us eating. Suga notices the photo too.

Suga: You look just like your mom.

me: I wish.

We eat all the food that they bring to us.

me: Thank you, Lei! You are awesome, you know that?!

Lei: You should come here more often...

Luca: But we live in Boston... You can't come here every day. *we all laugh*

Lei: Yeah I know...

me*I hug Lei* I promise I'll come as many times as I can.

We leave the restaurant. We walk in silence to their hotel. I don't know what to do. This is all a big mess in my head. All I wanted was to clear my head but it's even more mess than it was before. I can see that Suga is thinking something. But I'm afraid to ask, he might say something I don't want to hear now. I'm carrying Luca in my back. I think he might have fallen asleep. We arrive at the hotel. I try to wake him up but Suga stops me.

Suga: You can just carry him to our room.

me: I don't know...

Suga: C'mon...

I carry him in the room. I put him on the bed. He grabs my hand. My heart breaks a little. He's still so small. I sit beside him. I stroke his hair.

Suga: Why did you leave?

The question is sudden and I don't know the answer. I keep stroking Luca's hair. Suga sits behind me.

Suga: Why did you leave?

He asks again. I know he's going to keep asking if I don't answer him.

me: I needed time.

Suga: For?

me: Think.

Suga: What?

me: Me...

Suga: Why did you have to leave. You could've thought in home.

me: No, I couldn't.

Suga: Why?

me: Because!

I was irritated to all of his questions.

me: ... Because you were there.

silence*

me: You were suffocating me. You always tried to help. I don't need saving. I can't be saved... I only make everyone around me hurt. I make you hurt...

Suga sits on the bed beside me. He tries to touch me but I get up quickly. My eyes are teary. He gets up and makes me face him. He takes my hands on his. He stares at my eyes.

Suga: I don't care if I get hurt! I want to help you.

I smile because I remember when I first saw his eyes.

flashback*

As I walk out of the hall I bump into somebody.

?: Watch where you are going.

me: Excuse me?!

?: Oh you are deft and blind?!

I face his face. I glare at his eyes. "Oh, he has pretty eyes." I decide it's not worth of the trouble so I just walk away. Besides I'm hungry.

?: Yeah! Just walk away it's not like you would've been opponent for me anyway.

I'll show him middle finger when I walk away.

end of flashback*

Suga: What?

me: No, I just remembered the first time you looked at me like this.

Suga smiles too. He has so beautiful smile. I could watch it all day long. But I can't because all I do, is hurt him. I can't go back. At least in here, I can't hurt anybody. I sit back down to the bed. My tears start to fall. Suga takes my face in his hands and wipes my tears with his thumb.

me: I-I don't want to hurt you! I can't hurt you anymore. It hurts me when you hurt.

I'm crying. I can't hold it anymore. I'm so fucking hurt. Suga kisses me on the forehead. He looks me in the eyes. His hands are so soft. Then he kisses me on my lips. His lips are so soft. The kiss is full of love, hurt, and lust. Then our lips separate. He looks at my eyes.

Suga: You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that...

I kiss him back. First, he is in shock but then he kisses me back. His lips are perfect. We are kissing lustfully. Then Luca talks in sleep and we broke our kiss. We look at each other and start to laugh. I put my hand on Suga's mouth that he doesn't wake Luca. I get up and hug him tight. I can't believe we just did that. I'm scared. I broke the hug and go to the bathroom. I look at myself from the mirror and at the first time, I don't feel totally disgusted. I go back to the room and I see Suga sleeping next to Luca. They look so cute together. I go lay another side of Luca. I look at them.

me: I love you Yoongi.

Suga: I love you too...

Oh.. I thought he was sleeping. He smiles little like he knew what I was thinking. I close my eyes and I fell asleep almost immediately.

Next morning 12:00

Suga's POV

I wake up but I can't find Sara. "Did she leave again?" I get up from the bed and go to the bathroom. I see her naked in the shower.

Sara: Eeek! Get out! Get out!

I quickly close the door. Then I realized that she had cuts all over her body, not just wrist and ankles. She had huge X on top of her heart. I open the door again without thinking it twice.

Suga: What is that? *I point at the X*

Sara: Get the fuck out! *trying to cover herself*

I give her a towel and she wraps it around her. She is glaring at me angrily but I don't care right now.

Suga: What is that?

Sara: It's nothing.

Suga: No it's something. What is it? It looks new... When did you do that?

Sara: It's nothing...

I grab her hand. Now she looks furious.

Sara: It's none of your business!

Suga: Please..?

She looks at herself in the mirror. I can't read her expression. It's like she is about to cry but at the same time, she's about to hit the mirror. She looks down squeezing her fists. Then suddenly I see a tear dropping. I don't really know what to do or say.

Sara's POV

me: It's a reminder to not to love.

Suga: What? Why?

me: Because... Love is pain.

Suga: Sara... I love you. Loving you only hurts when you don't talk to me or you disappear. Love isn't always pain. It can be joy, laughter, happiness. It's only pain if you let it be.

I kiss him. He's too sweet.

me: This is when the love doesn't hurt.

I smile to him slightly and push him out of the bathroom and lock the door.

Suga: Hey! That's not fair! You can't just kiss me and then lock the door.

me: I just did.

Suga: Aish... This girl!

I know that he wanted more but I couldn't give him that. And Luca was in the room... I dry my hair and I get dressed. I go back to the room. Luca has woken up.

me: Morning sleepy head!

Luca: You are still here! It wasn't a dream!

me: Of course! I told you I'm never leaving you again.

Suga smiles at me.

Suga: So you are coming home?

me: Suga...

Why did he have to ask that? And in front of Luca. He's mean...

me: I... I don't know if I'm coming right now... but I will eventually.

Luca looks disappointed. But I can't lie to him. I'm just not ready... I'm not sure yet...

me: Okay, we should go eat..!

We decided to go eat brunch in the park. It's so fun being with them, but I can't stop thinking what I did to Suga. He doesn't walk normally. I saw him taking painkillers in the morning. He shouldn't have come looking for me. He's only hurting himself. "I'm sorry Suga."

Suga: Hey! What are you thinking?

me: Hm? Oh, nothing really...

Suga: Hey I can see that something is going on in there. So, what's up?

me: Just that you should go back to Boston, now that you found me...

Suga: No. We are going when you are going.

me: Luca needs to go back to school...

Suga: He's fine... Right, Luca?

Luca nods his head, mouth full of croissants. We laughed at his cute expression.

Suga: We are not leaving until you are.

I can't believe him. How can he still be here after all I have done to him. He's too good for his own health... I laugh a bit.

Suga: What?

me: Nothing.

He looks at me suspiciously but doesn't say anything.

Suga's POV

"Oh right! I need to call boys." I was looking for my phone but then I remembered what happened to it. I really haven't had a chance to buy a new one.

Suga: Can we go to the mall?

Sara: Why?

Suga: I need a new phone...

Sara: What happened to your old phone?

Suga: Ahem...

Luca: He threw it on the floor and it broke.

Sara: Seriously. Why?

Luca: Because you didn't pick up.

Sara: Oh.. *laughing*

Suga: Well... Can we go? *embarrassed*

Sara: Yeah! I should buy a new phone too...

Suga: What happened to your phone?

Sara: Oh I broke it and threw it in the trash.

Suga: Seriously?

Sara: Yeah! Well, I didn't want to be found, so... Also if I had the phone and you would've called me, I would've probably answered, so... It was easier to just break it than not answer. But we should go.

We go to the mall. It's huge and it takes a while to find the right shop. We buy our phones and I call Jin immediately.

Jin: Who's this?

Suga: Hi it's me Suga.

Jin: Yoongi! Finally! You know how worried we have been?! You just left somewhere and didn't even tell us where and then you don't call us to say you landed safely!

Suga: Jin! Can I talk now?

Jin: Fine, but I wasn't done yet.

Suga: So I...

Jin: You didn't find her did you? I knew you wouldn't find her. I should've stopped yo...

Suga: Jin! I found Sara.

Jin: You did?! SUGA FOUND SARA!

I can hear others screaming in the background.

Suga: Jin...

Jin: Yeah?

Suga: I think...

Jin: So when are you coming back home? Are you already at the airport?

Suga: Jin! Can I just talk now!?

Jin: Oh, sorry...

Suga: So... I think we aren't coming back for a while... She isn't ready yet.

Jin: Oh, okay...

Suga: Look, I need to go now or they are gonna buy the hole toystore. I'll call you later?

Jin: Okay... Just get her back home..?

Suga: Yeah, I'm trying...

I ended the call and run over to Sara and Luca.

Suga: So, who's idea it was yo buy the toy store?

Luca: Oh, can we?

Suga: No! You have toys at home.

Luca: Sara promised to buy me the robot that I saw last week.

Suga: Did she now? Sara, you really need to learn to say no to him.

Sara: maybe...

We walk around the mall. She is so quiet. "What is she thinking?" I don't think I wanna know what goes on in that head. But I wanna help. I take her hand. She flinches like she just came back to reality. She looks at our hands but doesn't take her hand away. She looks at Luca. I can't read her face. I think I never could. You can't tell what she is thinking from her face. She's so mysterious.

Suga: Hey! Are you hungry?

Sara: We just ate.

Suga: 3 hours ago. It's 4 pm right now...

Sara: Oh, really? We should go eat then. What do you want?

Suga: I don't care. Luca, what do you want to eat?

Luca: PIZZA!

Suga: Oh...

Sara: You never ask from a child what they wanna eat if you wanna eat healthily... *laughing*

Suga: I guess we are going to eat pizza then...

We walk to a pizzeria. We ordered our foods and we sit down. Sara is still in her own world. She is thinking too much. We get our orders and we start to eat. "Wow! I didn't think that you can put so much food into so small people." They are eating and talking something but I can't really pay attention to what they are saying. I'm just staring at Sara.

Sara: Hey! Stop staring!

Suga: What?

Sara: Stop staring!

Suga: I don't want to.

Sara: I do.

Suga: I don't.

She is so cute when she is annoyed. Her eyebrows wrinkle a little and there's a small dot between them. Her eyes get narrow and her look is full of angry. It looks like her eyes are full of lightning. I smile at her cute expression and she gets more annoyed. She just stuff's the rest of the pizza in her mouth and leaves. I laugh.

Suga: Luca I think your sister has a bad temper.

I get Luca and we run after Sara.

Suga: Sara! Wait!

Sara just walks away from us. "God she walks fast." I run to her. She doesn't look at me. I take her hand and I stop. She almost fell over for my sudden move.

Sara: Hey!

I pull her closer.

Sara: Get off!

Suga: I think you forgot someone...

Sara: Who?

I point at Luca who is running towards us.

Sara: I didn't forget him. I just thought you would look after him.

We wait for Luca and then we walk back to the hotel.

Sara's POV

I don't feel like being with anyone right now. I just need time and space. Suga just doesn't seem to realize that. I need space to breathe.

me: I'm gonna go back to my own hotel...

Suga: Why? You can stay here.

me: No I need to go.

Suga: Why? Can't you take a room from this hotel?

me: No I can't. I'm gonna go.

Suga: Why?

He started to irritate me more. I just couldn't be there anymore.

me: No I can't be here! I can't be around you right now! I need space! I need fresh air!

I just walk off before he can say anything. I can't be there now. I can't be around him. I walk to my hotel. I go to my room and I just fall to my bed. It's really hard to breathe. I feel like someone is choking me. I take my clothes off and I go to the shower. The feeling doesn't leave. I'm laying on the floor trying to breathe. Instinctively, I take the blade and I put on my wrist. This is the first time I hesitate to cut but the feeling is getting bigger inside of me. I make a small cut. It doesn't hurt. I make bigger and deeper into my thigh. It starts to bleed. Slowly the pain gets to me. I can breathe again. I slowly get up from the floor. I see myself from the mirror. I have changed a lot. I'm skinnier. My cheeks are thin. I have dark shadows under my eyes. I dyed my hair back to my normal color. It looks weird. I look tired and like I haven't eaten in a long time. I'm disgusted the way I look. I walk back to the room. I lay on the bed. The blood is coloring the sheets. My phone is ringing all the time. I don't wanna answer, I know who it is. "Suga..." I fell asleep.

Next day

It's the first day of December. Christmas is coming soon. I don't feel like celebrating tho. I wanna go back to sleep but I know that it's not any better. I would love to sleep without the nightmare. I wanna see Suga but I know it's not a good idea now. I need time...

Suga's POV

I couldn't sleep all night. I'm too worried. Why does she always do this? Why does she always make me worried? I can't get up from the bed. Luckily Luca is still in sleep. I close my eyes. Suddenly there comes a picture of Sara laying on the floor bleeding. She could have done it again. I take my phone and call her. She doesn't pick up so I leave her a voicemail.

Sara's POV

I'm laying on the bed when I hear my phone ringing. I'm sure it's Suga. I let it ring. He leaves me a voicemail. I'm curious to hear what he wants.

Suga: Hmm... I'm sure you are still in sleep but I... I wanted to check if you are okay... I'm worried... Call me? Please..?

I don't wanna call him now. I know he worries but... I texted him to say I'm okay.

Text:

me: I'm okay.

Suga: Okay... Just wanted to check. You wanna have breakfast together?

me: Lunch?

Suga: Okay. Where?

me: I'll text you the address later.

I put my phone away. I go back to the bathroom. I find bandages and I bind my wounds. I put clothes on and I leave from the hotel. I walk around and I end up to the beach. I sit on the sand. I watch how the kids run and play. Adults laugh with each other. That's what happy should look like. I watch the sea. It looks calm now. I decided to call dad. I want to know how he is.

I've sat on the beach almost three hours talking with dad. It's almost noon and I text the address to Suga. I should go there too. I get up and I almost fell back. I feel weak. I look at the bandage on my thigh. It's bleeding again but I don't care. I take a cab to the restaurant.


	5. chapter 5

In the restaurant.

I sat down on a table. I see from the window that Suga and Luca are coming. I wait for them before I order. Once they have sat down we order. After we have ordered I know I have to tell them.

me: I've decided what I'm going to do.

Suga: Yeah?

me: Yeah... I'm gonna stay here at least the rest of the year. I don't know about next year yet.

Suga: Oh... Okay. We are gonna stay here too.

me: No, don't. You should go back home.

Suga: No, we are gonna sta...

me: No you need to go back home. Luca needs to go back to school and so should you. I talked with dad and he is waiting for Luca at home. I booked your tickets already. The flight leaves tomorrow morning.

Suga: Sara...

me: Suga... I need time and space. I need to think and I can't do that if you are here.

Luca starts crying.

me: Luca, don't cry.

Luca: B-ut I-I don't wanna go-o with-out you.

me: I'm sorry Luca but you have to go back to school. I will come back home, okay. I'm just gonna be here for a while longer. We talked with dad that You would come here for Christmas. Doesn't that sound good?

Luca just nods. I see that he isn't happy with the decision I've made but I need to stay here for a while. Suga isn't looking at me. He is just staring at his plate. I wish I could give him the answers he needs but I don't have them either.

me: Luca wanna do something after we have eaten?

I see a small sparkle lighting in his eyes.

Luca: Can we... Can we go to the waterpark?

me: I...

I see how excited he is so I can't say no.

me: Sure!

Luca: Yes! Suga are you coming too? You have to come!

Suga: I don't know. I think it should be just you and Sara...

Luca: No, you need to come too!

Suga: Fine...

After we have eaten we go back to their hotel to get their swimsuits and clothes.

Suga: Do you need to pick up something from your hotel?

me: No. I'm not gonna swim.

Suga: Why?

He knows the answer already so I don't bother to answer to him. I don't like my body and I don't wanna show it in public. I'm not ashamed of my scars but I don't like my body It's disgusting. We take a cab to the waterpark. After we are in boys go chance and I go to the women's side. I just walk past the showers. I go straight to the pools. Suga and Luca come there later. Luca looks so happy. He is smiling from ear to ear. He and Suga are talking about something when they walk over to me. They're both laughing.

me: What's so funny?

Suga: We are not telling you, are we? *winks at Luca*

Luca: Nope.

me: Aha...

They keep smiling. I quickly got up from the chair and I push Suga to the pool. Luca and I started to laugh at him. He still had his clothes on.

Suga: Hey! Are you crazy?!

me: Little bit. *laughing*

He gets up from the water. I know what he is about to do. I quickly run from him. He doesn't run after me, he throws Luca in the pool. He shows me his tongue and jumps in the pool himself. They are having so much fun. I can't help but smile for them.

4 hours later 18:30

I got out of the waterpark. I'm waiting outside for Suga and Luca. They come out and I can see that Luca has been crying. I go on his level and hug him.

me: Hey, what's going on?

Luca starts to cry again.

Suga: He doesn't want to leave you. He's afraid that you leave him again.

me: Hey! Hey, look at me. I am not leaving you! Okay? You are just going back to home and school, yeah? Dad is there and he misses you. And we are going to see each other at Christmas, right? And we can call every day. You can Skype or FaceTime me and I can help you with the homework. Okay? *he nods a little* Look, I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here waiting for you to come in Christmas. Okay?

I hug him tightly. He's not crying anymore but I know he doesn't want to leave me. I'm all that he has had ever since mom died. I hope that dad can handle him... We take a cab back to their hotel. Luca is asleep. Well, he has just been in a waterpark for 4 hours. I carry Luca in their room and I put him on the bed. I tuck him in. I look at Suga, he looks like he's thinking something.

me: What's on your mind?

Suga: I... Do you love me? Or was it just a dream?

me: Yoongi...

Suga: I wanna know.

me: I... I don't know.

He walks closer to me. He takes my hands on his. He looks right to my eyes.

Suga: It couldn't have been a dream, right? You did kiss me?

me: Yoongi... I...

Suga: I need to know.

me: Yes, I love you but...

Suga: But what?

me: It's not that simple...

Suga: What do you mean? How can it be complicated? I love you and you love me.

me: It's not that simple. The reasons why I left haven't just disappeared...

Suga: What reasons? I don't understand.

I take my hands of his and I back away.

me: I need to go.

Suga: Sara...

I walk outside the hotel. I walk to the beach. I can't... I can't explain it to him. It's just... I don't know the reasons myself so how could I explain it to him. "Am I making this too hard..?" I can't give him what he wants. I just can't. Someone walks next to me and sits down.

me: You can't leave Luca alone. What if he wakes up?

Suga: He won't.

We just sit there and watch the sea.

Suga: Just promise me one thing. Come back when you know. Okay?

me: Okay.

He gets up and walks back to the hotel. I sit on the beach for a while longer and then I get up and go back to my hotel.

Next morning, 8 am

I wake up all sweaty again. I go to the shower. After I have showered I put on some clothes. I look at the clock it's 8:30. Their flight leaves in an hour and a half. Maybe I should call Luca... I don't know. Maybe I call them when they land in the USA. I shouldn't worry. He is with Suga. "They'll be fine." I'm starting to feel sick and my breathing gets superficial. My vision is starting to blur. I can't keep balance and I fell on the floor. I'm dizzy. I pass out. When I come back to reality I hear someone talking.

me: Hey... What happened..? Where am I?

?: She is coming around. Hello there! Can you tell me your name?

I open my eyes but it's still a little blurry.

me: Sara. What happened?

?: We believe that you passed out. Do you remember what happened?

me: No...

My vision is getting better. I can see two medics around me and a cleaning lady on the door. I think there are a few more people but I can't see them I just hear voices. I try to get up but I'm stuck to something. I'm on a barrow.

medic: We want to take you to the hospital to check out if there's anything wrong.

me: No, there's no need.

medic: Well we would like to take you to the hospital to stitch the wound on your leg. It looks deep.

me: No need it's not that deep. Thank you but I don't want to go to the hospital.

I loosen the ties and get up to sit. It's a bit dizzy still but I get up and walk to the bed. I sit down.

me: I'm sorry to bother you but I don't need help.

medic: Are you sure?

me: Yes. Thanks.

The medics leave the room. I walk to the door and I close it. I fall on the floor my legs give up. I look at the time. Its already 11am their flight has already left.

"I should look for an apartment I can't live in a hotel room for long." I take my phone and I start to look for an apartment.

About 3 weeks later 22. Dec 12:00

It's almost Christmas and Lucan and dad are coming to celebrate it in here Sanya. Their flight is scheduled to land 18:00 so I have 6 hours to kill. I'm going crazy in yearning. I've missed Luca so much. I've been thinking a lot about everything but it doesn't seem to make any sense still. I've been walking around the city. I've eaten in my mother's friend's restaurant almost every day. It's been good to be around her. She is so similar to mom. I miss her...

I go out to shop for some clothes for me and also I need to buy some food for the house. I don't have anything in there. I don't even have Christmas decorations or Christmas tree. Maybe I should buy some decorations too. I've made my clothing shopping and bought all the food I go back to my apartment. All the clothes that I bought are black. I'm not good at colors so I stick to black. I put the food and clothes away. I sit down on the couch. It's only 3 pm. I don't know how to send the rest remaining time so I decided to nap.

18:46

I woke up and I saw what time it is. "SHIT! I should have been on the airport hour ago." I quickly run out in my car. I speed to the airport. I quickly park it and I see Luca and dad just walking out of the airport. "I hope they haven't waited for me long."

me: Luca! Dad!

I run to hug them. I kiss Luca on his forehead and hug him real tight. Then I hear a familiar voice behind me.

?: So you didn't miss us at all?

me: Hoseok!

I turn around and I see all the boys and Ashley.

me: How are you here?

I hug all of them.

Jin: We missed you and your dad suggested that we should come here too.

me: Yoongi didn't come?

Namjoon: Oh he did but he's getting the luggage.

me: Lost a bet?

Jimin: Something like that. But how are you? We haven't seen you in ages!?

me: Jimin we just talked on the phone like yesterday.

Jimin: Yeah, but it's not the same...You have dyed your hair back to your natural color. It looks way better live than in FaceTime. And you don't have any makeup.

me: Yeah well...

Then Yoongi walks from the doors. My heart skips a beat. I've missed him so much.

me: Hi...

Suga: Hi...

me: Okay, we should maybe go... But you don't all fit in my car. Or in my apartment.

Jin: Some of us can take a cab and we can figure something out in your apartment... Okay, if Luca, Erik, Suga, and Taehyung go to your car and the rest of us take a cab.

me: Okay. Let's go.

I saw what Jin did but now I couldn't care less. I was happy. Happy that my whole family was here for Christmas.

Evening 19:00

We've just eaten dinner and everyone is in the living room talking. I'm cleaning dishes. Hoseok comes to next to me.

Hoseok: Sooo?

me: What?

Hoseok: You and Suga?

me: Yeah?

Hoseok: So what happened? He just came back home and didn't tell anything to us. So what happened?

me: Stop asking stupid questions and help me.

Hoseok doesn't do anything to help me.

me: If you aren't going to help me go away.

Hoseok just laughs and leaves. I do the dishes by myself. When I'm done I go to the living room with others. I sit down on the armchair. Luca comes to sit on my lap. I smell his hair. It smells so good. I start to braid his hair. It's already grown to his shoulders. I make him french braid. He looks so cute. Others are playing Alias. They are yelling and flailing. They look so funny. This is what I've been missing. I see Suga staring at me. When I look at him he smiles at me and then goes back to the game. It's almost 9 pm. Luca is sleeping in my lap. I carry him carefully in my bed. Dad is already in sleep on the bed. I go back to the living room.

me: Where do you wanna sleep? You could go to a hotel.

Hoseok: No, we can sleep in here.

me: There's not much room in here...

Jin: Don't worry will be fine.

me: Yeah, well I need to sleep here too...

Jin: Oh...You can take the couch and we'll sleep on the floor with mattresses.

me: Okay...

We make our beds and go to sleep. I can't sleep. I'm really anxious and I don't even know why. I look at others sleeping. Then I realized that Suga is looking at me. "I guess he can't sleep either." I get up and walk to the kitchen. I drink a little water. I frighten when someone touches me from behind.

me: Fuck! Don't do that!

Suga: *whispering* Shh! Don't wake others.

He takes a glass and pours water in it. He takes a sip and then just stares at me.

me: *whispering* What?

Suga: *whispering* Hm?

me: *whispering* You are staring.

Suga: *whispering* Oh... Sorry, I'm just thinking...

me: *whispering* What about?

Suga: *whispering* Nothing really...

me: *whispering* Okay... I'm going back to bed...

I walk past him but he suddenly he grabs my hip and pulls me closer. He stares into my eyes and then slowly kisses me. My heart is beating very fast. I kiss him back. The kiss is deep and strong. He slowly puts his tongue in my mouth and then he pulls back his head. He is looking straight to my eyes. He comes closer no taking his eyes of mine. I feel his warm breath on my skin. "Fuck! I shouldn't do this." He closes his eyes. He bites my lower lip gently. His breathing is getting shallow. He kisses me deeply and lustfully. Then I feel his hardened dick on my inner thigh. I push him back. I close my eyes. "I can't... I can't..."

me: *whispering* Sorry...

I walk to the bathroom. I fall on the ground. "I can't... I can't..."

Suga: *knocks on the door* Sara... Are you okay?

me: Yeah... I'm fine... Go to sleep.

I can't breathe properly. I get up. I put my shoes on and I go for a run.

When I come back from the run it's already 5 am. I take my shoes off. I walk to the bathroom and I take a shower. When I walk out of the bathroom I see Suga staring at me from the couch.

Suga: Where were you all night?

me: Nowhere.

I walk to my room to change my clothes. Suga follows me.

me: Hey! I need to change.

Suga: I don't care. I've seen it before.

me: Well I do, so go away.

Suga just stands in the doorway. "Sometimes he can be really annoying." I push him out of the room and I shut the door. I change my clothes but I don't wanna go to the living room. I know Suga is waiting there. I don't know what he wants and I don't wanna find out. I sit on the bed beside Luca. He's still in sleep. "He's so cute!" I stroke his hair. I love his hair color it's like ashy chocolate brown. He slowly opens his eyes.

me: Oh sorry... Did I wake you? Go back to sleep.

He closes his eyes and I can hear little snores. "So cute." I get up and go to the living room. Suga is sitting on the couch. Luckily Jin and Namjoon are already awake. They are snuggling on the floor.

me: Get a room.

Namjoon: *smirking* Every room is already taken.

I roll my eyes and go to the kitchen to make some breakfast. Suga comes too. He's acting just like when he first found out that I cut myself, staring.

me: If you aren't going to help me get out. I don't need anyone staring at me when I make breakfast.

He stood still, still staring at me. I turn around and look at him. I'll give him a knife to chop the tomatoes. He takes it and starts to chop them. I can still feel him staring at me.

me: Hey! Eyes on the tomatoes or you will cut your fingers.

At the same time, he cuts his index finger.

Suga: Argh!

me: Hey! What did I say?

I take his finger and I put it under running water. I take a few paper towels and wrap them around his finger.

me: Wait here I'll go get the bandages.

I'll come back with a bandage and I put it around his index finger. He doesn't take his eyes off me the whole time.

Namjoon: You already look like a couple.

I see him and Jin in the doorway smirking. I just roll my eyes.

me: If you have nothing else to do you could help me with the breakfast.

They are still smirking but they come to help me.

me: You go sit on the couch or something. (to Suga)

Suga just sits on the islet table. He keeps looking at me. I see how Jin and Namjoon keep smirking.

me: You know that's really annoying?

Suga: What?

I roll my eyes. He can be annoying.

Suga: Where did you go last night?

Jin: She wasn't her? I thought... I saw you two kissing...

I blush.

Namjoon: What?! Why didn't you tell me Jin?

Suga: Hey!

They look at Suga rolling their eyes.

Suga: So where did you go?

me: Running.

Suga: For 5 hours?

me: Yeah.

Now Namjoon and Jin are looking at me too. I really hate it that I have to justify my doings. It's none of their business.

Suga: Okay... Why?

me: I couldn't sleep... I needed fresh air.

"Can't they just concentrate on their own lives and leave me alone?" Ashley and Jungkook have woken up too and comes to the kitchen.

me: Let's talk about something else. Ash, how's school?

Ashley starts to talk about school. I know that she loves talking, that's why I asked her. Maybe a bit unfair but I don't want others sticking their noses on my business. After everyone has woken up and eaten we just sit in the living room talking. I need to go to the mall to buy others gifts. I didn't know they would come so I didn't get anything for them. I get up and I go put shoes on.

dad: Sara are you going somewhere?

me: Yeah I'll just quickly go to the store. I'll be right back.

Luca: I wanna come too!

me: Fine.

Suga: I'm coming too.

me: What? Why?

He just puts his shoes on and goes outside. Luca runs after him. "Why is he like this?" I take the car keys and I go outside. I walk to the car and I open the door for Luca. Suga gets in too. I sit behind the wheel and start the car.

me: Why?

Suga: I wanted to.

We drive to the mall. I get off the car. Luca gets off too. I just ignore Suga and Luca and I start to walk to inside. He catches us and takes my hand.

me: Hey!

I try to shake his hand off but his grip is too strong. "Why does he do this? Because of what happened last night?"

We've been walking around for a while and I still had no idea what to buy them. "Maybe I should ask Suga..."

me: Ahem... What do you think guys would like to get for Christmas?

Suga stops an looks at me.

Suga: This is why you came here?

me: Yeah...

Suga: They don't need anything. They just want you to be there with them. Besides, you could never buy them anything because they are rich and probably have that already.

me: Oh... I wanna buy them something...

Suga: Why? All they need is you in there with them.

me: I want to...

Then I see a perfect store ahead of us.

me: Luca Suga will take you to the toy store. I'll be right there.

Suga looks at me confused while Luca is dragging him to the store. He finally let's go of my hand. I just smile at him and I walk to the store. I buy my gift and I walk around to find Suga a gift too. I have no idea what to give him either. He has everything. And I'm not that rich that I could buy him a new car or something. Then I see Suga and Luca in a jewelry shop. I walk in to see what they are looking. I peek behind Suga's shoulder. I see a beautiful jewel.

me: What are you looking at?

Suga almost jumps when he hears my voice.

Suga: You were supposed to be in...

me: Who is it?

I look at the jewel. It's pretty. Not really what I would wear but pretty.

me: It's pretty.

Suga: It is? Would you wear it? I mean...

me: Probably not... It's not really my style. I think it would suit Ashley better.

Suga: Oh...

me: So who is it for?

Suga: No one... I was just looking...

me: Okay...

Then I see a really beautiful ring.

me: Oh, that's beautiful! Can I try it?

The shop assistant gives it to me to try. It fits perfectly. It's a simple silver ring with a black diamond on it. It looks so beautiful.

me: It's so beautiful!

I give it back to the shop assistant.

me: It's really beautiful but I can't buy it.

We leave the shop and we go to eat.

Suga: I need to go to the bathroom but you can order me anything you want.

me: Oh, okay.

We make our order and we sit down on a table. Soon Suga comes too. We eat our foods and we leave the mall. We stop to buy some groceries and then we go back to my apartment. When we come back others are baking something in the kitchen.

me: Hey. What are you guys doing?

Jin: We decided to bake some gingerbread cookies.

me: Oh really?

Jimin: Your dad's idea.

me: Oh, figures.

There's no Christmas for my dad if there's no gingerbread cookies and mulled wine.

We bake the whole afternoon and in the evening we play games. It's unbelievable that I have met these guys. I get up to get something to drink. Hoseok follows me.

Hoseok: So?

me: So?

Hoseok: So how're things between you and Suga?

me: I don't know.

Hoseok: What do you mean? You look and act like a couple already... So what's there more to know?

me: Hoseok... It's not that simple...

Hoseok: It is actually. You've always complicated things in your head. Sometimes you should just go with your heart instead of your head. And we all know there's something really wrong in your head so... *smirking*

me: Hey!

I slap him lightly on the shoulder.

Hoseok: But seriously though, you should listen to your heart.

Hoseok leaves the kitchen. "I guess he has a point..." I go back to the living room and I see that Hoseok took my place and now I should sit on his, next to Suga. I see him slightly smirking. I walk past him to get to my new seat.

me: *whisper to Hoseok* Very subtle.

His smirk grows bigger when I sit next to Suga. "I can't believe him." I see others looking at us but their attention turns to Luca who is playing around. We all laugh at his silliness. Soon I notice that my eyes are getting heavier. I slowly go to sleep.

Yoongi's POV

I suddenly feel Sara's weigh on my shoulder getting heavier. I look at her. She's falling asleep. I take her head and I put it in my lap. She straightens her body. She's asleep already. "So cute. She must be very tired. After all, she didn't sleep at all last night." Others look at us smirking but concentrate on the game. I stroke her hair. "Why did she get so scared last night? Did I go too far?" Others start to look tired too. Erik and Luca go to sleep in the room and others start to make the bed for us. I promise Taehyung that he can sleep on the couch tonight. I put Sara down on the mattress. I put a blanket on her and I lay between her and Hoseok.

Next morning 8:00

Sara's POV

I wake up sweaty. It's not unusual anymore. It's more a rule than an exception. But there's something new. I can feel someone's hands around me. I turn around and I see Suga. I try to get up but he doesn't let me.

Suga: It's still early. Go back to sleep.

me: I need to go to the shower.

Suga: Yeah, later.

He pulls me closer to him. I'm only a few inches away from his face. Then he opens his eyes. He looks tired.

Suga: You know you move a lot when you're sleeping.

me: Sorry. I really need to take a shower.

He doesn't let go of me. He just closes his eyes.

Suga: You can't, Hoseok is in there now.

He pulls me even closer to him. Now our noses are touching. Then he just pecks me on my lips.

me: Hey!

Then I hear someone in the kitchen's doorway.

Namjoon: You look so cute!

I look at him with a deathly glare but he just laughs.

Namjoon: Jin! Jimin! Taehyung! Come to look at our new couple! They look so cute!

Everyone runs to the doorway. I try to get up but Suga still holds me tight.

me: Yoongi!

He flinches and loosens his grip just enough for me to get up.

Suga: No need to scream.

I just glare at him and get up from the floor. I see others laughing in the doorway.

me: Don't you have anything better to do?

Namjoon: Nope. Not really.

"God. Why do I like them again?" As soon as Hoseok gets out of the bathroom I run straight in there.

Hoseok: What's with her?

Everyone laughs.

Evening 20:00

We celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve. It's something dad used to do when he was younger. Our family has never been religious so we just celebrated Christmas as a family holiday. Now we've given and gotten our gifts. We are sitting in the living room and watching a movie that dad had bought for Luca. It's some kind of kids movie I haven't really paid attention to it. I get up and go to the kitchen to eat something. Hoseok comes too.

Hoseok: Have you been watching the movie at all? I saw you staring outside ones.

me: Not really.

Hoseok: Are you okay?

me: Yeah... Just been thinking.

Hoseok: Okay... If you wanna talk, I'm here.

me: Thanks...

me: I think I'm coming home soon... Maybe for New Year's Eve.

Hoseok: Seriously?!

me: Yeah... I miss Luca... And I need to attend school too...

Hoseok hugs me tight.

Hoseok: Yes! You have no idea how much we've missed you!

me: I'm sorry...

Hoseok: Don't be. It's good to have you back in Boston.

me: Yeah...

Hoseok: So are you gonna move in with your family?

me: I thought that I would buy my own place.

Hoseok: Seriously?!

me: Yeah... Nothing big... Just enough to Luca come visiting me. Maybe a bit bigger than this.

Hoseok: What about me?

me: And you of course.

Hoseok: Awesome! I think we have to move too...

me: Why?

Hoseok: Joonie and Jin have been looking for a new place for themselves and I can see why they want some privacy.

me: Oh... I'm sure you'll find something too.

He smiles at me with his lovely sunshiny smile and goes back to the living room. I stay in the kitchen. I'm not going to watch the movie anyway... I know that Hoseok is telling everyone right now about my plans. "I could go for a run..."

Next morning 7:00

I come back from my run. I didn't go last night so I went now. I walk to the kitchen to drink water.

Suga: Why do you run?

me: Oh fuck! Don't creep like that!

Suga: Why?

me: What? Oh right. I don't know... I like it. It's the only time when I can't think of anything.

Suga: Oh... So you are not anorexic?

me: No. I eat.

Suga: Good... You just look so pale and skinny.

me: I always do. *laugh*

Suga: So you are coming home?

me: Yeah... I think it's time.

Suga: So you've thought...

me: I don't know...

Suga walks closer to me. I step backward and my back hits the cabinet. He stood in front of me and pulls my chin up so I have to look him in the eyes.

Suga: You know how I feel about you and I've been really patient with you but I really can't hold myself for much longer. So I need you to figure it out.

me: Yoongi...

Suga: And you know I don't like to be called by that name.

I pull myself away from him.

me: I call you whatever name I like and I'll make my decision when I'm ready.

I walk right past him straight to the shower. After I have taken a shower I see that I didn't take my towel with me. "Fuck! How can I forget something like that? I guess I need to ask Ashley to bring it to me. Then I remember that I left my phone in the kitchen. "Fuck! Why?!" I take the hand towel and I put it around my chest.

me: Fuck!

Jimin: Sara is everything ok?

I try to open the door as little as possible.

me: Ahem... Where's Ash?

Jimin: She and Jungkook went outside.

me: Oh... What about Luca or dad?

Jimin: Same.

me: Fuck!

Suga, Taehyung, Namjoon, and Jin come to the living room. They all smirk when they see me.

Suga: What's wrong baby?

me: I'm not your baby and Jimin could you please get my towel from my room?

Jimin is getting up but Suga stops him.

Suga: I can get it.

He goes to my room and comes back with my towel.

Suga: Okay... I'll give you this on one condition... No, two...

me: Seriously Yoongi?!

Suga: First: don't call me Yoongi, second: I want a kiss.

me: Fuck you Yoongi!

Suga: Okay then...

He starts to walk away.

me: Fine!

He turns around with a big smirk on his face. He gives me the towel but doesn't let go of it.

Suga: My kiss...

I peck him lightly on his cheek and I ripped a towel from his hand and closed the door quickly.

me: Thanks Yoonie!

Suga: Hey! What was the first condition?

me: Yoongi and Yoonie are very different names.

I hear others laughing.

Time skip, 4.1.2019

I'm at my new home. I just came here from Sanya. I was supposed to come here 28.12 like others but I needed to fill some forms on my apartment there and they weren't open until 2.1. But I'm here finally. School started today already. I really should do some schoolwork or I can never catch up. I'm A student, always been and probably always will. It's the one thing I'm good at. I used to play piano but I haven't after what happened. So I'm not sure if I can play it anymore. I take my school books and I start to study.

9 pm

"It's late I should probably go to bed." I put my books away and head to bed. I'm really tired and I fell asleep almost immediately.

4 am

I wake up screaming again. It's too real. The faces don't go away even though I'm awake. Usually, they do. I go to the bathroom. I try to look for something sharp. There's nothing. I go to the kitchen. I take a knife and cut my wrist slowly, as painfully as possible. It doesn't help. The hallucinations start to get too real.

me: No!

I cry when I feel them touching me.

me: Take your hands off!

I cry harder and try to take their hands off me. I cut myself everywhere where I feel them touching. "I can't! I can't!" I pass out.

Same day 16:00

I wake up freezing. I open my eyes slowly and I see someone sitting beside me but I can't see who.

dad: You're awake.

me: Dad... What...

dad: You said you didn't do this anymore!

me: Dad... I'm sorry...

dad: Why!?

Suga: I think she needs to rest now.

I hear dad leaving. I know he's hurt and confused.

Suga: I'll be right back.

He leaves too. Someone else sits beside me.

Hoseok: I'm sorry...

I get up to sit.

me: Why?

Hoseok: I'm sorry what happened to you...

me: What do you mean?

Hoseok: When you were 12...

"Fuck Yoongi!"

I get up from the bed and walk to the living room.

me: You fucking piece of shit! You told them?! YOU FUCKING TOLD THEM! I... GET OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT EVERYONE!

Suga looks at me.

Suga: I'm sorry, but this time...

me: GET THE FUCK OUT!

Suga: You let Luca see! He saw you! And others needed an explanation...

I open the door and I throw all their shoes out.

me: Get the fuck out!

They look at me confused.

me: GET THE FUCK OUT! NOW!

They all leave finally. Suga tries to say something to me but I can't hear him now. I slam the door in front of him. "He had no right."


	6. chapter 6

I wake up at 6 like any other day. I take a shower and put my clothes on. I eat breakfast and then I leave for school. At school, I go to my lectures and afterward I go to the library for two hours to study. Then I go back home. I make myself dinner. After I've eaten I study more. Around 7 pm I go for a run. Before going to sleep at 9 pm I take a shower.

My days for the last 2 weeks have been like this. I don't give a shit anymore. Now they know. I don't know how much but it's enough that they know. I didn't want to tell them. Not now. Maybe never. He had no right. They didn't need to know.

I've seen them around the school. I know that they want to talk to me but I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready. Suga has tried to talk to me almost every day. He calls every night around 7 pm and 8 pm. He always leaves a message to the answering machine. I haven't listened to them. There's no point.

2 weeks later

I woke up like every other morning at 6 am. I put on a black hoodie and black jeans. I tie my hair up. I don't have an appetite so I skip breakfast. I decided to walk to school. It's only 4km and I have time. At school, I go straight to my lecture. It's boring but I have nothing else to do. Ashley is in the same lecture and she comes to sit next to me. I have no idea what Jungkook has told her and I don't really care.

12:00

I'm in the cafeteria for the first time since I came back from Sanya. I have to eat something since I skipped breakfast. I sit alone far from others. Suddenly I'm being surrounded. Jin, Namjoon, Taehyung, Jungkook, Jimin, and Hoseok sit around me.

Namjoon: We want to talk.

me: Well I don't.

I try to get up and leave but they don't let me. I sit back down.

Jin: We are worried. You don't talk to any of us anymore. Not even with Hoseok.

me: I don't need to. There's phycologist for that and look how that turned out.

Jimin: Sara! Seriously! You can't just shut us out. We are worried.

me: Don't be. There's nothing to be worried about.

I try to look at them as little as possible. They don't give up.

Taehyung: We wanna know that you are okay.

me: Who the fuck would be okay after that?! And I'm not talking about what happened to me 7 years ago. I'm talking about Suga. He had no right! I told him that because I thought I could trust him but he broke that trust. So no, I'm not okay but I will be. As long as I don't need to see him again.

Jimin: But Sara... We want to be your friends still. We are sorry that Suga misused your trust but don't shut us out.

me: That. That's why I didn't tell you or anyone else for that matter. That look. I don't need your pity! And if you now excuse me I need to attend my next lecture.

I get up and push my way through them. This is exactly why I didn't want anyone to know. "I DON'T NEED YOUR PITY!" My next lecture starts in 2 hours so I head to the Cafe to spend time. I sit down to drink my latte. I put my headphones on but I don't have time to put music on before someone asks me:

?: Can I sit?

I look up and I see Taehyung.

me: Fine.

He sits down and starts to drink his coffee.

Taehyung: You know none of us pity you. We are worried.

me: About what?

Taehyung: What you are gonna do.

me: I don't understand...

Taehyung: Well what if you cut yourself again and we aren't there? You could die.

me: I don't die because of that.

Taehyung: I know, you know how to do it without killing yourself... I used that too.

He shows his wrists.

Taehyung: But what if you one day pass out and hit your head? Or you have a really bad psychotic episode? Like last time... You couldn't stop hurting yourself. What then? ... We are just worried.

me: Why did you cut?

Taehyung: I... I was sick. After my breakup, I got depressed and well... You know the rest.

me: Oh...

Taehyung: We know that Suga hurted you and we don't wanna get between you two, but don't shut us out because of him. I'm actually glad that he told us but I know you weren't ready and I understand why. I know that we aren't that close but you are really dear to me. And you know that Hoseok cares about you very much. Maybe even more than 6 of us together.

me: Okay that's an overstatement.

Taehyung: Maybe... But please, think about it. Okay?

I nod a little. He gets up and leaves. "I guess he has a point..."

Next day: Saturday morning, 10 am

I just came from a run. I took a shower and now I need to cook something. Luca is coming for a sleepover. He hasn't been here in 2 weeks. Not after what happened. He and dad were the ones who found me. I didn't want him to see me like that. Never. He didn't need to know but he does now. I tried to explain it to him but I didn't know how to. How could you explain something like that? But he's coming here now and I need to show him that I'm fine. That I'm not leaving like mom.

Taehyung's words are stuck in my head. "I guess he's right. I have no reason to shut them out just because they know. But still... They are Suga's friends..." I take my phone out of my pocket and I put it on the table ahead of me. "Should I?" I take the phone in my hands. I press Whatsapp and look for the Tae's message chain. "Maybe I should..."

me: I guess you are right...

Tae: So..? We can be friends again?

me: I guess...

I can imagine how he is screaming to others right now. He's so innocent little boy even though he's 3 years older than me. I see my phone vibrating and blinking. "I guess they heard." The doorbell rings. "Luca is here."

Next Monday at school, 12 am

I'm eating in the cafeteria with Ashley. She is talking about something but I haven't been paying attention to it. Someone nudges me and sits next to me.

Hoseok: You should listen to your friend.

me: Hm?

Hoseok: I could see from the line that you were daydreaming.

me: Whatever...

Hoseok: So..? You didn't reply to any of my messages.

me: Nope.

Hoseok: So? We can be friends again?

me: I didn't know we ever stopped.

He hugs me tight.

me: Hey! I can't breathe.

He lets go of me but he's smiling like an idiot.

Hoseok: I've missed you.

me: Yeah, right.

Hoseok: You didn't miss me?

me: Why would I?

Hoseok: That's mean.

me: Sorry... Truth hurts. *smirking*

He pouts. I peck him on his cheek and his eyes light up. Jin and Namjoon come to sit with us too. They start to talk about something with Hoseok and Ashley. "I guess I've missed this."

Later Suga joins us too. I quickly finish eating and leave. I don't wanna see or hear him. I walk to my next lecture. I hear someone running towards me. It must be Ashley because we have the same lecture but suddenly someone pushes me to the music room.

me: What the hell?!

Suge: We need to talk.

me: No we don't.

I try to leave but he blocks my way.

me: Get the hell away!

He doesn't move so I sit down on a chair.

Suga: We need to talk... Let me explain.

"There's nothing he could say that would miraculously change the fact that he broke my trust."

Suga: I'm sorry... I... They wanted to know why you did that and...

me: I DON'T CARE!

I feel tears falling on my cheeks.

Suge: Sara...

me: NO! IT WASN'T YOUR PLACE TO TELL THEM. I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I WANTED TO TELL THEM! YOU HAD NO RIGHT! I TRUSTED YOU! YOU KNEW THAT IT WAS REALLY HARD FOR ME TO TRUST YOU AND STILL YOU BROKE MY TRUST! HOW COULD I EVER TRUST YOU AGAIN?! I DON'T NEED PEOPLE LIKE YOU AROUND ME! So thanks but no thanks... I don't wanna talk to you again.

My eyes are tearing more and more. I try to walk out but he grabs my arm.

Suga: Sara...

me: GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OF ME!

He lets go of me and I leave the room. "I hate you Min Yoongi." I don't feel like going to my next lecture so I go home. I try to do some schoolwork but I can't really focus. I decide to go for a run. It always helps me to clear my head. I run for two hours but it doesn't help. My mind is overworking right now. "I wish that I could use something to forget everything... No! I can't. It took me six months to get clean..." I run to home before I do something stupid. At home, I go to take a shower. It feels refreshing but doesn't calm me down. "Why am I this restless?" I sit on the couch and put the TV on but there's nothing good coming. My eyes start to get heavier and I fell asleep.

Next day 12:00

Jimin and I are buying our lunches. I see others sitting on a table already. Suga is there too.

Jimin: We can sit somewhere else...

me: No need... He's your friend...

Jimin: Are you sure?

I nod and we walk to others. I sit on the other side of the table than Suga. Others look at me confused but continue their conversation. I don't talk to him. I don't look at him. I ignore him completely. I try to talk as normally as possible with others.

me: So you are moving?

Jin: Yeah. We found a pretty good place near the campus.

me: That's good! So Hoseok where are you moving?

Hoseok: To the studio.

me: Oh?

Hoseok: Yeah we bought a new studio. There's a dance room, music things for Suga and Namjoon and for others too. And then there's our living space. I think there's like 7 rooms so Tae, JK, Suga and I are moving there.

me: Oh that's nice.

Hoseok: Yep.

me: Well I need to go. See you around!

As soon as I have eaten I leave. I don't wanna be around Suga any more than I have to. I walk around in the hallways.

Namjoon: So what was that?

I didn't notice that Namjoon walked beside me.

me: Hm?

Namjoon: You and Suga.

I knew exactly what he meant but I played dumb.

me: What do you mean?

Namjoon: You know... You ignoring him.

me: I don't know what you are talking about.

Namjoon: First you can't even be in the same room with him and now you are ignoring him. What's up between you two? Did something happen?

"Why is he this curious?"

me: Nothing happened... I need to go now.

I walk outside. "The fresh air feels so good. It's not even cold outside even though it's February."

2 weeks later at school 15:30

I've been ignoring Suga at school for the past 2 weeks. I know it makes him uncomfortable but I don't care. I'm walking on the schoolyard heading to home.

?: Sara wait!

I turned around and I see Namjoon heading towards me.

Namjoon: Hey! You wanna come to the studio?

me: I don't know...

Namjoon: He's not there. He went to his parents.

me: Still...

Namjoon: C'mon! I wanna show you something.

me: Fine... But not for long...

Namjoon: Yes! Let's go!

We take a cab to the house. It's this really big semidetached house.

me: It looks good!

Namjoon: Jin and I live on the other half.

me: Seriously? You didn't get that far then... *laughing*

Namjoon: Yeah... Well, Jin wanted to be close to others.

We walk to the house. It looks even bigger inside. Namjoon guides me downstairs where the studios are. I see quickly Hoseok and Jimin dancing in one of the rooms. We go to Namjoon's and Suga's studio.

Namjoon: Sorry it's a bit of a mess right now... We are still unpacking.

me: No worries.

I sit on the couch.

me: So what did you want to show me?

Namjoon opens the computer and searches something. Then he clicks something and a melody starts to play. Then someone starts to sing he sounds familiar but I have no idea who it is.

Namjoon: I thought that I'd ask if you would want to sing this...

me: I don't know... I can't really sing...

Namjoon: C'mon I know you can. I've heard you singing many times.

He gets a text from someone.

Namjoon: Oh sorry... Jin needs me. I'll be right back. Just think about it.

He leaves. I listen to the song to the end. It sounds amazing but I could never sing that good. The song has ended and I have no idea what to do. Namjoon is taking longer than I expected. I look at the computer. There are other tracks. I decided to listen to them because there's nothing else to do. I click the one called _I'll wait_. It's a love song and the familiar voice sings again. It's a beautiful song about hurting your loved one. Next, I click the title called _I love you with all of my black heart_. I think it's a too long name for a song. Then I suddenly feel tear streaming down my cheek. The song is very touching. It's somehow so true. It's a beautiful song about causing pain to others even though all you want is her to be happy. I click the next title. I'm starting to cry. I don't even know why. The songs are just too familiar. Then I click the one that doesn't have a title. The song is too much. I'm fully crying now. Tears are streaming down my cheeks like a waterfall. I stop the song. Too much. It was clearly about me. The lyrics are going on and on in my head.

 _Those scars on her wrists tell a beautiful, bitter, painful story._

I hear someone behind me. I try to stop crying and I wipe my tears away. Suddenly I feel someone wrapping their hands around me.

Suga: I'm sorry you weren't supposed to hear those.

He had to been standing there for at least 10 minutes. I take his hands off me and I clear my throat.

me: I need to go.

I try to leave but he wraps his arms around me again. I feel something wet on my shoulder. "Is he crying?" I try to get away but he doesn't let me.

me: Suga...

Suga: I'm sorry... I'm so sorry-y...

His voice cracks from crying. I can't help myself, I'm starting to cry too. "I don't want to.." I hug him tightly.

me: *whispering* Why couldn't you just keep your mouth shut?

I push him away from me and I walk away. On my way, Namjoon walks towards me.

Namjoon: Sara sorry it took longer than I expected... Oh, why are you crying?

I just walk past him to outside. When I'm outside I start to run towards my home. "Too much."

Author's POV

Suga sits on the couch. "Why the fuck did I tell them?" When Namjoon comes in he wipe quickly my eyes.

Namjoon: Why was she crying?

I just get up and I leave the room. Namjoon shouts after Suga.

Namjoon: What the hell is going on?!

Namjoon: "Sometimes I don't get why are they making it so difficult. They are clearly in love." Namjoon goes back to his work. He clicks the mouse and it starts to play the song. "I haven't heard this one before. It must be Suga's new song." Namjoon is mostly concentrating on Jungkook's singing but then there comes the part.

 _Those scars on her wrists tell a beautiful, bitter, painful story._

"Oh shit. She was listening to this? No wonder why she cried. This is right from her life." I listened to the song again but now listening to the lyrics properly. "Suga really wrote this? He's pretty good but I doubt that Sara liked this."

Sara's POV

"Why would he write those songs?" I got back home and I run straight to shower. I've been sitting here for hours now. My clothes are soaking wet. I turn the shower off but I can't get up. "What's wrong with me? They were just songs." It's getting cold and my wet clothes are making it worse. I'm shivering. I try to get my clothes off but my body and brain don't want to cooperate.

me: Work!

I'm starting to cry again and I don't even know why.

me: Fuck!

I'm crying and shivering on the floor beating my legs because they don't work.

me: C'mon!

"Why won't they work?!" I try and try but I can't get up. I'm sitting on the bathroom floor half naked crying and shivering. "I just wanna give up... I don't wanna do this anymore... I..." I'm slowly starting to fall asleep.

Time skip next morning 10 am

I wake up in my bed. It's too bright. Sun is shining outside and my drapes are open and the sunlight hits directly to my eyes. I'm cold. I put my head under my covers. I'm freezing even though I have pyjamas and a cover. "How the fuck am I in my bed? And why do I have pyjamas?" I try to remember if I had woken up and went to my bed but I can't remember that. I hear something in the kitchen. I get off the bed even though I'm freezing. I walk slowly to the kitchen.

me: Who the fuck... Oh, it's you...

Jin: Oh, you're awake. How are you feeling?

me: I'm fine. Why are you here? *cough cough*

Jin: Oh, Suga called and said that you needed help...

me: *cough* Why was he here?

Jin: I don't know... He just called me and told me to get here. So you are really fine? You don't sound fine...

me: How did he get in?

Jin: I don't know... I guess Hoseok might have given him a key...

me: What?! *cough*

Jin: Well... He just gave me a key and told me to give it back to Hoseok.

me: Why was he even here..? *cough*

Jin: I don't know... Sit down you don't look like you are okay... Do you have a fever?

me: So you put me in bed?

Jin: No, I guess Suga did.

me: What!? *cough*

Jin: Don't jell. Your forehead is burning. Are you cold? Do you have a thermometer?

me: I don't know...

"Why would he be here? WTF!"

Jin: I can't find it but I think you should go back to bed. I'll make you something later but you should sleep now.

me: *cough cough* Fine...

I try to take slow steps but my legs give up. Luckily Jin catches me.

Jin: When did you eat last time?

me: I don't know... I ate at school...

Jin: So yesterday? C'mon let's get you to bed. You have clearly cold. I'll make you something later.

Jin helps me to my bed. He covers me and brings me some pills and few blankets.

me: What are those?

Jin: To lower your fever.

I take the pills and swallow them. I'm tired and cold. I close my eyes and try to sleep. Jin leaves the room.

Evening 6 pm

I wake up sweating but this time it's not from the nightmares. "I guess my fever has got down." I hear voices in the kitchen. I get up and walk there.

Jin: You're awake.

me: Yeah... I'm starving.

Jin: I guessed.

He gives me a plate of chicken soup.

Jin: You should eat.

me: So, Why are you here JK?

JK: I bought the groceries to Jin...

me: Okay.

They continue their talk and I eat my soup. It's good. "Jin is a really good cook."

me: I'm fine now you can leave.

Jin: No, you have a cold and I'm staying here for the night to see that you really are okay.

me: But I'm okay now...

Jin: It's because of the medicine. When it wears off the cold can get worse.

me: Jeez mom... Okay...

Jin rolls his eyes and I hear JK laughing a little. I smile at Jin as sweetly as I can. He can sometimes be so momly. I walk to the couch and I put the TV on. There's nothing good coming now so I decided to watch Netflix instead. I put the next episode of Bones on. I love this series. I love how everything... Well, almost everything makes sense in it. In my life, everything is a big mess that I'm supposed to solve.

The episode is ending and I'm starting to shiver again. My lungs are burning. It hurts to breathe. "I guess my fever is rising." I take the blanket but it doesn't help. I'm feeling dizzy and my head is pounding. "I hate cold." I try to get up but I can't keep my balance. I fall to the floor. Namjoon, Jin, and Jungkook come running from the kitchen.

Jin: Sara! Are you okay?

me: I'm fine. *cough cough*

I try to get up put my lungs are burning and I can't breathe properly. My head starts to ache even more. I can't stop coughing.

Jungkook: Let's get you to the bed.

They carry me to my bed. My head is still pounding but it's easing off a little. I hear Jin and Namjoon talking but I can't make up what they are saying. Every word they say is like a knife to my head.

me: Can you *cough* please *cough cough* talk somewhere else..? *cough cough*

Jin: I think we should call an ambulance or doctor... This isn't an ordinary cold anymore...

me: I'm fine... *cough cough* I'm fine...

I fell asleep.

Nobody's POV

Jin: I think we should at least call a doctor. He could check that everything is ok.

Namjoon: Yeah... I think that's the best thing to do... She isn't breathing normally.

Jin calls the doctor. A while later he comes. He measures Sara's fever and listens to her lungs.

doc: How long has her fever been over 104F?

Jin: I don't know... She doesn't have a thermometer.

doc: Okay... At this point, I can't say anything for sure so I would like to take her to my clinic. I need to take X-rays and then I'll be more confident to give a diagnosis.

Jin: Oh... So it's bad?

doc: I'm not...

Jin: Confident... Yeah, I heard but what do you think it is?

doc: I might be just an ordinary cold but it might also be pneumonia.

Jin: Okay...

Jin goes to wake Sara.

At the clinic

Sara's POV

I just came back from X-ray. I can't walk. Every step hurts. I can't move, I can't breathe or even think because everything hurts. I'm sleepy but I can't get any sleep because there are people all around me all the time. Finally, the doctor comes in the room.

doc: Hello Sara! Are you ok?

I don't have any power to speak so I just smile a little.

doc: Okay... Well, the X-rays showed that you have in fact pneumonia so we have to start the antibiotics. But otherwise, you are free to go back home.

"Finally." I try to get up from the bed but moving hurts. I let out a quiet yell.

me: Argh!

Jin comes running next to me to help me get up. Leaning on him I get up but my legs aren't moving. "Not again! Move!"

Jin: Sara is everything ok?

me: I'm... I can't move...

Jin: Oh... Do I need to get the doctor?

me: No. Just... Can you carry me..?

He gets down on his knees and I put my arms around his neck. He gets up and carries me to the car. In the car, I put my seatbelt on and as soon as Jin starts the car I'm already in sleep.

Time skip

I wake up freezing in my bed. I have no idea what time is but it's dark outside. I get up and walk to the kitchen to get something to drink. I take a glass and pour some juice into it.

?: Hey.

I drop the glass and it breaks into little pieces.

me: What the fuck!?

I turn around and I see Suga standing behind me.

Suga: Are you okay?

He starts to clean up the pieces.

me: Why are you here?

Suga: I offered to come here because Jin and Namjoon were so tired. But you didn't answer my question. Are you okay?

me: What do you think?

I point the glass piece on my leg.

Suga: Oh...

Then he just grabs me into his arms and carries me to the bathroom.

me: Hey! What the fuck! Put me down!

He puts me to sit on the edge of the tub. He starts to look around the cabinets.

Suga: Where's..?

me: Upright.

He opens the cabinet and takes something there. I look at him when he takes the glass out of my leg and cares the wound. "He's still very handsome... What the hell Sara?! He hurted you! You can't forget that!" I look away.

Suga: Okay... Hey! Are you okay?

He noticed the tears coming from my eyes.

Suga: Is it painful? Or...

I look at his eyes and I put my hands on his cheeks.

me: I miss you...

Then I get up and walk back to my room. I sit on my bed and look outside from the window. The sun is rising. The sky is shades of pink, orange and dark blue. It looks so beautiful like a new beginning but I don't know if I should do it. "What if I get hurt again? What if this time it's gonna destroy me? I don't know..." I lay on the bed. Suga comes in. He hesitates but then sits next to me. I take his hand and I close my eyes. We just sit and lay on the bed in silence. "I wanna try... to forgive."


	7. chapter 7

I wake up around midnight. I'm feeling a little better but my lungs are still burning a little. I turn around to look at the window but when I turn my head I see Suga sleeping next to me. I didn't know he was still here. I'm looking at his face when he suddenly speaks.

Suga: I know I'm beautiful but no need to stare.

I don't answer to him anything I just keep looking at him.

Suga: Hey! No need to stare.

Now his eyes are open and he is looking back at me.

me: What am I gonna do?

Suga: With what?

me: You...

I keep looking at his eyes but he turns his head around and stares at the ceiling.

Suga: I'm sorry...

me: *whispering* Me too...

I turn to look at the ceiling too. We lay on the bed in silence just looking at the ceiling. My mind is completely empty. I'm just breathing. Suga suddenly takes my hand. He gets up and pulls me in sitting position.

me: What?

Suga: Are you hungry? I'll make you something.

He pulls me up but I'm feeling really weak suddenly and my legs can't hold me up. Suga puts my arm around his neck and supports me.

Suga: You okay?

me: Yeah, I'm fine...

We walk slowly into the kitchen. I sit down on to the table. He starts to look for something to eat.

me: You know I don't really cook right? So there isn't really anything in here. And it's night so we should go back to sleep.

Suga still looks throw everywhere. There's literally nothing to eat in my house. Suga sits in front of me.

Suga: I could go to the store buy something to eat.

me: It's still night. There's nothing open.

Suga: Oh I know! There's this pizza place...

He takes his phone and calls someone. After the call, he puts his phone away and looks at me.

Suga: It'll be here in 15 minutes.

I'm just looking at him. Suddenly I feel shivers. Suga notices it.

Suga: Are you cold?

I shake my head a little. He gets up and walks beside me. He puts my arm around his neck and take me into his arms and carries me to the couch. And then he just starts to cover me with blankets. After the fourth blanket, I spoke up.

me: I'm not this cold.

He puts two more blankets around me.

Suga: You wanna watch something?

me: Sure.

He puts the TV on. There's some kind of movie coming and we stick with it. For a while, we sit in silence waiting for the pizza.

Suga: Why are you talking to me again?

The question is sudden and I don't know how to answer.

me: I don't know...

Suga: Don't get me wrong... I'm happy that you are talking to me but... But I totally understand why you wouldn't want to talk to me. What I did was unforgivable...

me: Let's not talk about that...

Doorbell rings and Suga goes to open the door. He comes back with three pizzas.

me: You sure are hungry...

He just smiles at me with his lovable gummy smile and sits beside me.

me: Can you loosen the blanket so I can get my hands free?

Suga: No. You'll be cold. I can feed you.

me: No. No, I can eat myself.

He just hums and loosens the blanket around me so I can eat myself. I take a pizza slice. It's delicious. I haven't eaten in a while so it tastes even better now. I eat almost two whole pizzas. Suga eats only one.

me: You can eat the rest... I'm full.

Suga: Already? *smirking*

I like seeing him smirking but it also makes me irritated. And sad. I hate this. I hate how things are between us now. And I know that I could make things easier but I'm not sure if I'm ready to forgive him yet. We sit in the living room watching TV in silence. The movie it's actually pretty good. "I need to go to the bathroom..." I get up but my head is a bit dizzy. I hold on to the couch for a while waiting for the feeling go.

Suga: Hey, you okay?

me: Yeah...

I start to walk towards the bathroom but Suga gets up and takes my arm and puts it around his neck and puts his arm on my waist to support me.

me: I can walk by myself. It's only like 3 meters to the bathroom.

I take my arm around his neck and his arm from my waist. He still walks beside me. I walk inside the bathroom and I turn to close the door. Suga stands in the doorway looking at me.

me: Hey...

He steps one step closer still looking me straight to my eyes.

me: Okay, I think I can manage myself from here.

I push him gently out of the bathroom and I close the door.

Suga: If you need help with anything let me know.

I lock the door.

me: I think I'll be fine.

I walk to the mirror. I look at myself. I look horrific. I think I've lost a few kilos. My skin is greyish and my hair is greasy. "God I look terrible! I should go to the shower." I turn the shower on and I go in.

Yoongi's POV

I hear a shower going on. "I'm not sure if this is a good thing that I'm here now. She's talking to me now but I don't know if it'll last. She doesn't want to talk about it. Is she still hurt? Does she trust me? I have no idea." I turn the TV off and clean the trashes and put the rest of the pizza to the fridge. I hear the shower going off.

Sara's POV

I turn the shower off and I get out of the shower. I wrap a towel around me. My lungs are hurting. "I guess the painkillers are fading off." Suddenly I feel a stabbing pain in my heart. It gets more and more painful. I lose my balance. My eyes are blurry. I can't breathe because the pain is so strong.

me: Argh!

I cry and jell in pain but only little whisper gets out. My heart is on fire. "What the fuck is this?"

Yoongi's POV

I hear a loud voice coming from the bathroom. I run to the bathroom door. It's locked so I knock but she doesn't answer.

Suga: Sara! Sara are you okay?!

Still no answer. "Fuck it! I'm going in."

I kick the door and it breaks a little. I kick again and it brokes open.

Suga: Sara!

I see Sara laying on the floor unconscious. "What the fuck Sara!?" I can't see any blood so she didn't cut herself. "What the fuck happened?" I take her pulse. But I can't feel it. "Sara! No, you can't leave me now!" I take my phone and I call an ambulance. I start the CPR as they advise on the phone. She's still not breathing. Soon the medics come and take over. "What the hell?!" I go back and sit on the floor. Tears are falling on my cheeks. "You can't leave me, Sara! I love you so fucking much! I'm so so sorry for everything I did! I love you!"

After a while, the medics get her heart beat again. They quickly take her and their stuff and hurries to the ambulance and to the hospital. I follow them in my car.

Nobody's POV

Sara is in the surgery. Suga is waiting in the hallway to an update on her condition. He called Sara's dad and the rest of the group. Sara's dad Erik and Luca come to the hospital. They meet Suga in the hallway.

Erik: How is she? What happened? Did she do it again?

Suga: No... They said that she had a heart attack...

Erik: Where is she?

Suga: In the surgery.

Erik: Why? She had a heart attack. Why does she need surgery?

Suga: I don't know... They didn't tell me anything... They just rushed her to the surgery.

Erik goes to the front desk to ask about her. Luca sits next to Suga.

Suga: Hey buddy...

Suga hugs him tightly. Luca starts to weep a little.

Suga: Hey... She will be fine... The doctors in here know what to do and they'll make her better again. Yeah?

Luca nods a little and buries his head in Suga's lap. Suga strokes his hair gently.

Suga: "She will be fine. She has to be fine."

Others arrive one by one. Soon there are eight men, a boy, and woman walking restlessly in the hallways waiting for news. Finally, the surgeon comes to update them.

surgeon: Hello! Are you Sara Olsen's family?

Erik: Yes! How is she?

surgeon: She is fine now. The operation went well and she is in the recovery. We'll soon bring her to the ward and you can see her.

Erik: Thank God! * sigh in relief* So why did she need surgery?

surgeon: There was a small leak in her heart that needed repairing.

Erik: Oh okay... So what caused the heart attack?

surgeon: We are not sure but we think it might have been pneumonia that caused it. In severe cases, it can cause heart attacks but while in the theater we found something...

Erik: What?! Is it serious?

surgeon: I'm sorry but we found two tumors in her lungs. We were able to remove some of them and we are now examining them to see if they are benign or not.

There's a tough bang when Erik crashes on the floor.

surgeon: Sir! Sir are you okay?

Erik comes conscious again. Jungkook and Namjoon help him to get up to sit on the bench.

Erik: Cancer..? ... How far?

surgeon: We don't know if it's cancer yet. We need to wait for the test results.

The surgeon leaves and nurse leads them to Sara's room. Sara is laying on the bed. She still has her eyes closed but she is awake.

Sara's POV

I hear someone coming into the room but I'm still under something because my eyes feel so heavy. My chest is hurting a bit and my lungs are still burning. I feel the needle in my hand. It hurts. I hate needles. I open slowly my eyes. I see everyone in the room. Their eyes are puffy and red.

me: Why do you look so sad? Did someone die?

Hoseok starts to cry.

me: Hey, what's up? Why are you crying?

Hoseok just leaves the room. Jimin and Taehyung go after him. Ashley looks like she has cried too.

me: Ash, what's wrong?

She doesn't say anything just looks out of the window.

me: Hey, someone tell me what's going on!

Dad sits next to me. He doesn't look me in the eyes.

dad: They found two tumors in your lungs...

He starts to cry too.

me: What are you talking about..? Tumors? I have cancer?

My breathing gets shallow and my heart starts to beat faster.

me: What do you mean?!

My surgeon comes to the room. He looks serious.

me: I have cancer?!

I can't breathe properly anymore. The nurse tries to put the mask on me but I push him out of the way.

surgeon: I'm really sorry... But the test showed that it is cancer. We need to make more test to see what would be the best treatment for you. I'm sorry for the bad news but we need to take you to the X-ray and CT now.

They just put me to sit in a wheelchair and pushes me somewhere. Everything is happening in a slow motion. My head is so full. And there's nothing. I feel tired. I just wanna go back to sleep and wake up and see that this is just a nightmare. They have finally taken all the test they needed. Only the blood test is left. They push me back to my room and lifts me to the bed. They take my arm and without any notice, they put the needle in my arm. It hurts. The nurse says something to me but I can't hear him. Everyone is talking around me but I can't hear anything. I feel like I'm not really here. I look at their puffy faces. They look so sad. Why I'm not sad?

dad: Sara? Sara? Sara!?

I finally hear dad's voice and it finally hits me. "I have cancer!"

dad: Sara are you okay?

me: Yeah dad, I'm fine. Are you okay? You look like shit.

I smile at him. I wipe a tear from his cheek. He has the same look that he had when mom lied on the bed in her last chemo. He smiles a little but then the look comes back immediately. I see Luca sleeping on Suga's arms.

me: Suga can you give him to me?

Suga: Are you sure?

I nod and he carries him to my lap. I stroke his hair gently. "He has to go through this twice. The world is so unfair!" I'm not sad. I'm not sad for me. I'm sad for others. I think I now know how mom felt when she was laying in the hospital bed. I hate to see others like this. Especially dad and Luca. They have to go through this again. It's so unfair. I feel tears falling on my cheeks. I try to wipe them before someone notices but it's too late.

dad: Sara...

He comes closer to me and hugs me tightly.

me: Dad... Stop you are making me cry more...

dad: You have every right to cry.

My breathing is unsteady and tears are falling now more and more. "Fuck! I don't want to cry." I push dad away. I wipe my tears off. "I can't cry now. Not in front of them." The doctor comes in. He looks serious again.

me: Nothing good this time either..?

He smiles a little but I can see it's fake.

doc: The test results came back. And I'm sorry but it's not good news. Only good news is that we got it quite early and the treatment options are better.

me: So lung cancer?

doc: No actually. You have breast cancer that has already spread. And we need to talk about treatments...

me: Take them off. That's how you get rid off of cancer too right?

doc: Yes but it's not that simple. See cancer had already spread to your lungs.

me: But you took the tumors off in the surgery right?

doc: We weren't able to get all of it because of the blood vessels.

me: So I need chemo or radiation therapy?

doc: Yes you will need chemotherapy or radiation therapy. The cancer is on stage 3 now and we need to start the treatment as soon as possible. I know this is a lot to take in so I'll give you a minute to think about your options.

He leaves the room. Everyone is looking at me confused. I guess they haven't really thought what's going on. Dad looks at me sadly.

me: Dad I'll be fine.

dad: That's what your mom said. It's same cancer that she had.

me: But it's not like her's. I'm only in stage 3 she was already in 5 when she found out. I have a better chance.

I see a tear on his cheek. He gets up.

dad: I think I'm going to get some coffee. Does anyone else want something?

Jin and Jungkook leave with him to the cafeteria. Namjoon and Suga are sitting on the couch. Hoseok comes in the room too.

me: Are you okay?

Hoseok: I should ask you that.

I smile at him.

me: I'm fine. I already know the process.

Hoseok: Yeah... So it's the same..?

me: Yeah... I already knew that I could have it at some point but I didn't know it would be this soon...

Hoseok: What do you mean?

me: I had the genetic research thing after mom was diagnosed and they said I had the gene as well...

Hoseok: Oh...

Luca is still sleeping in my arms. He looks so peaceful. I gently stroke his cheeks. If I could I would always keep him like this. Close to me, unaware of the cruel world.

Ashley is still looking out of the window. She hasn't moved at all.

me: Ash! What are you thinking?

Ashley turns towards me. She is crying.

me: Ashley...

Ashley: You can't die! Who's gonna defend me in the school if you die? Who's gonna be there even if you don't want to be. Who's gonna look after us? You can't die!

me: Ash... I'm not dying.

Ashley: You can't promise that! It's not up to you!

me: Ash... As long as I'm concerned, I'm not gonna die. Okay? I will fight.

She looks a bit relieved but she's still crying. Suga has been sitting quiet all this time. I can't really read his face. He's just looking ahead. I want to ask him how he is but something is stopping me. I wanna know how he is but at the same time, I couldn't care less. "I hate these mixed emotions." I take the notes that the doctor gave me. There's a lot of information about different treatments. I can't focus now. I'm too overwhelmed and sleepy. I suddenly realize how tired I am actually. I close my eyes and lean back. I fell asleep almost immediately.

Time skip, same day 5 pm

I hear dad talking with someone outside of the room. I can't hear anyone else I know. "They must have gone to school or somewhere else..." I open slowly my eyes. I see Luca on the couch playing something on his phone. I look outside of the room and I see dad and my doctor talking. I slowly get up to sit. Everything hurts.

me: Ah!

Dad and the doctor come quickly to me.

dad: Are you okay sweetie?

me: Yeah...

I close my eyes. The pain is getting stronger. My lungs are on fire and breathing hurts. Also, the wound is hurting too. I put my hand on my chest.

doc: We can give you more painkiller if you need.

me: Yeah...

doc: Do you need more..?

I nod. Talking is too painful.

The doctor puts something through the tubes on my hand. It makes the pain little better. It's manageable now. The doctor leaves and dad goes to sit next to Luca and Suga suddenly comes to the room too.

me: What are you doing here?

He ignores my question.

Suga: How are you? Are you in pain?

"How do you think I am? I have pneumonia and cancer." I can't help it but I feel like bitching to him but I try to control it.

me: I'm fine. You didn't answer to my question.

He still ignores the question.

Suga: Do you need something?

I look at him annoyed. "Why is he like this? Can't he just answer to my question?" I roll my eyes and look away. "How can he be this annoying?"

Suga: Hey, I asked a question.

me: So did I.

Suga: I'm here because I want to. And your answer?

me: No, I don't need anything.

He sits on the bed because there's no room anywhere else. He keeps looking at me. Like estimating every move I do. I get up from the bed and he almost jumps in front of me.

Suga: Where are you going?

me: To see where the doctor is.

Suga: Why?

me: None of your business.

He stands on my way and doesn't move even if I try to push him away.

me: Hey!

Suga: Why?

me: I already said it's none of your business! Go away!

He moves a bit so I can walk past him. But then he grabs my hand and walks with me.

me: Hey!

I try to shake his hand off but he doesn't get off me.

me: Seriously?

Suga: Seriously.

"What's wrong with him?" We walk to the nurse's station.

me: Excuse me. You know where my doctor is? I would like to talk to him about the treatments.

nurse: He is in a surgery right now but when he gets off I'll ask him to come to see you.

me: Okay thanks...

We walk back to the room. I sit on the bed. Dad and Luca are laughing at something. It's good to hear them having fun.

Time skip

I can't wait around anymore. I have to go somewhere. Everyone left home to sleep after I begged them for hours. It's almost eight pm. I get up and walk around the hallways. I really feel like running now but I don't think I should because of the surgery I just had. I'm not in pain now because I have a morphine tube in my hand but I am still recovering. I walk to the cafeteria. I buy a pack of smokes and I walk outside. Outside there's a place for smoking so I walk there. I take a smoke and put it on my lips. Then I remember that I didn't buy a lighter. There is an older man smoking too.

me: Sorry, could I borrow a lighter?

He gives it to me and I light my smoke and I inhale deeply. It feels so good.

me: Thanks.

I give the lighter back to him. I haven't smoked in a long time. It feels better than I remembered. I take a few deep breaths and I sit next to the man.

man: So why are you here?

me: Heart attack and cancer.

man: Which one?

me: Breast but spread to the lungs.

man: Okay...

me: What about you?

man: Cancer... Liver.

me: Oh... Sorry.

man: Yeah well...

Then we just sit and smoke there in silence.

?: Seriously?! You are here smoking when you just had a surgery. Are you out of your mind?

me: Why are you here Suga?

Suga takes the smoke of my hands and throws it away.

man: Your boyfriend?

me: No.

Suga: C'mon! Get your ass inside now!

me: No thanks. I like it in here.

Suga: You are freezing! It's like -15 C in here.

He takes my hands and starts to drag me inside.

me: Well it was nice to see you.

I smile to the man and rip my hands of Suga's grip.

me: I can walk by myself.

I walk inside and to my room. I sit on the bed. Suga is right about to say something when the doctor comes in.

doc: You wanted to talk about the treatments.

me: Yes.

We talked about my choices and the treatments. I have to sign some papers and then he leaves the room.

Suga: You are really gonna do it?

me: What? Oh, cut my breasts off?

Suga: Yeah...

me: Why wouldn't I? It's the best choice.

Suga: I guess...

me: So why are you here again?

Suga: I just...

me: Yes?

Suga: I couldn't sleep so...

me: Okay that's the worst excuse I've ever heard.

Suga: Whatever...

me: No, why are you really here.

Suga: I... I wanted to see you.

me: Why? You just did.

Suga: I just... I wanted to talk to you without others here...

me: Oh...

Suga: I wanna know where I am. How things are between us. Because you are talking to me but I have no idea are you still mad or...

me: I don't know... I haven't really thought about it...

Suga: Yeah...

Then we just sit in the room in silence. I lay back on the bed and look at the ceiling. "I wish I knew..."

Time skip, a week later

I'm still in the hospital. My pneumonia hasn't gotten better so I haven't been able to start my cancer treatments. They scheduled the surgery for next week but if I don't get better soon I can't have the surgery. Dad and Luca have been here every day and boys have been stopping by when they have had a chance. Ashley I haven't seen in a week but I understand if she can't see me now. It's a lot to take in and also she is leaving to L.A. Suga has been here once after our conversation. I know it's hard for him but I really miss him. I didn't know that I was able to miss him after the past few months but I do. I really want to see him. Hoseok has been here almost every day. I can see that he is trying his best to get me smiling. It's what he does, makes others happy. But I haven't seen him smiling, like really smiling.

They are doing tests every day to see if the cancer is spreading. And to find out what would be the best treatment for me. Jin and Namjoon came over. It's always nice to have visitors because it's so boring in the hospital.

me: C'mon tell me something good... Any gossips in school? Please... I'm dying here.

Jin: Not funny.

me: Oh c'mon... It is kind of funny...

They don't smile at all.

me: Fine... But please tell me something... I'm bored.

Jin: There's nothing really going on in school...

me: Oh c'mon... There's always some big rumor going on...

They look at each other and I know what the look means.

me: Oh... I'm the rumor... What are they saying then?

Jin: Nothing really... Just that you are in the hospital...

me: And...

They look at each other again.

me: They know about my cancer...

Namjoon: Sorry...

me: Why... It's not like I could keep it a secret for long... I'm gonna be bold soon so... But please tell me something good... How about you two? How did you two meet?

Jin: It's a long story...

me: Well I have time...

Namjoon: We met at high school.

Jin glares at Namjoon.

me: Oh, now I really need to know the whole story. So?

Namjoon: We weren't exactly good friends at the beginning...

me: Yeah?

Jin: Well at the freshman year we were the only Asians in the school so everyone assumed that we would be friends... But we have known each other since first grade. And well we weren't friends back then... And then Jin moved back to Korea so we didn't get to know each other... And when we met in high school again we had the same expectations of each other...

me: Okay... You really suck at telling your story by the way. But do continue...

Jin glares at me and Namjoon laughs.

Jin: Well whatever... But then at sophomore year I came in the same high school and we got to know each other throw friends.

me: Oh... like Jimin and Hoseok?

Jin: Yeah... And in sophomore year I knew already how I felt about him but he still had girlfriends...

me: What? Seriously?

Namjoon: Yeah... I've loved him since a freshman year but I was really deep in the closet, unlike Jin...

me: Aww...

Jin: Well anyway... In the junior year before leaving for the summer holiday I told him because...

Namjoon: He had been avoiding me for like the whole year and I thought he hated me... So I asked him why and he confessed.

Jin: Yeah... Well, we have been together ever since...

me: That's it?

Jin: Yeah why?

me: Pretty ordinary story...

Namjoon: Yeah... I've told him that but he still doesn't want to tell about it to people.

me: Why?

Jin: I don't know... It's just not a good story to tell...

me: I think it is but you should just train your storytelling skills...

Namjoon and I smile at him and he rolls his eyes.

Jin: Yeah... Maybe.

We talk for hours more but then they need to leave again and I stay in the hospital. I'm so bored in here.

Time skip, 2 weeks later

I have the surgery tomorrow. I finally got better from pneumonia and my body is strong enough for surgery. It's now 9 pm and the surgery is at 8 am so I have 11 hours before they are taking my breasts. And also cancer but that's not the thing I'm gonna miss. Not that anyone could notice that I don't have breasts because they are not that big. I'm like a board. but still. They are cutting off a piece of me. I have no idea why am I caring about this. A year ago it would have been indifferent what I had or didn't have but now it matters. But I'm getting rid of cancer for good. I'm rolling in my bed and I can't sleep. I get up and walk to the window. It's dark outside. The snow has already melted and it looks so rough and cold. "I wish spring would already come. This is too depressing." I don't know why but tears start to gather in my eyes. I try to blink my eyes so they do not fall, but it's too late.

?: You should be sleeping.

I turn around and I see Suga standing in the doorway.

Suga: Are you okay?

He rushes to me and hugs me. I can't hold it anymore I start to cry. I hug him tight and he hugs me back. After a while, I calm down a bit and broke the hug. I wipe my tears. He gives me a paper towel to clean my nose.

Suga: What's wrong?

me: Nothing... Everything...

Suga: Okay... Anything I can do?

me: No...

I laugh a little.

Suga: What?

me: It's just funny... When you think of it... I couldn't be with you because I didn't want to hurt you, but you actually end up hurting me even though we weren't together.

Suga: That's not funny.

me: It kinda is.

Suga: What do you mean you didn't want to hurt me?

me: You know... When you were in the hospital... I didn't want to hurt you like that anymore so I had to leave. I promised to myself to never hurt you again so I had to stop loving you. And you made it easy after you told others... No. Actually, it's still hard but now I have a better reason to not to be with you.

Suga: You think you aren't hurting me now..? I hurt all the time because of you. You hurt me every time you do something and I can't be there for you because you won't let me. You hurt me every time I see you sad but I can't do anything to make it better. I hurt because you are hurt and because I am the one who causes your pain. We hurt the people we are closes to all the time but it's not a good enough reason not to love them. We hurt each other because we love them.

me: That's stupid.

Suga: Maybe... But true. I want you. I love you and I wanna be with you every second that I'm alive. I don't care if I get hurt I just need you there.

me: You mean every second I'm still alive?

Suga: Don't talk like that. You're not dying.

me: You don't know that. I might die. They said that if I don't take any treatments I have max. year left depending on how fast it spreads. Mom had two months even though she had chemo.

Suga: STOP!

me: Well at least if I die you have something to write songs about.

Suga: Sara...

I just smile at him. I really don't wanna talk now. Not about this, not now. It's too soon and I don't know how to say anything, but I see that Suga wants to talk now.

Suga: Sara I really mean it. I wanna be with you.

me: Suga...

Suga: You don't call me Yoongi anymore. Why?

me: You don't like it.

Suga: Yeah... Sara, I really need to know if you want to be with me or not.

me: It's not that simple...

Suga: Yes it is. Either you want to be with me or you don't.

me: Suga... It's just...

Suga: Sara...

me: I miss you when you aren't here but... But when you are here I don't want you here. I... It's not simple...

Suga: Why?

me: I... I can't be around you. I...

Suga: You what? You don't wanna hurt me? That's nothing considering this.

me: No... I can't trust you...

He steps closer to me. I can't move backward because I'm already leaning against the wall.

Suga: I'll do anything to make you trust me again.

me: You make it sound so easy.

Suga: Please Sara...

me: It would be cruel of me to be with you. I don't even know how long I have... And it wouldn't be fair for you if you would have to always prove to me that you can be trusted. It's just not gonna work...

I look at him in the eyes and I see tears forming in his eyes. I can't look at him so I turn around to look out of the window. He comes close but he doesn't touch me. I feel his warm breath on my neck.

Suga: I'm gonna do everything I can to make you trust me again.

Just as I'm about to say something I hear the door closing. He left.


	8. chapter 8

Next morning

I didn't sleep at all last night. Everything was running around in my head. Suga, mom, cancer, dad, Luca, and today's operation. Even though I haven't had nightmares in a few weeks I haven't been able to sleep well either. The nurses come to my room to prepare me in the surgery. I laugh at their faces when they see all the scars on my body. Only one of them has asked me about them. Others just keep staring me shocked. It's 7:45 and they are taking me to the operating room. Dad is walking beside me. He looks worried. I take his hand and squeeze it gently and smile at him.

me: I'll be alright.

He tries to smile but it fails and it mostly looks like a grin. We get to the or's doors and dad needs to stay behind. I wave at him and smile. "It'll be just fine, right? It has to be..." We get to the or and I need to go to the operation table. I lay down and they start to prepare me. They put something in the tube and puts the mask on my face and tells me to count back from ten.

me: Ten.. nine... eight... seven... si...

Time skip 12:15

I've been awake for a while now but I can't open my eyes because I'm so tired. Someone is in the room but I don't know who and I don't really care now. I'm sore all over my upper body. It's hurting around my chest. The pain is getting worse and I can't sleep.

Yoongi's POV

I've been sitting in Sara's room for an hour now. They brought her back a while ago but she hadn't opened her eyes yet. I know she's awake because her breathing isn't deep anymore. She starts mumbling something and turning around in her bed. Then she starts to hit herself in the chest and stomach.

Suga: Sara! What's wrong?

The nurse comes in.

nurse: Sara are you in pain?

She takes Sara's hands in hers so she can't hit herself anymore. She checks her pulse from the monitor. It's rising.

nurse: Sara try to calm down, I'm gonna give you something for the pain.

She takes a syringe and injects her arm. Sara flinches little but calms down a bit. Now she opens her eyes and sits. She's rubbing her chest little and I see a tear falling from her eye. I sit next to her and wipe it away. She looks at me frightened. I put her lie down and go lay beside her. I stroke her hair and I feel her weight on me getting heavier. She's falling asleep.

Time skip

Sara's POV

I wake up again and it's almost 3 pm. I feel a bit better but I'm still in pain. I feel my heart beat all over my body. I try to breathe steadily but it's not really working. I see that Suga has left. I don't really remember what happened earlier but I remember that he was here. I know that dad is at work. He goes there every time it gets too close. When mom was sick he used to be work all day long and at nights he would come to home only to look at mom sleeping. And in the mornings he would go back to work after making breakfast for us. "I hope he doesn't go to that this time. He needs to take care of Luca." I hear someone coming to the room.

Luca: Sara!

He runs to me and gets on the bed. He hugs me. It hurts but I don't care. I've missed his smile and hug. Jimin and Hoseok come to the room too.

me: Where's dad?

Jimin: He called that he's gonna be at work late so he asked us to pick up Luca.

"Dad you need to get your act together. I'm not here to help you out with Luca if I die. You're gonna have to do it."

me: Oh, okay.

Luca shows me his new game. He's so excited. The afternoon goes by so fast and soon it's already 7 pm and Luca and others need to go home. "I wish I could go home with them too..."

Time skip 3 weeks later

My first chemotherapy is today and tomorrow if everything goes well I will be discharged. I'm scared. I saw what chemo did to my mom. And she didn't even have time to make it for one treatment session. My prognosis is better than moms was but still, I don't wanna die like she did. Who will look after Luca and dad then? It's almost noon and I should be in the treatment room already but I'm too scared to move. I know what my prognosis is. If I don't take any treatments I will only have months to live definitely not a year. But if I do take the treatments I maybe have a year or more depending on how the treatment works. But I will die someday. It's too far spread so I will never get better. It would be a miracle if I would recover from this. Someone knocks on my door and I turn around to see who it is.

Suga: Shouldn't you be in chemo now?

me: I should.

Suga: So why aren't you?

Suga: Sara?

me: What's the point?

Suga: Okay, I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear that. You should be going now.

me: No. Seriously. What's the point? I'm not gonna get better. Never. This will kill me. So why do the chemo? It's only gonna prolongs the inevitable. I don't see the point.

Suga: You do it for your loved ones. The ones that care of you. Cares if you are here or not. Even though you might not get better, you get more time. They get more time. And who knows maybe you will be the one in a million who will beat this. You won't ever know if you never try.

me: So I need to lose my hair and feel terrible for others?

Suga: Basically, yes.

me: That's fucked up.

Suga: Maybe. But you should go now.

I get up from the bed. And start to walk towards the doorway where Suga is now standing but it happens again. I suddenly fall on the floor and my legs stop cooperating with me.

me: Fuck!

Suga comes to help me up but I can't stand. He puts me down on the couch.

Suga: Wait here.

me: Where else would I go...

He disappears somewhere and comes back with a wheelchair.

me: Seriously?

Suga: Yep.

He puts me in the wheelchair and then pulls me to the treatment room.

nurse: Sara I presume.

I nod.

nurse: You're late.

me: Sorry...

Suga: Her legs didn't work and I didn't know where to get a wheelchair. Sorry.

She just looks at us and then shows us for my seat. Suga helps me to sit on the chair and the nurse starts to put needles in me. I hate needles so I turn my head away. Suga strokes my other hand.

me: Why are you even here Suga?

Suga: I told you. I'm gonna do everything to make you trust me again.

me: Okay...

The nurse is ready and puts the machine on. "Now I have to sit here for the next two hours. And I guess Suga is planning on staying here with me." Suga takes a chair next to me and sits down and stares me.

me: The hair isn't just gonna fall off if you're thinking of that.

Suga: I wasn't.

He still keeps staring at me.

me: Okay, that's irritating. Stop staring.

He looks away. I see the old man from the smoking area and I wave at him. He waves back and smiles.

me: So you get this too.

man: Yes. Second round already.

I smile lightly.

me: This is my first time.

man: Well, good luck.

Then the silence descends into the room. The only thing you can hear is the machines. Finally, Suga speaks.

Suga: Do you wanna talk about something? Or play something?

me: I'm fine... You don't need to be here.

Suga: But I want to be. So do you wanna play?

He has a card deck in his hands. I shrug my shoulders and starts to share the cards. "I guess I can spend the hours like this as well."

6 hours later, 18:00

I feel terrible. I feel like puking but nothing comes out. This is horrible. I didn't know this feeling can come this quick. Apparently, it can. I wanna go to sleep or anywhere else where I don't have to feel like this. I'm laying on my bed waiting for this feeling to go away. Suga left already. He needed to go do some school stuff. Hoseok came to see me quickly before his dance practice. He tried to hide it but I could see it clearly, he wasn't happy. I wish he could be happy. I wish that to all of them could. Well, tomorrow I get to go back home and maybe things can go back to normal... Well as normal as it can be now. Others didn't come today. I heard from Hoseok that Luca was staying at their house. I guess dad hasn't been home lately. I wish he would be okay. He still has Luca that he has to look after. I feel bad for him. He has lost his wife and soon he's gonna lose his only daughter. I don't know if I could deal with something like that either but he has to. He has to work it out somehow because he needs to be a father to his son. Luca will need his father. I wish I could go back... I don't know when... My life has never been good... Maybe when I was small but then I wouldn't have Luca. Maybe before mom died. No. I don't wanna go through that again, maybe last autumn. I wasn't happy but at least others were. Maybe if I would've gone to the doctor earlier cancer wouldn't have spread this far. Maybe I could live longer... Maybe...

Time skip 2 am

I wake up sweating and screaming again. I had that nightmare again. I hate it. It's too real. The nurse comes running to me.

nurse: Are you okay?

me: Yeah... Just a bad dream...

I get up and go to the bathroom. I know it'll come. I'll feel them again. I lock the door and I sit on the floor. I have scissors with me. They aren't that sharp but it's actually better that way. It hurts more. Soon I feel the first touch. It feels disgusting. My heartbeat is elevating and my breathing is unsteady. Tears are coming to my eyes. I cut where I feel them touching. It hurts and I scream a bit. They don't go away. I cut again and again but they don't stop it. Somewhere far I hear someone knocking on the door and yelling something. They can't help. No one can. I'm disgusting. I've always been and I always will. I guess somehow this cancer is a good thing. Soon I'll be dead and I don't have to feel like this again.

Nobody's POV

Suga comes to the hospital because the staff called him. He walks to Sara's room. Nurses and security guards are knocking on the door trying to get Sara open the door.

Suga: She won't open it until she is herself again and it can take for a while. You need to break it down.

Sara is screaming in the bathroom. They knock the door down and go in. Sara has scissors in her hand and she is cutting herself again and again. No one can get close to her because she is waving with the scissors. Suga goes in.

Suga: Sara... They can't hurt you anymore. They aren't real.

Sara is still screaming and crying. Suga walks to her and grabs her hands. He gets a small cut in his finger but it's not deep and Sara drops the scissors. Suga hugs her tight.

Suga: They can't hurt you...

The nurses and guard come to her. Some nurse gives Sara sedative and she calms down. They carry her to the bed and start to care for her wounds.

Time skip, next morning 12 am

Sara's POV

I wake up in a scream. It comes from some other room. I'm hurting all over and I can feel my pulse all over my body. I see that Suga has left. I can't really remember what happened last night but I remember Suga being there. The doctor comes to my room.

doc: Hi Sara. So... I heard about last night. And I'm afraid that I don't feel confident enough discharging you.

me: What the fuck? You said that if everything goes well with the treatment that I get to go home today.

doc: Yes I remember but you aren't capable of looking after yourself.

me: I can go home to dads.

doc: Yes I asked your dad about this already and he said that he can't look after you himself. If you have any other relatives who could help you I'm happy to discharge you to their care. But otherwise, you are staying here.

"Fuck! I don't wanna stay here any longer. I'm sick of this place. I could discharge myself against their advice but I know he is right. I can't even lift my arms properly so how could I live by myself. I know I could ask others for help but they have enough with Luca. And they should be concentrating on their studies especially Jin. He is graduating this summer so he doesn't need another child in his house. But I want out of here." Suga comes in the room with a wheelchair to take me to chemo. It's sweat that he is in there but I feel like he's bored all the time and I need to entertain him. It's exhausting.

Time skip

I'm laying on my bed when the nurse comes in with another bed.

me: What are you doing?

nurse: You are getting a roommate.

me: What? Why?

nurse: Because this is room for two and we can't keep it just for you.

Then I see a girl in the doorway. She looks young maybe 15 years old. She goes to the bed and starts to unpack her stuff. Suddenly the whole room is full of people. "I guess this is her family..." I get up and try to sneak out of the room but the nurse sees it.

nurse: Sara. Back to bed. You are not allowed to walk and you know it. Not after last night. Your wounds aren't healed yet.

"Fuck you." I get back to my bed. "I guess I can't escape from this. Luckily visiting hours are almost over."

nurse: So... Sara this is your new roommate Alice. Alice this is Sara. She may look scary but she is actually pretty nice.

I roll my eyes for the nurse and he leaves the room. I took my book and I start to read it but then someone sits on my bed.

?: I'm so glad that Alice got a roommate. I thought she would be here all day long by herself. She is so shy so she doesn't have that many friends. And after the diagnosis, she got even shyer. We were so scared about her diagnosis at first but now we are concentrating on getting better. She's still so young and she has so many things to do.

She's going on and on. "So I guess she is her mom." Finally, the clock comes to five and the nurse comes to evict them out.

?: Oh I'm so sorry I didn't introduce myself. I'm Susan, Alice's mom.

me: Nice to meet you.

Finally, they all have left and I can get back to my book. I read awhile but when I lift my head up I see Alice staring at the ceiling.

me: There are 7 cracks in total if you were wondering.

She flinches a bit when she hears me talking.

Alice: Oh, okay...

me: So... Were they all your family?

Alice: Yeah...

me: Nice.

Alice: Maybe... Sorry about mom. She likes talking.

me: Yeah... At least she cares about you.

Alice: I guess.

me: I wish my mom would be like that.

Alice: What's your mom like then?

me: Dead.

Alice: Oh, sorry.

me: Don't be.

Alice: Can I ask how?

me: Cancer.

Alice: Oh...

me: So which cancer you have?

Alice: Leukemia. How did you know?

me: Yor mom. She kept talking about your diagnosis. My dad couldn't say cancer either when mom was sick.

Alice: Oh... What do you have?

me: Same as my mom. Breast cancer.

Alice: Oh...

me: So... Was your whole family here?

Alice: No. My brother Adam is in Irak.

me: Okay.

Alice: He's solider. He's been there for three years now.

me: So you haven't seen him in three years?

Alice: Yep. But it's okay... We facetime all the time. And write.

me: Okay. So do you have other siblings?

Alice: Yeah. Two little brothers. They are five now.

me: Oh, that's nice.

Alice: I guess.

me: And your dad?

Alice: He was here too but you probably didn't notice him because he is opposite of mom. He doesn't speak at all.

me: Oh the one who spoke in sign language?

Alice: Yes. He is deaf so he doesn't speak.

me: Okay.

Alice: How do you know sign language?

me: I study it in uni and my brother was born deaf so I wanted to learn it back then. He can hear now tho.

Alice: Oh.

We talk a little while longer but it's almost eight and she starts to yawn so I let her go to sleep.

Time skip, around midnight

I hear Alice sobbing in her bed. I get up and walk to her.

me: What's wrong?

Alice: I'm fine... I'm sorry if I woke you.

me: I don't really sleep... Is everything okay?

Alice: Yeah...

She is still crying. I sit beside her on her bed. I stroke her hands.

Alice: I'm sorry...

me: Don't be...

She looks scared. I lightly stroke her head. She calms a bit but is still crying. Gradually she falls asleep. I gently lift her hair off her face. I walk back to my bed. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to feel them on my skin. I know it doesn't always happen but I don't want to take that risk. Not now.

Time skip

I'm sitting in the treatment room with Alice and the old man. Alice is fine again. I think she was just scared last night. The nurse comes to put the needle in my hand again. This is the part I hate most in this. I can take the sick feeling but I hate that needle.

man: So where is your boyfriend? Is he coming here today?

me: I don't have a boyfriend and why would I know where he is.

man: Are you sure he's not your boyfriend?

And just then Suga comes in.

man: Speak of the devil.

Suga looks at him confused but walks towards me. He takes the chair again and sits next to me. Then he gives me his bag.

me: What's this?

Suga: Eat.

I look inside the bag. There's lots of food and candy.

me: You really want me to throw up?

Suga: The nurses told me that you aren't eating so I brought you food. Now eat.

me: I don't need it.

I give the bag back to him. He takes a grape box from there, opens it and puts a grape in my mouth.

Suga: Chew.

I roll my eyes and I start to chew.

man: Not a boyfriend my ass.

I glare at him and I hear Alice giggling next to me.

man: Can you please keep the flirting in a minimum I'm gonna puke just because of you two.

I roll my eyes. Suga puts another grape in my mouth.

me: I can eat by myself.

I take the box from him to eat myself.

Time skip, next morning

Today morning was the first time I had a lot of hair on my pillow. It's starting to fall off. I'm in the bathroom brushing my hair. It's depressing. I just tie my hair up so it can't be noticed so easily. The doctor is in our room talking to Alice. He notices me when I come out of the bathroom.

doc: Ah Sara. I needed to talk to you.

me: Yeah?

doc: One of your friends said that you could move in with them and I would be happy to discharge you under their care. But only after you have slept in here at least 6 hours a day for a week.

me: What? Who? Why?

doc: I believed it was Jin that said that.

"Fuck. How did he find out? He can't look after me. He has too much to do. But on the other hand, I'm never gonna sleep 6 hours a day for a week so there's no need to worry about getting discharged."

me: You know I can't sleep.

doc: No I know that you don't want to sleep. There's a difference.

me: To me not so much.

doc: Well that's my condition for your discharge.

He leaves. "And he knows I'm gonna have another one of those episodes... And how did Jin hear about me needing someplace to stay?" I wake up from my thoughts when Alice talks.

Alice: So you are getting out?

me: Not anytime soon.

Alice: What do you mean?

me: I don't sleep.

Alice: Why?

me: It's a long story...

I don't wanna tell Alice about my episodes. She doesn't have to know. Soon is time for the treatment so I go for a walk before that. I walk outside. It's already spring out here. I walk to the "park". It's only a little garden in the hospital yard but there's a bench and I go sit on it. It's little chilly but I don't care. It's been so long since I was last time outside. Suddenly someone puts a jacket on my shoulders.

?: You should be careful. What if you catch a cold. It's not good especially when you are getting chemo.

me: Yes mom.

?: I'm serious Sara.

me: Okay okay... So why are you here Hoseok?

Hoseok: I came to see you.

me: Okay.

He's sitting next to me. I can feel that something is wrong with him.

me: Are you okay?

Hoseok: Yes, why?

me: I just... You don't seem fine.

Hoseok: I am.

me: Okay.

"I guess he tells me when he's ready."

Hoseok: We should go in. Your chemo starts soon.

me: Yeah... Soon.

I close my eyes and breathe deeply. I love spring. Then I get up and we walk inside to the hospital. Today is the last chemo for the next two weeks.

Time skip

My chemo was over and for the first time, I wasn't feeling sick. I think it was because of the new drug that they gave me. Suga was int he chemo with Hoseok but he already left. I'm walking towards my room with Hoseok. I take Hoseok's hand and instead of the room, I started to walk to outside.

Hoseok: Sara where are we going?

me: It's a secret.

Hoseok: Can you leave the hospital?

me: I guess we are going to find out.

We walk around the city. I'm still holding Hoseoks hand. Then we enter a shop. It's a hairdresser.

Hoseok: What are we doing here?

me: What do you think?

Hoseok: Seriously? You can't.

me: Why? It's already falling so why not shave it all?

Hoseok: Sara... It's just... It makes it real.

me: I know... But it is real and I can't escape it. And neither can you.

He looks sad. The hairdresser shows me the chair and I sit down.

hairdresser: So Sara. Do you want to dye it black again?

me: No. Shave it off Hannah.

Hannah: Really?

me: Yeah.

She looked a bit shocked but did what she was asked. Hoseok was looking at me terrified. I knew I had to do this with him. He needed to realize that I really have cancer. I know sometimes he can live in the clouds so he needed to be brought back to the ground. I saw tears forming in his eyes.

Hoseok: Can I?

Hannah gave the machine to Hoseok. He stated gently shave my head. I watched the hair fall off. There were tears in my eyes too. I was scared. This was a big step for me. Soon my whole head was shaved. Hoseok gave the machine back to Hannah who finished it. I watched my bold head and a tear fall to my cheek.

me: This was supposed to be fun.

Hoseok just nods. He sits next to me and watches me throw the mirror. I wipe his tears and smile at him.

me: Let's go have some fun!

I pay and we leave the hairdresser.

Hoseok: Are you sure you don't want a wig?

me: Yes I am. Why? Are you ashamed of me?

He takes my hand.

Hoseok: Never.

We walk through the city. It's pretty. Everything is coming alive. "I never noticed how beautiful spring actually is." I notice my phone buzzing. I see that Suga is calling me. I know what he wants to ask and right now I couldn't care less what he thinks is best for me so I turn the phone off. "Today is Hoseok's day." I smile at him and I tighten the grip of his hand. There's a carnival in the town and I decided to take Hoseok there. "He needs to have fun after the hairdresser." We walk around the carnival. There's a lot of beautiful lights. A lot of laughter. A lot of happiness. "This is what I need right now. To forget cancers existence and just have fun with Hoseok. We haven't really spent time together after I moved here. So it's about time."

Time skip around 8 pm

We are walking back to the hospital. We are laughing at some stupid joke that isn't even that funny. I have cotton-candy in my other hand and on the other hand, I have a huge Coca-Cola drink. When we enter the building I almost fell off because I'm laughing so hard. Hoseok helps me up and takes a wheelchair and puts me in it. He is still joking around. We go to the elevator to go to the oncology ward. When the elevators doors open and I hear Sugas voice I know he's not in a good mood. Hoseok pushes me out of the elevator. Everyone is looking at us.

Suga: Where the hell have you been?! Why didn't you answer my calls?

me: Around the city.

Hoseok pushes me to the room and helps me to the bed.

Suga: You know it's not safe for you to go outside especially when it's this cold! What if you get sick? It can be very serious for you! And you! Why did you let her go out?! You should have stopped her!

Hoseok: Hey, she wanted to go so what I was supposed to do! Tackle her and tie up in her bed?

Suga: Maybe! She doesn't even have a jacket on. If she gets sick that's on you!

me: Hey! Hoseok did nothing wrong! I went out because I have been inside this hospital for too long and I felt like I was about to strangle myself! And I had the best time that I have had in years! So back off!

Everyone looks at me in shock.

me: If you don't have anything else to do than whine and yell to others you can leave.

I turn my head away from him. I know what I said was too much. He was only concerned about me but I don't need him to be. I'm an adult and I can take care of myself. Sometimes it just feels that he is here to babysit me. I hear him leave. I know he got hurt but right now I couldn't care less. He can't ruin my day.

Jin: That was a bit too much.

me: I know... But I don't need a babysitter. I need a friend.

Namjoon: He's just worried.

me: I know... I know...

Namjoon: You should have seen him yelling to the nurses because they let you leave.

Jimin: Yep. He was red as a tomato.

I could imagine it.

me: So I guess the nurses are gonna hate me even more now...

I turn to look at them and I see that they look serious.

me: And I guess you hate me too...

Jin: We don't hate you... But we do hate that you make us worried all the time. You should have told us... Or Hoseok... if you would have just told us that you were out just having fun it would have been fine. Next time just tell us where you are going, okay? Suga was about to call the police. He was sure that you had left again as you did six months ago.

me: Sorry...

Jimin: That bold suits you by the way.

We all laugh. "I guess they are right, I should have told them where I was."

Time skip, later that night

The nurses drove everyone away because it was already so late. Alice and I were talking still.

Alice: Why are all of your friends so hot?

me: Hey you are only what, 15?

Alice: Actually almost 17. And so?

me: They are all over 20.

Alice: I wouldn't mind.

me: And Jin, Namjoon, and Jungkook are dating.

Alice: Well still three left.

me: Four.

Alice: No. Suga is yours.

I glare at her and she starts to giggle.

me: You were supposed to be shy.

Alice: Yeah, well... Appearances can be deceiving.

me: In your case definitely.

She laughs. I feel a bit tired after the day I had.

Alice: But seriously... How do you get that hot friends?

me: I don't know. They just came along one day. I guess you need to be a freak like me so that they can take care of you and feel import... *Fell asleep.*

Time skip, Two weeks later

I have chemo week again. I hate these. And most of all I hate living in the hospital. I've had 7 "episodes" while I've been here but only the first one was noticed. Well, I think the nurses know about the other ones too because they have seen my arms but they haven't said anything about them. I wish I could get better soon... No, actually I wish I would die soon. No more pain or any other feelings. Just peace. I want peace. I want to sleep without the nightmares. I wake up from my thoughts when I feel something touching me.

Ashley: Are you okay?

me: Hm?

Ashley: Do you sleep your eyes open nowadays?

me: Ash!

I hug her tightly and she hugs me back. It's been a while since I saw her last time. She has been in L.A. And hasn't visited me.

me: When did you get back?

Ashley: Yesterday. Sorry I couldn't make it until today.

me: I'm sure Jungkook had you busy.

She blushes a bit. "So innocent."

Ashley: So... You need to tell me everything that's happened while I was gone.

me: Nothing really. I've been kept here against my will.

I say it purposely louder so that my doctor who was outside of the room could hear it.

Ashley: C'mon... You know you could leave if you wanted to.

me: Maybe. I hate it when someone else is right and I'm wrong. I know I could move with others but I don't wanna burden them and I can't move back to my place because I still can't do like housework or any other shit that you are supposed to do in your home.

Ashley: Yeah... I would offer you to move in with me but my roommate wouldn't like that...

me: Yeah... And I wouldn't want to burden you either.

Ashley: So... What about you and Suga?

me: What about it?

Ashley: Have you made up yet?

me: It only happened last night...

Ashley: Oh? What happened last night?

me: Oh you weren't talking about it... So I guess you and Jungkook didn't really talk then...? *wink*

Ashley: *blushing so hard* What happened yesterday?

me: We fought again...

Ashley: About?

me: I went out to have fun with Hoseok and I didn't inform him.

Ashley: Okay..? Why did you fight about that?

me: I don't know... I just said something stupid and I think he got his feelings hurt...

Ashley: Oh, okay... But I need to go. I promised to mom that I would go there for dinner.

me: Already? You didn't even get to tell me how you have been doing...

Ashley: I know... I'm sorry but I will check with you later. I'll come tomorrow if I have time.

me: Okay... But it was nice to see you.

We hug again and then she leaves. Alice gets back to the room. I think she had a psychologist or something. She looks sad.

me: Are you okay?

Alice: Yeah... I just had a family session today...

me: Is that like therapy for the whole family?

Alice: Yes.

me: Oh... How did it go?

Alice: Same as always. Mom ends up crying, dad just sits there silent, my brother isn't there, and twins are just fighting over something stupid.

me: Oh... I'm sorry.

Alice: Yeah, well... When you have cancer it's about them, right?

me: I guess...

Alice: It's always about them. They feel sad, they are the ones that are suffering, and most importantly they're the ones that lose something, right? What about me? What about how I feel or what I lose? If I get better, how do I get the time back that I've lost living in the hospital doing the treatments that are just gonna make my life miserable? What about that? Why is it about them when they aren't even doing the fucking treatments that makes you want to puke all the time, lose your hair and takes your appetite but still they feed you because otherwise, you'll end up starving to death. Why?

I see from her eyes that she really means everything she says. Her eyes are tearing up.

me: I don't know. I really don't.

Alice: I just... I just want... it to be sometimes about me. It's never been about me. It's always been about them and their feelings. Why can't it be about me? Why do I need to make them feel better? Why can't I be broken and sad? Why can't I be sad and... jealous? Because I am. I'm jealous of every other kid of my age. They have a normal life. They are going to school and having bad relationships that are supposed to end badly. They have heartbreaks and more than that they have happiness. I haven't been happy ever. You know this is the second time I have cancer. It renewed. When I was 5 years old I had it the first time. When others went to school I went to the hospital. And I have never been in a normal school. I have been homeschooled my whole life.

I have no idea what to say. I feel sad for her but I know I wouldn't want it in her situation.

Alice: I actually knew that it had got back. I knew the signs but I didn't want to tell mom. I didn't want it to start all over again. I hoped that I would die before they would see it. Before they would make me go to chemo just because it's"good for me". "I'll get better." Fuck it. I won't. You can't beat leukemia twice. And they know it and I know it. Why can't they just accept that I will die?

me: You don't know that.

Alice: I know. I've seen the odds.

me: What are your odds?

Alice: They said that with this type of leukemia I have maybe a 20% chance of surviving.

me: Okay...

Alice: I just... I want them to notice that this is not about them. I am the one with cancer, not them.

me: Yeah...

Then we just sit there in silence staring at somewhere far away. "I'm tired too. I'm tired of making them feel that I'm okay. I'm not. I'm a wreck. I've always been but now, I'm even more."


	9. chapter 9

Next morning

I didn't get any sleep. I was just thinking about everything. Alice slept well, well I think she did because she wasn't crying last night. "I'm already used to not sleeping at night. I haven't slept since I don't know... 12? I guess they really got in my head... No, don't think about them. It's only making it worse." I get up from the bed. It's only 6 am and most of the patients are still sleeping. I walk around the hallways because I'm bored. It's so quiet. Only a few people are awake. I walk to the cafeteria to buy some coffee. I get my order and walk to a table and sit down. There are some old magazines and I take one. I start to browse it.

?: Can I join you?

I startled a bit. I look up and I see the old man. "I still have no idea what his name is."

me: Hm? Oh sure.

man: So... What were you reading?

me: Nothing really. I found this old magazine...

man: Okay... You don't sleep long in the mornings either?

me: Yeah...

man: I'm Matias by the way.

me: Oh... Sara... So where are you from?

Matias: Finland but I moved here 30 years ago.

me: Oh...

Matias: What about you?

me: China and Korea.

Matias: Okay... ... You aren't that talkative today?

me: Not really...

Matias: Okay. Well, I'll go then.

me: No need...

Matias: It's okay... I have the tests soon anyway. I'll see you around.

He smiles at me and then leaves. I don't know why but today I just don't feel like talking with anyone. "I could've been friendlier to him..." I sit a while longer in the table reading the magazine. Then I get up and put away the magazine. I take my coffee with me and I start to walk towards my room. It's still quiet. When I get to the room I feel like something is off. I look at Alice's bed but she isn't in it. "I think she is in the bathroom." I knock on the door but nobody answers. I knock again a bit harder. Still no answer. I try the door, it's not locked. I go in. I see Alice laying on the floor covered in blood.

me: HELP!

I go to her to see where the blood is coming and if she is still alive. Luckily she's still breathing. Then I see the scissors that I hid from the nurses. They took everything sharp that Alice and I had so that couldn't harm myself but I hide those scissors from them. "Fuck! How did she found those?" The nurses come running in the bathroom. I lift Alice's hand up. One nurse ties her wrists so that the bleeding would end. They lift her up and carries her to her bed. One nurse takes me out of the room while they take care of her. "I had no idea that she would do that... If I've known I wouldn't have kept the scissors or I would have hidden them better." After a while, she's conscious again. Her wrists are wrapped in a thick bandage. She is sitting on her bed in a fetal position. Her face is buried in her knees. They finally allow me to go back to the room. I sit on my bed and I look at her. She lifts her head a bit and I can see her reddish and swollen eyes. She looks at me directly in the eyes but then looks away. She gets up and walks to the window.

Alice: Why couldn't you just leave me there? You knew I wanted to die.

me: Because... You wouldn't have died from those wounds. Those were too shallow and wrong way done. If you would've wanted to kill yourself you would've had to cut deeper and along your forearm.

nurse: Sara!

me: What? You know I'm right Jacob. She wouldn't have died from those wounds.

nurse Jacob: Sara. You don't need to tell her that.

me: Why? Because she might do it again? No, she won't.

nurse Jacob: How do you know?

me: She can't take the pain... And...

I look at Alice.

me: And she doesn't have the courage to do it again because she doesn't want to hurt her family...

Alice looks away again. I know I'm right. She tired it but then she couldn't do it. I know because I tried it. Jacob leaves the room and me and Alice are alone now.

me: You know they called your parents, right?

She doesn't answer.

me: You shouldn't do that... Even though you feel horrible and you want out of here, you shouldn't do that. I know you feel awful now but believe me, there's always someone who feels even worse...

Alice: Like you?

me: No... I'm not saying that... I have no idea how you feel and I don't want to. I'm just saying that there is a person who feels even worse than you and she/he haven't given up yet.

Alice: Maybe...

me: Killing yourself doesn't solve anything... You are just gonna take that last hope, that your family has, away. You still have 20% and that's better than none. You should try for your family... They need you. And even though you don't make it, they need the time... They need time so you should give that to them because it might be the last gift that you can give.

?: You should listen to her.

I look to the doorway and I see Alice's mom Susan and dad standing in there. She walks to Alice's bed. I have no idea how long she had been standing there but I guess she heard some of what I said.

?: You should listen to your own wors too.

I now realize that Suga was standing in the doorway too.

Susan: What do you mean?

Suga comes to my bed and rolls my sleeves up. She can see all the scars. I quickly roll back my sleeves down.

me: You know this is different.

I glare at Suga.

Susan: How?

Before I can answer Suga opens his mouth.

Suga: Because she doesn't want to kill herself she just cuts herself every day to make her forget what happened to her when she was 12.

Susan: Oh... What happened?

Before Suga gets to tell her I interrupt him.

me: Nothing... Nothing happened.

I give Suga a deathly glare. "You really are telling everyone?"

Alice and her mom started to talk so I left the room. "It's none of my business..." Suga came after me.

me: You were gonna tell her?

He doesn't answer.

me: Seriously?!

I stop and look him in the eyes.

me: You were really gonna tell her! What the fuck is wrong with you?! Can't you just... Leave me alone!

I walk away. He follows me.

me: I SAID LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!

He stops and I walk away. "He's unbelievable."

I walk around the hospital. It's pretty peaceful. There are people around but because visiting hours start at 12 there are no family members in here. Well, it's almost 12 so I decided to walk towards the treatment room. The nurse is there and she's surprised to see me this early. Usually, I'm late.

nurse: How are you here already?

me: I got kicked out of my room.

It wasn't exactly true but I didn't want to talk to anyone now. I go sit on my usual spot. Alice and Matias aren't here yet and I don't know if they are actually coming today. Then I see Suga standing in the doorway. I ignore him. The nurse comes to connect me in the machine so I can't even leave the room anymore. Suga comes to sit next to me.

Suga: Sara... I'm sorry... I wasn't thinking.

I don't wanna answer to him. I don't know why but I wasn't actually mad at him. I just wanted him to suffer a while. And he didn't technically say anything so...

Suga: Sara... Please talk to me... Yell at me anything. I hate it when you don't talk to me.

me: Can you leave?

Suga: No. Not until you talk to me.

I inhale deeply.

me: I just... You never think before you open your mouth. You always say what comes to your mind and usually, I like it. I like that you are direct and even blunt sometimes but... But there's a time when you can't just say what's on your mind, you have to think before you talk.

Suga: I'm sorry...

This apologetic Suga is getting on my nerves already. He's never been the one who apologizes. "Why has he been like this lately?" I roll my eyes and lean back. I close my eyes. I can feel my heart beating. Every breath I take It gets a little bit faster. I know what this means.

me: I need to go to the bathroom.

The nurse comes and takes everything off. I quickly walk to the bathroom. I lock the door. I have nothing sharp with me. "Fuck not now!" It's too late, the feeling takes control. I'm shaking and tears are falling down on my cheeks. I try to be as quiet as I can but I can't help it. I can feel them on my skin again. "Why can't they just leave me alone?!" Every touch makes me feel even worse." I know that soon I will lose every control over my body and mind. Now I feel them inside me.

Yoongi's POV

When Sara suddenly wants to go to the bathroom I get anxious. "Maybe it's nothing..." Then I hear quiet weeping in the bathroom. "No Sara." I walk to the door and I knock but she doesn't open. Then she screams.

Suga: Open this door, Sara.

The nurse comes to the door too. Everyone is looking at us.

nurse: Sara is everything okay?

Sara: GET OFF...GET OFF! _mom..._

Suga: Sara...

The nurse calls security but they are busy in the psych ward.

Suga: C'mon there has to be someone who can help! I'm gonna kick this door in if no one does anything before that.

The nurse starts calling everyone. I can hear Sara screaming and moaning in pain. "Someone help her! I'm sorry Sara... I wish I could take that pain." It feels like an eternity but finally, the security guards come with the janitor. They start to dismantle the door. It takes forever but finally, they got it off. I run to Sara. She is sitting on the ground shaking and crying and hitting her head to the wall. She is looking ahead with glazed eyes. Tears are just falling on her cheeks. I try to stop her hitting her head but she pushes me away.

Suga: Saraa...

I go sit next to her. I take her hands on mine. the nurses and security guards try to take her but I stop them.

Suga: She'll be fine. Just give her a minute.

They step out of the bathroom and I stay next to Sara. She isn't shaking anymore but I still see tears falling and her head still bangs the wall. I take her head between my hands.

Suga: Don't.

She looks at me terror in her eyes. Her gaze is empty. Like she is looking at you but she is actually looking through you. It's terrifying. "How can someone be this broke and hurt? The world is so cruel..." She puts her head on my lap and I gently stroke her hair.

Sara: Mom... It hurts...

A tear falls from my eye too. "How can someone be this disgusting? Do that to a young girl!" She closes her eyes. "I really want to help you. I want to take that pain away." I take her into my arms and I get up. I walk out of the bathroom. They have a bed already ready for her. I put her down but she grabs my hand and looks at me in the eye terrified. I try to take her hands off but her grip is very strong.

Suga: Sara... You are safe now.

She doesn't let go. Just keeps looking at me. I sit on the bed.

Suga: Sara...

nurse: Just get on the bed next to her. We need to take her out of here.

I do as she said. I go lay next to her. She buries her head to my chest. I hug her tightly. "I'm never leaving you even if you don't want me here." They push the bed to her room. I lift her to her own bed and I go lay beside her. "You'll never be alone. I promise."

Time skip

Sara's POV

I wake up and my head feels dizzy. I look over to Alice's bed. She is looking at me scared.

me: I hope I don't look as bad as your face let me assume.

Alice comes closer to me.

Alice: What was it? Why? How? What..?

me: I have no idea what you are trying to ask.

Alice: What..?

me: It was just an episode. I used to have those every day but lately, I haven't been really sleeping so I haven't had them either.

Alice: But why? Why do you have those? Why were you screaming?

me: They didn't tell you?

She shakes her head.

me: Well, I guess first time for everything... I... I have those because something happened to me when I was little...

I really didn't want to explain more and I think she got it because she didn't ask any more questions. I am so tired but I'm afraid to sleep. This was the first time when it didn't stop because I cut or because I passed out. This time I felt it all again. And I hate this feeling. Like I was dirty. Not on the outside but from the inside. I want to puke and drink chlorite at the same time. I hate that they still can do this to me. I just wanted to forget that it ever happened. I close my eyes. I know Suga called dad but I also know that dads not gonna care. Not because he's not a good dad but because he's too afraid. He's afraid to love again. I was already hoping he was getting better but instead he's worse now. This cancer really didn't help. Who's gonna take care of them now? I hear someone coming to the room and sitting next to me but don't care. Right now all I care about is Luca. Everything and everyone else is indifferent. They don't matter. Nothing matters. "I should sleep." A yawn comes out of my mouth. "I'm really tired." The last thing I feel is someone stroking my hair.

Time skip

When I wake up it's dark. I must have slept for almost 10 hours. I look at the time and it's almost 11 pm. Alice is sleeping and it's very quiet. I get up and walk to the doorway. The nurse notices me.

nurse: You should go back to sleep.

me: I'm not tired.

She goes to the nurses' station. She says something to the doctor and they both look at me. The doctor walks to me.

doc: You should go back to bed.

me: I'm not tired.

I was a bit annoyed. I've never liked when people tell me to do things.

doc: I was gonna talk with you about this later but I guess we can talk now.

He guides me to the couch. I sit down.

me: Yeah?

doc: I think you should see a psychiatrist...

me: No.

I get up from the couch and I was just about to walk away when he talked again.

doc: Sara, please hear me out.

I sit back but I really don't wanna hear what he has to say.

doc: Sara. That's not normal. I saw from your medical records that you have seen a psychiatrist before and I think well, from what I read and saw it's gone worse from what you had then. I think it would help if you would talk with someone.

me: It doesn't. I'm fine.

doc: I'm sorry but you're not fine. Quite opposite. ... Can I ask what causes them?

me: You can ask but I don't have to answer.

I was irritated of the conversation. It's none of their business.

doc: Sara. I'm gonna make you an appointment for tomorrow and I seriously suggest that you go there.

He leaves the room. I don't want this. I want to leave. This time I want to go somewhere where they can't find me. But if I leave... I'll die. And if I stay I have a 30% chance that I'll survive but only if the treatment works. I hate this. I hate that I am dependent on others. "I WANT OUT!" My breathing is shallow and my heart is beating fast. "I need to get out." I walk as quickly as I can outside. I breathe as deeply as I can. It's getting better slowly. I walk to the park again and I sit on the bench. "What if I try it? No. It didn't help then so why would it help now? On the other hand, I can't know unless you try, right?" I look up and I see the dim stars. "I miss you, mom. I need you. I can't take this anymore... What am I going to do?" A tear falls on my cheek. I get up and start to walk back inside.

Time skip

It's almost 8 am. I'm just sitting on the bed. I didn't get any sleep after I got back to bed so I've been reading the whole night.

?: Can I come in?

I look up and I see Ashley in the doorway.

me: Hey, what are you doing here?

Ashley: Well I promised to come yesterday but when I came you were sleeping...

me: So you know what happened..?

Ashley: Yeah...

I get up from the bed. I need some fresh air. The hospital air gets harder to breathe every day.

me: Let's go out.

We walk in silence to the park. We sit on the bench. I close my eyes. The air is so fresh and cold. It's a little bit chilly but I don't care. I can't go back in. Not yet.

Ashley: Sara... Are you okay?

me: Yeah... I'm fine.

I still have my eyes closed.

Ashley: Okay...

We sit awhile in silence but I can feel that Ashley is getting a little bit restless. I open my eyes.

me: So... How's school?

Ashley: The same... It's just boring because you aren't there.

I laughed.

me: Yeah, right...

Ashley: So... Anything I need to know..?

me: What about?

Ashley: Anything.

me: I don't know... I guess not.

Ashley: What about you and Suga?

me: Yeah... What about us?

Ashley: Is saw Suga yesterday sitting on your bed stroking your hair...

me: I don't know about that. I was asleep...

Ashley: Yeah... But is he still angry? Or did you make up?

me: I don't know...

Ashley: Why is it so hard for you two?

me: I don't know...

Ashley: At Christmas, I thought you would already get over your whatever it was. You two would be so perfect together...

me: I don't know...

Ashley: You would. Why... Like what's the problem?

me: I... I love him. So much. ... But I can't trust him...

Ashley: Oh...

me: I want to... But it just isn't that easy. I love him. I really do. And it's so hard to be away from him but... It's not fair...

Ashley: What do you mean?

me: Well first of all cancer... And then if I can't trust him and he has to always convince me that he can be trusted... It's just not fair for him...

Ashley: Yeah...

me: It's just not possible for us... Even if I could trust him... I can die any day...

Ashley: Don't talk like that.

me: But it's true...

Ashley: But still... Don't.

me: Whatever. There's no guarantee that the treatments even work so why would I start something that has no future..? He would only watch me die and I don't want that.

Ashley: But have you thought about this on his point of view?

me: Like how?

Ashley: This can be his last chance to be with you and no matter how short I'm sure he would want to take it. I would if Jungkook would be in your situation. I would want to spend every second that you may have left with you.

me: Hm...

Ashley: Just don't make decisions for him. He is capable of making them on his own and you don't know what he wants or needs. So just... Just ask him... Okay?

me: Yeah... Can we change the subject?

Ashley: Sure. What do you wanna talk about?

me: I don't know... What about you and JK? How are things?

Ashley: We are good...

me: That wasn't convincing.

Ashley: No, we are fine. It's just that my family situation is so different from his and I feel like he doesn't get that I need to help them out.

me: How?

Ashley: Oh right, I haven't told you... When I was in LA my sister moved to Spain with her husband and that's actually why I came back this soon... I need to help mom out now.

me: Oh... What about your brother doesn't he live with your mom?

Ashley: Yeah, but it's not the same... After dad died and his last assignment to Afganistan, he hasn't been the same...

me: Oh...

Ashley: Jungkook just doesn't get why I can't just hire someone to help mom.

me: Oh. Is she getting worse?

Ashley: Yeah... She can still talk but walking is really difficult and she has a wheelchair now.

me: Isn't there like operations for Parkinson's disease?

Ashley: Yeah but mom doesn't want it. And there's no guarantee that it would help...

me: Why doesn't JK understand that you want to help your mom out and especially because she is dying?

Ashley: I think he doesn't quite get how serious her illness is or he just can't deal with it. He was devastated when you got your diagnosis and after it, he has just been ignoring everything that has anything to do with death.

me: Oh..?

Ashley: I don't know whats with him but he's not the same anymore.

me: Why is everything so fucked up around us?

We both laugh even though it's not funny. We both fell into our own thoughts. We sat on the bench almost for an hour before we walk back inside the hospital. We walk straight to my room. I see that Alice is woken up because she isn't in the room. We talk for a while with Ashley but it's almost ten and she has to leave for school. I kinda envy her. She gets to go to school and home. I want that too. But I cant. Not yet anyway. I look at the clock. I have the psych appointment at ten and it's five to ten. I have no idea if I should go. Why would I?

Time skip

?: So Sara... Why are you here?

I had actually no idea why I was there. I just had walked there without thinking about it. I was sitting in the psych's office.

me: I don't know...

psych: Wel... I talked a bit with your doctor and he told me a little about your history but I would actually like you to tell me about that.

me: I don't wanna talk about that.

psych: Well what would you like to talk about?

me: I don't know...

We sat there in silence for a while until she broke the silence.

psych: How are you?

me: I'm fine...

psych: No... How are you really?

I seriously didn't know. "How am I?" It has been so long when anyone has asked me that. Asked like they really wanted to know how I am. I'm not fine... I haven't been in a while but I have to be, for others. Dad... He hasn't been visiting me in a while. He always calls and tells me that he is coming but always happens something in work and he has to stay. And boys... They come every time they just can but I feel like they are here too much. Their school is important and they shouldn't waste their time on me. They bring Luca everytime they come which is nice. I love seeing him. He can always make me smile. But I feel like this whole situation is too much for him. Living with boys, me in a hospital... It's just not right... I should be the one looking after him. And Ashley... I can't tell her how I really feel... She couldn't handle it. She has so much with her own family so I can't burden her any more than I already have. So there's really no one I could tell or who could actually take it. Who wouldn't fall apart after hearing?

I feel tears falling down on my cheeks. I don't even try to stop them. I let them fall. Finally, I feel a little bit relieved. It's like someone has taken some of the weights off my shoulders.

Time skip

I'm late from chemo and from afar I can already see Suga waiting for me. I walk past him straight to my usual spot. The nurse comes to start the process. I can feel Sugas stare at me.

Suga: Are you okay?

me: I'm fine...

Suga: Have you cried? Your eyes are red.

me: No. I said I'm fine.

He still keeps staring at me. When the nurse is ready and leaves Suga sits beside me. I take his bag and I start to go through it. There are few books and I pick one of them. It some music book that I don't actually no anything about but I still decide to read it. For the next few hours, I read it and when the chemo ends I walk to my room not taking my look off the book even once. After another hour I finally finish the book and I take my eyes off it and look around. I finally realize all the people in the room. All the boys have come to see me and Alices family is in the room too. Lucas yelling finally woke me from my thoughts.

Luca: Sara look! Now I have all of them!

I had no idea what he was talking about but I was so happy to see him. Luca comes to sit next to me and starts to explain about something. He looks so happy and innocent. I look at his beautiful face. Suddenly I feel dizzy and tired. My eyes are so heavy that it hard to keep them open.

Yoongi's POV

I see Sara's face light up when Luca comes to the room. She looks so happy when she's with him. "Her smile is so beautiful." Suddenly her expression changes. She looks so weird. And then all the machines start to beep. Everything happens so quickly. All the doctors and nurses run to the room. They push us from the way out of the room. Everything is happening like in slow motion. And then her heartbeat shows in the monitor again. I run to her. She's still pretty out of everything but she is smiling. I take her hand into mine. She looks at me smiling.

Time skip

Sara's POV

The nurses and the doctor has been in the room once in a while taking tests and talking about everything. Finally, they have taken all the tests and they leave the room. Everyone is still here. I feel their gazes following my every movement. Luca is pretty out of everything and just keeps staring me. I lift him into my lap and I pull him closer and I bury his head to my chest.

me: *whispering* I'm sorry... I didn't mean to startle you.

I stroke his hair and I hear a small sniff. Lucas breathing gets steadier and I can feel how he is drifting to sleep. "I love this boy so, so much."

A few hours later almost everyone has left. Only Suga is still here. He sits on the couch staring at me.

me: Can you stop?

I look at him in the eyes and he just stares back. Then he gets up and walks to my bed. He sits and just stares.

me: Are you deaf?

Suga: Are you okay?

me: Yeah... I should ask you that. You look like you have lost your mind.

Suga tilts his head a little. He still is looking at me. It's getting pretty creepy.

Suga: So did they tell you why your heart stopped?

me: They don't know... It might have been because of the treatments or something else.

Suga: Why were you smiling?

me: What do you mean?

Suga: Before it happened you were smiling and... And after they brought you back you were smiling.

me: I don't know...

I turn my head away from him. I look out of the window. It's getting dark.

me: I was happy...

Suga: Hm?

me: I was happy for the first time in a long time... Like genuinely happy.

Suga: Oh... Why?

me: I don't know... I just... I felt like I didn't have to...

Suga: Didn't have to what?

me: Nothing...

He looks at me curiously.

me: I went to psych...

Suga: Why?

me: I don't know... The doctor recommended it... At first, I wasn't gonna go but then... I don't know... It felt good... To talk to someone who genuinely wanted to know how I am...

Suga: I do too...

me: No you don't. You ask but you don't want to know the truth. You just ask to make me think that you care about how I feel. But in reality, you just want me to say "Yeah, I'm fine just a little bit tired." And then you are happy, you don't have to comfort me or bring me up because after all, I'm just tired.

Suga: Sara...

me: That's all everyone does. No one really wants to know how I am. And I don't even want to tell you. I don't want to tell you how fucked up my mind is because it would destroy you. You couldn't handle it. If I barely can, how could someone else?

Suga just looks at me with sad eyes.

me: I don't want to tell you everything...

Suga takes my hands on his and looks straight into my eyes.

Suga: But I want to know!

me: No you don't... You don't really want to know how much pain I am all day. How I gasp my anger and loneliness and hold it inside. You don't want to know what goes on in my head, the things I can't say out loud. You don't want to know all that. You don't want to know how ninety-nine percent of me wants to just let go and die. But that one percent is terrified of what will happen if I die.

He starts to cry.

me: You can't handle it. That was like one percent of the things that go on in my head every single day and you couldn't take that, so how could you take the rest of it?

I look away. I don't want him to see my tears. I wipe them quickly away and I get up from the bed. I walk to the window and just stare somewhere in the distance.

Suga: Sara...

I know he doesn't really know what he wants to say. And actually, I don't think there is anything to say now. "I want to be alone." I really wished that he would leave but he didn't. I tried to say it as nicely as I could but it still came out bluntly.

me: Can you leave?

It sounded more statement than a question. I didn't mean to say it like that. Suga just got up and left. I had no idea how he got it because he didn't say anything. I walked back to my bed. I buried my head to the pillow. "I'm so tired of this world..."


	10. chapter 10

It's been a week since... Well, my heart stopped. Everyone has been here all the time. I think they are afraid that if someone isn't here to watch me all the time, my heart will stop again. The doctor didn't find any reason why it stopped. It just did.

Today is Jin's graduation. Yesterday I was shopping with Alice and Ashley. We had fun and it was nice to see Alice laughing after all this bullshit that has been going on. I woke up early to get ready for today. I wouldn't have needed to wake up early if I wouldn't put a wig but because I wanted to try it, I had to wake up early too. Ashley came to help me out and now finally after an hour and a half, I was ready.

The outfit wasn't at all my style but I had let Alice and Ashley pick me something so I guess it was the price that I had to pay. The only thing that I liked was the black wig. I also had breast prostheses because... Well, I didn't have breast anymore and the outfit looked weird if I didn't have them. My clothes were all white and I was actually pretty uncomfortable with the color but I didn't really have any other clothes that I cloud wear so this was my only option. When I walked out of the bathroom I saw Suga and Taehyung standing in the room. They didn't notice me because they were standing their backs against me and talking with Alice.

me: Okay... I'm ready, we can go now.

They both turned around and looked at me. Their mouths dropped and they were staring at me. I was uncomfortable and I just wanted them to stop staring.

me: What's wrong with your faces? Let's go!

Suga glances quickly at Taehuyng and closes his mouth with a finger and whispers something into his ear. Taehuyng looks a little bit scared but then a huge smile comes to his lips and he laughs a little. But after seeing Suga's face he stops laughing and just winks at him. He walks to me and offers his arm and we walk out of the room.

me: What did he say to you?

Tae: Secret...

I look at him with my 'are you fucking serious face' but he just chuckles. Suga and Ashley are walking behind us to the car. We get in the car and we drive to the school.

Time skip

After the ceremony at school, we all went to Jin's parent's house because they had thrown a big party to him. There were a lot of people and most of them looked like Jin's dad's friends and co-workers. The party was filled with people keeping speeches and it got pretty boring after a while because every speech was so similar. There was nothing new in any of them. They were just people trying to get points from Jin's dad. It has been a few hours already and I was bored. I walked around looking for anyone I might know but after a while, when I couldn't find anyone I walked out. There were only a few people outside. I walked to the pool. I was sweating the wig was so uncomfortable and hot. I sat on the pool deck putting my feet in the water. I didn't care that my pants got wet. I startle a bit when someone comes to sit next to me.

?: Why are you here?

me: I could ask you the same thing. Shouldn't you be inside listening to the speeches they are giving to you?

Jin: Yeah... Well, they are for dad anyway so...

me: Yeah...

Jin: You didn't answer my question by the way.

me: I got bored... I tried to look for you guys but I couldn't find you so I came outside. It's so hot there.

Jin: Yeah it is... But didn't Ashley tell you... She and Jungkook left already. Suga also left and others are leaving soon.

me: Oh...Okay.

Then we just sat there in silence just looking at the sky. Only sounds came from the house but it felt like it was somewhere far away. A sudden voice woke me from my thoughts.

?: Jin, I've been looking for you everywhere.

I look at the direction of the sound. I see a beautiful woman walking towards us.

Jin: Sorry mom...

"What, she is Jin's mom? No wonder why he is so handsome..."

Jin's mom: What are you even doing here? Hey, your pans are wet! Why would you put your legs in the water when you have clothes on? And look at your shoes...

She comes next to us and practically lifts Jin up by his shirt. I chuckle a bit seeing it.

Jin: Mom... I'm tired... I'm gonna give Sara a lift back to the hospital.

Jin's mom looks at me and then nods as an approval.

Jin's mom: But come back then... And go from the out... You don't exactly look your best...

Then she leaves and Jin helps me get up.

me: I get now, where you get your looks...

Jin: Okay, let's go.

We walk around the house to the car. As soon as I get in the car I take the wig off.

me: So not using this again.

Jin: Yeah? I was actually surprised to see you dressed like that... That's not your style at all...

me: I know... I let Ashley and Alice style me because I couldn't take their whining anymore and I was tired of shopping after 10 minutes...

Jin laughed. Soon we arrive back to the hospital. He just dropped me off because I didn't let him get out of the car.

I didn't want to get in the hospital just yet so I went to the park to sit on the bench. It was already pretty dark and I could see little stars above me. I closed my eyes and I took a deep breath. It felt good to be alone for a while. Just not to talk to anyone. After a while, I got up and went into the hospital.

Time skip

Next morning

I couldn't sleep all night. I was sweating all over because it was so hot. I tried to go outside at night but It didn't help. I decided to take a shower if it would help a little. I went to the bathroom and I put the shower on. I took off my clothes before going in. The cold water felt good on my skin, but the uncomfortable feeling didn't go away. I turned the shower even colder but it didn't help. It made it worse actually. I sat on the floor. I was shivering but still, something was wrong. I felt so hot and uncomfortable from inside. I had never had this feeling before and I didn't know how to deal with it. I saw a shaver blade on the counter. I think they hadn't taken that away yet... I got up and took it in my hands. I have had episodes but I hadn't cut myself in a while because they had taken all the sharp objects away from us. I went back sitting on the floor. I put the blade on my skin. It felt sharp edge and I really wanted this feeling to go away. I pressed a little and it made a little cut. It felt good. The pain always feels good. I pressed a little more and blood started to flow even harder. Drops of blood fell on the floor and I watched how the water rinsed them into the sewer. I put the blade again on my wrist and I drew a little heart on my skin. It started to bleed so I put it under water and it washed the blood away. I put the blade middle of the heart and now I pressed hard, as hard as I could. The pain felt sweet and bitter at the same time. I knew that the cut was deep. The blood started to burst out of my veins. I got quickly up and took toilet paper and roll it over the cuts. The blood quickly stained the paper in red. I felt my legs slowly giving up and I felt dizzy. I rolled more and more of the paper around my wrist. I sat on the floor and I knew that I had lost too much blood and I would lose my consciousness soon. At that moment I felt my body lose it weight and for a few seconds, I didn't feel anything, not the pain, not the awful feeling inside me, nothing. And then the darkness took me.

After a while

I wake up in the shower. The water is still running. I think I haven't been in here unconscious that long because no one is knocking at the door yet. I got up and turned the shower off. I took the toilet paper off. The blood had mostly stopped and I just made a new wrap with the toilet paper. I got quickly dressed. I had long sleeved oversize hoodie because I didn't want anyone to notice my cuts. When I was ready I got out of the shower. Luckily Alice was still sleeping and I didn't see a lot of the nurses. I went back to my bed and I took one of the books that I hadn't read yet. I had been avoiding this book because it was my mothers favorite but I guess it's time for me to read it.

Time skip

It's already the end of July. They have given me more chemo because in the last check up the tumors hadn't gotten smaller, but luckily they have stopped growing. Now they are trying more aggressive chemo than before. It also has felt more aggressive. I haven't eaten properly the whole summer because of the side effects. Even though I have gotten different kinds of nausea drugs, they haven't worked at all. So the whole summer went feeling sick all the time. Well, it was better every other week, when I didn't have chemo, but in the chemo week, I felt like shit. Now I have chemo 5 times every other week when I used to have 4 times every third week. I wasn't happy about it but I could take it if it would mean that I could get better. Luckily others have been visiting me as much as they could. But I understand that they have their own lives outside of this hospital, and they can't be here all the time. And I don't want them to be here. I want them to enjoy their freedom and summer.

I haven't seen dad in two months now. He has called maybe once a week but that's it. He doesn't even promise to come to see me anymore. Usually, he just asks how I've been and then we just talk about the weather or something else so stupid. I'm not angry at him for not coming to see me but I am angry at him because he hasn't been seeing Luca either. Luca misses his dad and doesn't get why he isn't with us, with him. I don't understand why he is like this... I know that mom's death was hard on him but I really thought that he was getting better. But I guess my illness pushed him right back where he was and maybe even deeper. I just wish that he would come to see me so I could yell at him and make him realize what an asshole he has been. He should be the adult in this family.

I hear a knock on the door and it wakes me from my thoughts.

?: Can I come in?

me: Since when do you ask?

Suga comes in and sits on the couch.

Suga: So, how are you?

me: Fine.

Suga: Care to use more words?

me: Just fine.

He rolls his eyes annoyed.

Suga: What were you thinking before? It was quite hard to get your attention.

me: Nothing...

He looks at me like he doesn't believe and I know that he isn't gonna stop asking unless I give him a satisfactory answer.

me: Dad...

Suga: He hasn't still been here?

me: No...

Suga: That asshole...

me: Hey! He's my dad and I'm the only one who gets to call him that.

Suga: Do you know why he hasn't been here?

me: I don't know... I guess it's just too much for him...

Suga: That's your problem with him... You let him go too easy. You don't demand anything from him and that's why he gets to treat you this shitty.

me: Whatever...

Suga: No, seriously. You should ask and demand him to come to visit you. He'll never come if you don't ask.

me: I have...

Suga: Well I guess he didn't get the point clear enough...

me: Can we talk about something else?... Why are you here?

Suga: I missed you and I just wanted to see you.

"Okay, that's a subject I don't want to talk about either..."

me: Did you bring any books?

He gives me his bag and I take the books out of it. They are very different what I usually read but I can't be picky anymore because I think I have read the whole library already. I take one of the books and I read the back cover. It doesn't sound very appealing but I think I'm gonna read it anyway.

Suga: Hey I didn't come here to watch you read...

me: Don't care.

Suga: Well I do.

He walks next to me and packs all the books back to the bag and throws it on the couch.

me: Hey!

Suga: So... You wanna play something?

I roll my eyes.

me: Whatever...

We play Uno and we actually have a fun time even though I threw up every once in a while. Suga is actually really funny and caring person even though he tries to look otherwise. "His smile is so adorable." I can't help but smile every time I see him smiling. We talk and play games all evening. It really means a lot to me when Suga comes to spend time with me. He usually makes me feel like I don't have cancer. Like I'm just as normal as any other person.

Yoongi's POV

It's getting late and I needed to get back home. Sara decided to walk me to the car. We are still talking when she stops at the doors.

Sara: I can't come further... I forgot to put shoes...

Suga: Are you sure that the chemo is not taking your brain cells too?

She hits me playfully.

Suga: Okay then... I'll see you later.

Just as I'm about to leave she grabs my hand. I turn around to see if she still has something to say. Suddenly she ties her hands around me and hugs me tight. I hug her back. Then she as suddenly she pulls back. I look at her a bit confused. She is looking straight into my eyes without even blinking once.

Sara: I hope that you know how much you mean to me and how much I actually love you.

Then she just turns around and leaves. I don't know what to do. I'm just standing in the doorway dump founded. I see her going in the elevator and then she disappears. I turn around and walk to my car. I get in but I don't start it. I'm just sitting there not knowing what to do. I mean this is what I've hoped right. I love her and all I've wanted is to hear those words. But now... I have no idea what to do. Does she trust me? I mean why did she say that? Would she say that if she didn't trust me? Millions of questions were rolling in my head.

Time skip

the next day

Sara's POV

I was in the chemo room waiting for the nurse to put the tubes in. I didn't know why but somehow I felt anxious. I didn't know what it was about but something didn't feel right. "Maybe it's because Suga isn't here..." The nurse came to connect me to the machine and I just shake the feeling away. "It's probably nothing..."

Matias: So... Your boyfriend isn't coming?

me: He's not my boyfriend... And I don't know. It's not like I care if he's here...

Matias: Yeah, right.

I take a book and I start to read it but I can't concentrate. I check my phone. There's a message from Suga.

Suga; Sorry, I'll be late but I'm coming.

Somehow it makes me a little relieved. I hear ambulances leaving sirens on. I don't feel like reading now so I started to look around. The room is pretty big and open. There are 10 chairs and right now only 5 of them are occupied. Alice isn't here today because she has an intermediate week but luckily Matias is. At least I have someone to talk to. Then out of nowhere, I feel a sharp pain in my chest. I can't breathe properly because it's so painful. And then it just stops as suddenly as it started. "What the fuck was that?"

Matias: Sara are you okay?

me: Hm?

Matias: You were holding your chest like it was hurting or something...

me: No, I'm fine. Just feeling a bit sick.

As soon as the nurse hears that, she quickly gives me a bucket where to puke. I didn't actually need it yet but soon I would so I took it from her. I hear ambulances coming back. I look outside in the hallway and I see a lot of nurses and doctors running somewhere.

me: What do you think has happened?

Matias: Probably some kind of accident... And big one...

me: Yeah...

The same anxious feeling came back. "I hope Suga is fine..." I take the book and start to read it even though I still had that feeling. "I guess Suga comes when he has time."

Author's POV

Jin comes to the treatment room. He is out of breath and looks like he has been crying. He is trying to say something.

Sara: Calm down. No one can understand you.

Jin: I-It's bad...

Sara: What do you mean? Is Luca okay? Where is he?

Jin takes a deep breath and tries to explain what has happened.

Jin: It's your dad... And Luca... And Suga...

Sara: What?!

Jin: There was an accident. And they are all in here, hospital.

Sara: I need to go there! Get these out! Get it out now!

Jin: Sara calm down! Luca is fine...

Sara: But what about dad? Suga?

Jin looks down.

Sara: Get these out!

Sara starts to rip the tubes off. The nurses try to stop her but she just shoves her away. After removing the tubes Sara runs towards the emergency ward. Jin runs after her. After getting to the ward Sara searches for her dad and Luca. Finally, she sees a familiar face in one of the rooms. She runs in but stops at the doorway. She freezes still when she realizes that her dad is lying on the bed. Namjoon is standing next to her. He tries to touch Sara but she shakes his hand away and goes next to the bed. Then she just collapses on the ground crying. Jin comes to the room too. He tries to comfort Sara but she is just crying not being able to move or do anything else. Hoseok comes to the room with Luca. Sara quickly takes him in her in her lap and squeezes tightly. Sara can't stop crying and soon Luca is crying too. Everyone comes in the room. They are standing in the doorway not knowing what to do.

Time skip

Everyone is in Sara's room. They are just quietly sitting. Luca has fallen asleep on Sara's lap. Sara is just sitting on her bed looking at somewhere far away. No one is talking. They don't know what to say or do. Suddenly Sara breaks the silence.

Sara: What about Suga.

She had totally forgotten about Suga.

Jin: He's still in surgery.

No one knew what had happened to him because they weren't family members and the nurses wouldn't tell them anything.

Sara: Why?

Jin: Hm?

Sara: Why were they in the same car?

Jin: I don't know... He said something about surprising you...

Sara: Oh...

Then the silence continued. Sara went back to just staring in front of her and everyone else didn't know what to say. The doctor comes in to do Luca's last check up and also to talk to Sara about her father's situation. The doctor takes Luca's vitals and then starts to talk to Sara.

doc: Sara. We should talk about the arrangements.

Sara is still just staring not even looking at the doctor.

Jin: Sara.

Jin nudges a little Sara and she comes back to reality.

doc: We should talk about your fathers funeral.

Sara just gets up from the bed and leaves the room without saying a word. Everyone looks after her dumbfounded.

Time skip

Next day

Jin came to the hospital to see if they would tell him about Suga's situation but they wouldn't. He was frustrated and didn't even notice that he had just walked to Sara's room. J-Hope and Jimin were there too. They were just looking at Sara who still was staring ahead.

Jin: So... Has she said anything about his father or...

Jimin: No. Still nothing... She just keeps sitting and staring ahead.

Jin: Oh...

J-Hope: So, did you get any information on Suga?

Jin: No.

J-Hope: I guess we have to wait until his parents arrive... I bet they would tell Sara if she just asked...

Jin: Maybe...

They all were looking at Sara. She hadn't talked anything after yesterday. After awhile Jimin and J-Hope leave the hospital and only Jin remains. He sits next to Sara and hugs her.

Jin: I know you are hurting... But you should be thinking about your father funeral.

I tear falls on Sara's cheek.

Sara: I... can't.

That was all she said. Then she pulled her legs closer to her chest and put her head down. She wasn't crying. She didn't do anything, just sat there not speaking or doing anything else. Jin didn't know what to do. He slowly lifted his hand and lightly stroked Sara's hair.

Time skip

in two days

The school was starting with others but they had still been visiting Sara. They had taken sifts so that someone would be there with her all the time. Not that it was necessary or even noticed. Sara was just sitting or sleeping. She didn't speak to anyone. Even Luca couldn't get her to speak. Everyone was worried about her. She hadn't eaten anything and she was fading in front of their eyes and they felt weak because there wasn't anything they could do. They had tried to feed her but she hadn't taken anything. She just sat there, and no one knew how to help her.

Suga's parents finally come to the hospital. Jin and J-Hope had picked them from the airport and now they all were in the hospital standing outside of Suga's room.

Suga's mom: What's wrong with my son.

doc: The car accident caused a lot of internal bleeding and bone fractions. We were able to fix the fractions in the surgery and we got the bleeding to stop. Right now he is stable but...

The doctor took a deep breath before continuing.

doc: But he suffered big trauma to his head too.

Suga's mom gasps for air.

doc: There were bleeding and swelling in his brain. So we also performed surgery on his brain and we got the bleeding end for now but the swelling hasn't decreased at all and we had to perform a Decompressive craniectomy which means that we had to surgically remove a piece of his skull to lower the brain pressure. The brain is swollen, whereby the intracranial pressure is elevated and the purpose of the treatment is to release the pressure inside the skull. The operation was successful but we, his surgical team, made a decision to induce him medically induced coma to allow the brain to heal from the severe swelling and internal bleeding, and also prevent him from feeling intense physical pain.

Suga's mother was now crying. She sat on the chair and Suga's dad sat next to her. Jin and J-Hope were in shock.

Jin: "How could one person survive with a fractured arm and one died instantly and one has severe injuries. I need to ask a favor from Namjoons dad. I really want to know what happened in that accident."

The doctor and Suga's dad discuss a while in the hallway when others went into the room. Suga was connected to a ventilator and he looked really rough. J-Hope couldn't look at him he rushed out of the room quickly. Jin and Suga's mom stayed. They sat next to Suga. Suga's mom was still crying desperately. Jin just sat there not knowing what to do. He couldn't bear to see his friend like that. After a while, he got up and left the room too. Jin walked around the hospital deep in his thoughts when he finally realized that he was walking towards Sara's room.

Jin: "Would she like to know..?"

He got in and saw J-Hope and Jimin in the room. He saw from Jimin's face that J-Hope had told him. Jin looked Sara's face but it was lifeless. She looked pale but you couldn't see what she was thinking. Jin went next to her and looked her right in the eyes. She flinched a bit like she was brought back to the earth.

Jin: Do you wanna see him?

Sara didn't say anything just stared at Jin's eyes. You couldn't see any movement in her face. It was like she had stoned to that position. Then she moved and Jin already thought that she would go see Suga but she just lied on to the bed and closed her eyes. Jin looked at her surprised. He had thought that Sara would wanna see him. Everyone was surprised by her actions but right now they had more important things to do. They had to tell the others about Suga.


	11. chapter 11

Time skip

Author's POV

2 weeks later

Everyone has been busy past two weeks arranging Sara's dad's, Erik's funeral. Sara couldn't do it so others helped her. And it was good for them because they didn't have so much time to think about Suga. Today is the funeral day and everyone was a little nervous. It was Jungkook's job to pick up Sara and then come to the church and everyone were shocked when they didn't see Sara coming with Jungkook.

Jin: Where is she?

JK: She didn't want to come...

Jin: What the fuck?! What did she say?

JK: Nothing...

Jin: What do you mean?

JK: She just sat there like any other day. She hadn't even put the outfit on that you guys picked out for her. I even tried carrying her but she hit me and then just walked away.

Jin: What?! What has gotten into her? Why wouldn't she come to her fathers funeral?

Luca came to them.

Luca: Where's Sara?

Everyone looked at each other not knowing what to say. Jin stroked his hair a little.

Jin: She... couldn't make it... But don't worry we are here with you.

They all walk to the first row and sat down. Everyone is looking at them little confused. There's a lot of Erik's business partners and coworkers but the only family in there is Luca. Soon the priest starts and the whole church goes quiet.

Time skip

After the funeral, everyone gathers to the hospital. They are eager to know why Sara didn't want to come to her fathers funeral.

Jin: Sara, why? He is your dad. Don't you wanna say goodbye?

Sara doesn't answer. She is just lying curled up on her bed, eyes closed.

Jin: SARA!

She doesn't move, not even flinch when Jin screams.

Namjoon pushes Jin gently to the hallway and asks others to join them.

Namjoon: Jin that's not helping...

Jin: Then what is? This can't continue anymore... She has to eat. And what about Luca?

Namjoon: I don't know... But you can't force her. It doesn't work on her. And you know it.

Jimin: Yeah... But what does? She hasn't eaten or said anything in 2 weeks. ... It just seems like she has decided to die...

Jin: Don't say that!

Jimin: What? We are all thinking about it...

They are all looking at each other and Sara worried.

Taehyung: I think she's cutting herself more now...

Jin: Hm? What do you mean?

Tae: There are more cuts on her wrists and I've seen a few times when a nurse has treated them. I think she doesn't cut herself because of the episodes anymore. I think... She cuts for other reasons too...

All of their heads turn to face Sara, who is still just laying still. You can't even tell if she is breathing or not.

Hoseok: Why is life so hard on her?

Jin: Yeah...

They are just staring at Sara not knowing if they should go in or not. Not that it had any difference to Sara.

Time skip

Another week later

Doctors were still keeping Suga in a coma. Suga had gotten little better but he still had too many dangerous injuries to wake him up. Sara, on the other hand, was still the same, just sleeping and sitting still. The doctor had ordered to put her nasogastric tube because she still wasn't eating. She is looking better now and she does go to chemo, which is good but everything else is still the same than last week. J-Hope has been visiting Sara every day, trying to make her speak or eat but without any results. He had come to see Sara again but he was mostly talking to Alice.

J-Hope: Still no change?

Alice: No...

J-Hope: I just don't understand why she is like this...

Alice: Has the doctor given any explanation or...

J-Hope: They said something about shock and something else but I don't think this is that... She has just chosen not to speak...

Alice: Why?

J-Hope: That you have to ask her...

J-Hope looks at Sara worried and for the first time after the accident, Sara looks at him back. Sara's gaze looks so sad and weak. J-Hope is flustered from the sudden change but quickly gets himself back together. He takes Sara's hand and strokes it a little.

J-Hope: Sara... Just get better, okay?

They look at each other in the eyes and J-Hope can see Sara's eyes watering. But Sara quickly moves her head so that J-Hope can't see her tears. She gets up from the bed and walks slowly outside. J-Hope knows that following her isn't gonna help so he just stays in the room. Later Jin comes in and looks surprised not seeing Sara laying in her bed like usual.

Jin: Where's Sara?

J-Hope: I don't know... She went for a walk I think...

Jin: What do you mean you think?

J-Hope: Well she didn't say anything to me...

Jin: Then why didn't you ask?

J-Hope: Like she was going to answer?

Jin just rolls his eyes annoyed because he knows that J-Hope is right. He just sits on the side of Sara's bed. There's a long silence when no one knows what to say but finally, Jimin and Jungkook comes in and breaks the silence.

Jimin: Where's Sara?

Jin: J-Hope let her go alone for a walk...

J-Hope: Hey! It's not like I could've stopped her!

Jin and J-Hope are glaring at each other.

Jimin: Okay...

JK: Well... You wanna go see Suga?

Jin: Sure... Jimin and J-Hope are you coming?

J-Hope: No I think I need to go home...

Jimin: Yeah... I need to go too...

JK: Why? No, just come see him. Have you ever been there yet?

J-Hope: No, I really need to go.

JK: Seriously, why can't you come. You haven't even been there once after the accident!

J-Hope: Jungkook.

JK: No. You should see him. And Jimin too. You haven't been there for him.

Jimin: JK!

They are all shocked by the sudden yell.

Jimin: Just stop. It's none of your business.

JK: But I just don't understand why you don't wanna go see him. And Sara too.

She had just walked back to the room.

JK: Why don't you wanna see your friend? Why aren't you there for him?

Alice: No, actually Sara has been there...

JK: Yeah, like when?

Alice: One night... I couldn't sleep and I saw her going somewhere so I decided to follow her and she went to Suga's room...

JK: Okay... But Jimin and J-Hope... I just don't understand.

Jimin: Just leave it already!

JK: No. You should see him. He is your friend!

Jimin: JK! Leave it!

Jimin leaves the room and J-Hope follows him.

Jin: That wasn't maybe the best solution... You can't force them to go see him...

JK: Why not? They were the closest to him why aren't they visiting him?

Jin: Maybe that's why... Maybe they don't wanna see him like that... You should sometimes think things from the other side. Your opinion is not always right.

Jin leaves too and Jungkook sit's down on the couch. Alice leaves the room to her psych appointment.

JK: Sara..? Is it wrong of me to want them to see Suga?

Sara: No...

Jungkook is surprised by the answer.

JK: You talk...

Sara: I didn't want to see him either...

JK: But why?

Sara: Because... He means too much. And also...

JK: And also?

Sara: Nothing... I need to go.

Then Sara gets up from the bed and leaves Jungkook alone in the room.

Time skip

A week later

Sara was finally eating by herself, not much but some. She still wasn't talking though. She would still just sit on her bed looking somewhere far but at least sometimes she would get out of her own world and listen to others. Suga, on the other hand, hadn't gotten any better in the past week. He was still in a coma and he wasn't showing any signs of recovering but the doctors were still optimistic.

Jin had come to see Sara again and this time Sara was eating the food that Jin had brought with him.

Jin: Sara... I talked to your doctor...

Sara glared at Jin.

Jin: I asked him if you could move with Namjoon and me...

Now Sara's glare looked even more annoyed than before.

Jin: I think it would be better if you could get out of this hospital... And your doctor agrees... So, we planned that you would move with us after your chemo ends this week...

Sara didn't answer anything so Jin continued.

Jin: I think that's best for you now...

Sara: I don't want to.

Jin: But Sara... Why? You could get out of this hospital...

Sara: I don't want to.

Jin: Why?

Sara looked down and stopped eating.

Sara: I just... It's too much for you guys.

Jin: Don't think like that. We are here to help you however we can.

Sara: Yeah but that's too much.

Jin: No it isn't.

Sara: What about your job. You should be paying more attention to it. I can't move in with you... I would just be a burden for you guys...

Jin: Sara. No. You are not a burden. You are moving with us. End of discussion.

Sara: Jin...

Jin: No. We are done talking about this. You are moving with us on Friday after your last chemo.

Sara glared at Jin but then just continued eating. Jin looked pleased with himself and that annoyed Sara even more. But because she didn't wanna make Jin even cockier than he already was, she didn't say anything.

Time skip

It was finally Friday, the day Sara was supposed to move in with Jin and Namjoon. She was currently in chemo and Jin was there to keep her company and later to help her move her stuff. Well mostly her books, Sara hadn't brought any personal stuff from her flat. She had started to talk little more every day but she still was spacing out sometimes. And the things she said was mostly word sentences and sometimes a little more but not much. Also, her speaking was a little slower than usual but everyone was happy that she was talking and doing better day by day.

Sara was currently puking her stomach out. The intense chemo was making her weaker every day because she couldn't keep anything inside. Not that she was eating anything but everything she did, came right back out when she had chemo. Jin was trying to keep his food down while trying to help Sara. After all the food had come out she could breathe again.

Sara: Jin, you don't need to be here.

Jin: I want to.

Sara: You're gonna puke soon...

Jin didn't move so Sara gave up.

Sara: Whatever. Your choice.

Finally, the chemo ended and the nurse came to detach Sara from the machine. Sara was so weak that she couldn't walk by herself. Jin offered to help but Sara didn't take it. She was just sitting in the chair waiting for her strength to come back. After a while she tried to walk but before she could notice she was already falling. Luckily Jin was quick and catch her before she hit the floor.

Jin: You need to learn how to accept help.

Sara didn't say anything just rolled her eyes. Jin put her hand around his neck and supported her from the waist. They started to walk slowly towards Sara's room. After what felt like an eternity to Jin, they finally came to the room. Jin helped Sara to the bed and the doctor came to the room.

doc: How are we doing in here?

Sara: Just perfect.

doc: Okay... Well here is your discharge papers I need you to fill and also a few things that might help with nausea. And also your prescriptions, but Jin can you watch that she takes only the amount that she needs.

Sara signs the papers and Jin takes the prescriptions. The doctor leaves the room and Jin starts to pack Sara's things. Sara tries to get up form the bed but Jin won't let her.

Jin: What do you think you are doing?

Sara: Packing my stuff.

Jin: No, you need to rest. I'm packing your things.

Sara: No, I can do it myself.

Jin: Says the girl that couldn't even walk to her room...

Sara: Fine...

Sara just watches Jin packing her stuff. She is giving him advises how to pack and Jin is gradually starting to get annoyed.

Jin: I know how to pack!

Sara: Doesn't look like it.

Jin: Okay. Now, you get out of this room.

Jin lifts Sara on his arms and carries her to the hallway and sits her down to the nearest chair.

Jin: Stay here.

Sara: Hey! You can't do this.

Jin: I just did. And I know that you aren't leaving because you can't walk by yourself so just sit tight while I pack your stuff. Sara looks annoyed. She tries to get up but she doesn't have any strength still so she crashes to the floor. A nurse comes to help her back to the chair. Namjoon comes to sit next to Sara.

Namjoon: Why are you here?

Sara: Jin...

Namjoon turns his head around and sees Jin packing Sara's stuff.

Namjoon: You got evicted?

Sara nods.

After a while, Jin is finally ready and comes to the hallway.

Jin: Okay... Do you need anything else or can we leave?

Sara: No.

Jin: Which one?

Sara: Second.

Jin: Okay... Namjoon will you get a wheelchair?

Namjoon: Sure.

Sara: No I can walk.

Jin: Are you sure about that? You just crashed on the floor when you tried to get up.

Sara rolls her eyes and soon Namjoon comes back with the wheelchair. They leave the hospital and drive to the house. At the house, Namjoon carries Sara in because her legs still wouldn't work properly and they couldn't bear her weight. Namjoon puts her down in her new room to the bed.

Jin: Do you need something?

Sara: Like what?

Jin: Anything.

Sara: No.

Jin: Okay... Well, we are downstairs if you need us.

Namjoon and Jin leave the room. Sara is just sitting on the bed, not knowing what to do. She tries to get up to go to the toilet but her legs still have no strength. She doesn't want to call for help so she just lays on the bed. After a while staring at the seeling she falls asleep.

Time skip next morning

Sara's POV

I woke up sweaty and went straight to the shower. I was still tired but at least I wasn't in the hospital anymore. My legs were still weak and I barely could stand up. I sat down to the floor to wash my body. My eyes were heavy and I couldn't keep them open. I felt weak and heavy. I couldn't help it anymore and I lied down on the floor. the water was still running but I couldn't help it I started slowly fall asleep.

After presumably a few hours, I wake up in my bed fully dressed. I get up and walk wobbly in downstairs.

Jin: Oh, you're awake!

me: Who dressed me?

Jin: Oh... I did. Sorry. I got worried when you took so long in the shower so I came to check up on you and you had fallen asleep so I dressed you and put you in your bed.

me: Oh... Ok. Thanks.

Jin: Are you hungry?

me: A little.

Jin: Okay, well sit down I make you something.

I walk straight to the couch and lay down. my body is aching all over and it feels heavier than before. Jin brings me my medication and I take all of them without saying a word back. Usually, I hate the medication but I feel so crappy now that I don't care what I take as long as it takes the feeling away.

me: Don't you have work?

Jin: Not today.

me: Okay... And Namjoon is in school?

Jin: No he went to the hospital to check on Suga and also he took Luca to the check-up.

me: It was today?

Jin: Yep.

Jin brings me food and I eat it all. After eating I have no idea what to do. I try to walk around the house but I get tired easily. I only get to the garden. I sit down on a bench. It feels refreshing to be outside. It's early September and it's still warm outside. I hear Jin coming outside too. He walks over and puts a blanket around my shoulders.

Jin: You should dress up warmly. It's getting colder and your immune system is not at its peak.

I can't bother to answer. I'm just enjoying the gentle wind on my cheeks.

Jin: Namjoon called. Luca's arm is getting better. They might take the cast off. ... Also, Suga has woken.

I can feel Jin's gazing me.

I know that he is waiting for some kind of response but honestly, I don't know how to respond.

Jin: He didn't tell me more just that he can't remember a lot. And that he is still examined by the doctors... He promised to call when he gets more information.

I just nod. I feel relieved but that's all. I can see that Jin was expecting something more but I can't. I can't let the feelings take place. I can't identify those feelings because it could break me. If I let myself feel anything I couldn't be able to stop that tsunami of emotions. Jin gets a phonecall and gets up and walks to the side so that I can't hear. I tighten the blanket around me and close my eyes.

Author's POV

Jin hangs up and looks at Sara. She is still sitting in the same position as before the call. She hasnät moved in half an hour.

Jin: Sara are you cold?

She doesn't answer so Jin walks towards her.

Jin: Sara?

Sara slowly opens her eyes and looks at Jin.

Jin: Are you cold?

Sara just shakes her head and closes her eyes again. Jin is about to say something but his phone ring again. This time its Namjoon. Jin goes inside to talk to him.

Jin: Any news?

Namjoon: The doctor said that he is suffering from some kind of memory loss but they can't say if it's temporary or not.

Jin: Oh... So what does he remember?

Namjoon: Well, he does remember us and his parents and where he lives but he can't remember Ashley...

Jin: So has he forgotten last year...?

Namjoon: I don't know... But I didn't let Luca see him... If he doesn't remember...

Jin: Yeah...

Namjoon: Hoe did Sara take the news?

Jin: I don't know... She is just sitting in the garden silently... She didn't say anything... Honestly, I'm worried about her...

Namjoon: Yeah...

Jin: But she has the psych appointment today... Maybe she wants to see him... How about Sugas other injuries?

Namjoon: I forgot to ask... But I guess that they are not that severe if they were ready to wake him.

Jin: I guess... Are you coming back?

Namjoon: Yeah, I'll just drop Luca to school first.

Jin: Okay. Bye.

Jin hangs up and looks outside. Sara is still sitting in the same position. "I wish she would react somehow... Yell. Cry. Laugh. Anything else than this."

Time skip 18:00

Jin drove Sara to the hospital.

Jin: Do you want me to walk you there or..?

Sara: No, I can go by myself.

Jin: Are you sure? You can walk?

Sara: Yeah I'm sure.

They get to the elevator and Jin gets off on the third floor. He walks to Sugas room.

Jimin: Oh, your here.

Jin: Yeah, I dropped Sara off and thought that I should stop by here. Is he okay?

Jimin: I guess... He's as grumpy as before...

Suga: You know I can hear you right?

Jin: Are you ok? What did the doctor say?

Suga: I'm fine! Why are you people overreacting over something so small?

Jin: Smal?! Excuse me but you were in a coma for a month. I'm sorry for overreacting over so little. Like you just had few brain surgeries including taking peace of your skull off so that your brain would stop swelling. Like that's nothing. I guess I am overreacting.

Suga: Jin...

Jin: No. We have every reason to overreact. Our friend was in a car accident with Erik and his son and finally woke up after a month. You were lucky. There could have been so much more damage. You could have died just like Erik!

Jimin: Jin... He doesn't remember them...

Jin: Oh right... But I have every right to be worried. You are hurt! And when you are hurt a lot of other people who dearly care about you are hurt too. So... Just don't say that I can't overreact.

Suga: Okay... Just calm down.

Jin sits down and looks at Suga estimating.

Suga: Whose Erik? And why was I in the car with him and his son?

Jimin and Jin look at each other not knowing how to explain this to him.

Jin: Well...

Jimin: Erik was our friend's father.

Suga: But whose? I don't know anyone else than you guys.

Jin: She is...

They look at each other not knowing how to tell him that he has forgotten the person he loves.

Jin: She is...

Jimin: Sara is a friend of JK.

Jin looks at him confused.

Suga: Okay...

Jimin: Yes... You were helping him by giving them a ride to the hospital.

Suga: Oh...

The nurses come in the room saving them.

Jin: Well I'm going to get something to eat. Jimin are you coming?

Jin pulls Jimin to the hallway.

Jin: What the fuck?

Jimin: We shouldn't confuse him more than he already is... He'll remember her at some point but until then we shouldn't talk about her in front of him.

Jin: I don't know...

Jimin: Lets just not confuse him...

Jin: And what if he never remembers her? Are we gonna lie to him for the rest of our lives? And also practically she is J-Hopes friend.

Jimin: He'll remember. He has to. And JK was the first one on my mind.

Jin: Fine but I won't take any responsibility for this. It's all your idea.

Jin turns and goes to the cafeteria. Jimin goes back to the room.

Jimin: So... Anything coming back...

Suga: Like what?

Jimin: Anything...

Suga: No.

Suga was irritated from all the questioning.

Suga: Can you just go? I wanna be alone.

Jimin: Okay... Well, call if you need anything.

Jimin leaves and leaves Suga alone.

Suga's POV

My head was pounding and I didn't feel great. All I wanted was to get out of the bed but I couldn't move. Breathing hurt and my whole body felt like it was on fire. And all I could think was "Who is Sara?". I had no idea who she was but when Jin mentioned her name I felt something inside of me. I had no idea what it was but she felt important.

Jin comes back to the room.

Jin: Did Jimin leave?

Suga: Yes.

Jin: Okay... Well, I need to go too... I think J-Hope said that he is coming by at some point... I don't know... But I need to go, I think Sara is already waiting for me by the car. Bye.

Jin leaves.

Why did I felt it again? She feels so... I don't know... Important. What the fuck am I thinking..? I close my eyes and try to get some sleep.

Time skip

Week later

Author's POV

Sara had chemo week again. Her chemo had just ended and she was lying down in her old room. Alice was babbling about something but she couldn't concentrate because of the puking. Jin came to the room just as Sara was puking again. He almost pukes himself.

Jin: Text me when you are ready.

He leaves the room and goes to see Suga. Suga is in the rehabilitation room. This was his first day of rehabilitation after he had woken.

Jin: Are you making any progress?

Suga: FUCK YOU!

Jin: I guess not.

Jin gets a text from Sara.

Jin: Joonie can you go get Sara?

Namjoon: Sure. Meet you at the car?

Jin: Sure.

Jin watches Sugas cursing and exceedingly slow walking.

Jin: Does cursing help?

Suga: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Just as Suga is yelling the door opens and Namjoon comes in pushing Sara in a wheelchair.

Namjoon: You should watch your language a bit.

Suga is about to yell something at Namjoon but stops when he sees Sara. He looks at her long not even blinking once but then his grip loosens and he falls.

Suga: FUCKING... ARGH!

Sara: Get me out of here.

No one moves so Sara gets up and walks outside. She walks to the park and sits on the bench. Tears start to fall from her eyes and she can't stop them anymore. The tsunami was already growing inside of her.

Yoongi's POV

I got enough from the training and I needed to get away. I went to the rooftop to get some fresh air. It's easier to breathe up here. I look around and I can see that girl from earlier on the bench. It looks like she is crying. I feel helpless and I have no idea why. She's hitting her legs and all I want to go is to hug her and tell her that it's not gonna last long, that she's gonna get through it.

Jin: Why are you here? C'mon you shouldn't be out here in the cold.

Suga: Why..?

Jin: Hm?

Suga: She...

I point at her.

Suga: Is she Sara?

Jin: Yes.

Suga: She is... Why is she crying?

Jin: She is?

Suga: I don't know...

Jin comes closer.

Jin: I guess it finally got to her.

Suga: What did?

Jin: The feelings...

Suga: Hm?

Jin: Let's go... I need to take her home before she gets another episode...

We leave and Jin drops me to my room and leaves.

"She gets another episode..?"

Time skip

week later

Sara's POV

The chemo week was over finally and I was feeling better again. I had even been doing some school work. Luca and I had been spending a lot of time together now that we lived under the same roof. I had been to dad's grave. It wasn't as scary and emotional as I had thought. I missed him. Every day. But he was finally with mom. At least they were happy now.

I have a doctors appointment today. We are supposed to see if cancer has stopped growing, shrunk or is it still the same. I don't wanna go. I don't wanna hear the bad news. I rather not know what state it is than worry about the future where I won't be. I get up from the bed and dress up. Jin, Namjoon, and Luca are already up and eating breakfast.

me: Morning!

Jin: You're in a good mood.

me: Maybe. I thought that I would go shopping today.

Namjoon: But you hate sopping.

me: No I don't. I just can't do it for a long.

Luca: I wanna come too!

me: I'm sorry but you have to go to school. But I'll take you to school if you're quick.

Luca: Okay...

I dropped Luca to school and headed to the hospital. My appointment is at 9 so I got still time to kill. I walk around the hospital and I'm so deep in my thoughts that I unnoticed walk to Suga's room. He seems to be sleeping so I venture to go in. I sit in the chair next to the bed. He looks peaceful.

me: I guess it's good that you forgot about me... *whispering*

I startle when he moves. I quickly get up and start to walk away.

Suga: Who said I forgot you?

I froze. I turn around slowly and I can see him smirking a little.

me: You weren't sleeping...

He gets up to sit and stretch out his hand towards me.

Suga: Come.

I hesitate.

Suga: C'mon... I can't come there.

I don't move. I can't. My legs are just no moving.

me: So you remember? Like everything?

Suga: Well... I remember pieces... I can't remember what happened just before the accident but I remember what you said before that.

me: I need to go.

I almost fall when I walk out of the room. My legs are trembling and my breath is shallow and unsteady. I practically run to the elevator. "No... Why... I just... Can't he just forget?" I walk straight out of the hospital. "Why does he always have to mess up my plans?" I start to run. I can't breathe properly and my legs are already ready to give up but I can't stop. All I want is to be somewhere else. Be someone else.

Time skip a few hours later

Author's POV

Text:

Suga: Has anyone heard of Sara?

Jin: No. Why?

Suga: Nothing.

Jimin: Doesn't she have the appointment today?

Namjoon: She had it in the morning but she said she was going to go shopping.

Ashley: But she hates shopping and she can't even walk properly.

JK: Has anyone called her?

Hoseok: I tried earlier but she didn't answer so I thought she was still with the doctor.

Jin: She doesn't answer.

Namjoon: The doctor said she didn't show up.

Jin: What!

Jimin: Did something happen?

Tae: You gave her a lift to the hospital..?

Jin: No... She drove herself.

Suga: What! But she could barely walk! And didn't she just have chemo? How could you let her drive by herself?!

Jin: Look, she was better this morning. She had a good day for the longest time and she was happy. How could we know that she would disappear?

Hoseok: I'm sure she's fine.

Jimin: She probably just forgot her phone or something...

Suga: Yeah like last time...

Tae: It's different. She doesn't have a reason to leave now, does she?

JK: You remember?!

Ashley: Suga you remembered her!?

Jin: What, you can remember!? Like everything?

Suga: That's not the point. We need to find her!

Hoseok: Why? Did something happen?

Suga: Nothing happened! Just find her!

 _Suga left the chat_

Hoseok: I think something happened between them again.

Jin: Yep.

Namjoon: But we should find her, right? If she gets another episode or something...

Jimin: Yep, but she doesn't answer her phone...

Hoseok: I think I know where she is.

Jimin: Where?

Tae: Where?

Ashley: Where?

Jimin: J-Hope?

Jimin: Hoseok?

Time skip 18:00

Hoseok: I knew you would be here.

Sara: Hm?

Hoseok: Are you ok?

Sara nods. Hoseok sits next to her. They sit there for a while.

Hoseok: We should go. They are all worried.

Sara: Not just jet.

Hoseok: It's getting cold...

Sara: He remembers everything?

Hoseok: I think you need to ask that from him.

Sara: I can't...

Hoseok: Why?

Sara: He... I had just decided that it was better for him to forget everything and that I should just forget that the feelings ever existed. He just keeps messing with my head and I...

Hoseok: You think too much. You overthink overthinking. Sometimes you should just do something without thinking about it.

Sara: I...

Hoseok: Suga remembers. You love each other. Both of you are alive. What more is there?

Sara: I don't know... I just don't think it's gonna work.

Hoseok: But you never know if you aren't even ready to try.

Sara: I know.

Hoseok: Let's go. They are gonna call the cops soon if they aren't called already.

They get up and head home.

At home

Jin: Where did you go!? You can't just leave like that!

Hoseok: Jin, calm down. She's ok.

Namjoon: Still you could've texted us that you are still alive.

Sara: Sorry...

Sara went straight to her room.

Jin: Where was she?

Hoseok: Chinese restaurant.

Jin: Why?

Hoseok: Her dad used to take them there...

Jin: Oh...

Namjoon: Did she tell you anything?

Hoseok: About?

Jin: Suga. Did something happen?

Hoseok: No... I think she just got scared... I don't know...

Jin: I wish they would work it out.

Namjoon: Yeah...

Time skip 3:00

Sara's POV

I couldn't sleep. I felt restless and my legs were hurting. I got up but my legs almost gave up. I sit back on the bed. "Seriously why can't my legs just work?" I get up slowly and walk to the kitchen. It's slow and painful but finally, I make it there. I go through the cabinets to find something for the pain. I try to be as quiet as possible but I lose balance and I stumble on the floor. On the way, the jar in my hand falls to the floor spreading all the pills around.

me: Fuck!

I try to get up but my legs are too weak to lift me.

Jin: Do you need help?

Jin comes to the kitchen and helps me to get up. He notices the pills on the floor.

Jin: Are you in pain?

Sara: Just... My legs.

Jin: Okay. I'll bring you something.

He helps me to sit on the couch and then goes to the cabinet and brings me a pill.

Jin: You should've asked for help. Your body isn't in good shape. Next time ask, please.

me: Okay...

Jin: I'm serious. What if you would've hurt yourself?

me: Okay okay. I'll ask for help next time.

Jin goes to clean up the mess. I want to go outside but I know Jin would never let me.

Jin: Do you need help to get back to your bed?

me: No... I'll be here for a while. I'm not sleepy.

Jin: Okay. But shout if you need help.

me: Okay.

Jin goes back to bed. I sit on the couch for a while longer then I get up and go out. It's cold and I didn't take a jacket with me. I go inside the car and put the radio on. There comes some sad ballad. I leave it on. I start the car and drive off the yard. I drive around the city for almost 2 hours. I suddenly notice that I have driven to the hospital. "Why do I always come here?" I park the car and get out. I have no idea what to do. I wasn't planning on coming here. I walk inside hesitantly. There are always people in the hospital. I walk around for a while but my legs are still a bit sore. I head to my old room. I know that Alice is probably sleeping but I still go check. Jacob one of the nurses walks towards me.

Jacob: Well, what brings you here at this hour?

me: Missed you too much.

Jacob: I mean who wouldn't but still it's half past 5.

me: You should be happy that someone comes to see you.

I walk past him to Alice's room. She's asleep as I predicted. I continue to walk the hallways and I end up in Sugas room. He's still sleeping. I have to sit on the chair because my legs are killing me. He looks so beautiful when he sleeps. Without noticing I stroke his hair and he winces a bit. I put my hand down on the bed close to his. "I mean why is it this hard? There's just too much... Complications." Suga takes my hand in his. I try to shake it off but his grip is too strong.

Suga: Just for a while.

I let him hold my hand. The tiredness is taking over and my eyelids feel heavy. I close my eyes just for a moment but before I know it I fall asleep.

Suga's POV

When I wake up I notice Sara sleeping. Her posture looks uncomfortable but I don't dare to wake her when she finally gets to sleep. I move her hair off of her face. "Who could ever forget her?" I was still tired and my head felt like ticking bomb but I didn't care. All I wanted now was to see her sleeping. Her peaceful face might change any minute so I had to cherish every second.

Suga: Sara, I... I'm really sorry.

Sara: For what?

Suga: Oh, you are awake...

Sara gets up and rubs her eyes.

Sara: What are you sorry for?

Suga: Your dad... And me...

Sara: It wasn't your fault. Jin told me what happened and it wasn't your fault.

Suga: Still... If they wouldn't have been in the car nothing would've happened.

Sara: Maybe...

Sara's POV

I get up and without saying anything I leave. I walk to the car and get in but I can't start it. I just sit there looking ahead. I have no idea how long I have been there but I wake from my thoughts when someone knocks on the window. Jin opens the door and gets in.

Jin: I was surprised to see you here because I thought that you were sleeping in your room.

me: yeah...

Jin: Why are you here?

me: ...

Jin: Did you go in?

me: ...

Jin: Sara?

me: Hm?

Jin: Are you OK?

me: Yeah...

Jin: You don't look like it. C'mon I'll take you home.

I don't feel very good. My head feels heavy and my whole body is aching. It's getting dark and my body's weight gradually disappears. "I wish I could feel like this every day."

Author's POV

As Jin gets out of the car Sara's head hits the wheel pressing the horn. Jin runs on the other side of the car.

Jin: Sara! Sara wake up!

Jin carries Sara inside the hospital in his arms.

Jin: Help! She just collapsed in the car!

A nurse takes him to the emergency room where Jin puts Sara on the bed. After that nurses drive Jin out of the room.


End file.
